


Holiday Ficathon 1 (Conference Wives AU)

by dance_the_code



Series: Conference Wives [3]
Category: Numb3rs
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-14
Updated: 2008-01-10
Packaged: 2018-07-15 15:58:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 115
Words: 46,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7229068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dance_the_code/pseuds/dance_the_code
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ah, the holidays…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Conference Wives – really, it actually is, it ties in nicely with the holiday ficathon that has not started yet. So, it can actually stand alone, but it will end up on the master list once the holiday ficathon starts.

Title: Worth the Paperwork  
Pairing/Characters: Ian  
Rating/Category: PG - 13  
Word Count: 250  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Ah, the holidays…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, its not mine.  
Note: Conference Wives – really, it actually is, it ties in nicely with the holiday ficathon that has not started yet. So, it can actually stand alone, but it will end up on the master list once the holiday ficathon starts.

A man in a turkey suit was trying to give him a coupon.

Ian Edgerton added this to the list of things he despised about the holidays.

Apparently the costume was designed in such a way that the man inside the suit could not see the high-voltage death glare that was being leveled at him.

He did not want to try a new brand of turkey.

He didn’t particularly like turkey.

Turkey meant Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving meant family.

Family meant phone calls from annoying siblings leaving message all day long asking if he was coming home for Christmas this year. Requests sometimes sung as carols.

Ian wondered if they’d get the picture if he garroted the man in the turkey suit and sent his carcass to the family homestead with a big red bow stuck to his plastic beak.

Probably not.

He turned a corner abruptly to avoid the turkey suit man and ran into a woman dressed as an elf that asked him to try a cookie.

Ian counted to ten and left the grocery store without getting anything on his list.

If he ordered everything on line and had it delivered, the delivery guy would not be wearing a silly holiday inspired costume, unless he was wearing a Santa Claus hat.

If he was wearing a Santa Claus hat, Ian would have to shoot him.

It would be worth the paperwork.

Ian wondered if he could request that his groceries be delivered by someone in a Santa Claus hat.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don invites the sniper and Charlie to share Thanksgiving with him and Cooper…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: Thanksgiving Sandwiches  
Pairing/Characters: Don, Ian  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 314  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Don invites the sniper and Charlie to share Thanksgiving with him and Cooper…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, its not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

Don walked over to Ian the next morning as Ian finished helping Charlie get settled in the conference room before disappearing to the firing range to begin firearm re-certifications for the LA office.

“How’d it go?”

“He left Numbersville on our way to the apartment. We made popcorn and spent the night in the living room in a fort made of sheets, which was good, since I haven’t moved all the furniture into the new place yet.”

Don blinked a few times. “What?”

Ian turned. “Am I speaking in tongues, Eppes?”

“I’m sorry, just a little hysterical deafness, did you say you all slept in a fort made of sheets in the living room?”

“Seeing as the apartment only has a table and some chairs in it at the moment, yes, the rest of the furniture will be moved in today.”

“Okay…well, Cooper and I were going to invite you and Charlie and Isaac over to our place for Thanksgiving…since we’re not going to the house and…”

“And I shouldn’t show up there with Charlie…sure, we’ll be there, need us to bring anything?”

“Anything you like, it’s not going to be all that traditional or anything.”

“You’re making turkey sandwiches with meat from the deli and serving it with corn chips?”

“Pretty much…Cooper thinks he can manage mashed potatoes and gravy comes from a can anyway.”

Ian looked at Don a moment, verifying that he was serious. “Right, sounds great. We’ll bring cake.”

He studied Don a minute longer as the elder Eppes started to blush, ever so slightly.

He smirked. “Unless you’d rather I didn’t…”

Don coughed. “No, cake is fine.”

“I will drop Charlie and Isaac off at your apartment a little early so I can finish clearing the one-bedroom of personal items…does that work for you?”

“Yeah, works just fine.”

The sniper nodded and disappeared down to the firing range.


	3. Not Sandwiches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cooper buys groceries for Thanksgiving…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: Not Sandwiches  
Pairing/Characters: Cooper  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 346  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Cooper buys groceries for Thanksgiving…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, its not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

Cooper thought back over his favorite Thanksgiving as he picked up potatoes, a jar of gravy, the prepared turkey he had ordered when Don said they’d just get thick slices at the deli, a can of cranberry sauce, in case somebody ate it, a box of stuffing, a jar of mushrooms, three cans of green beans, beer, soda, milk, and after the nice woman in a holiday apron and a pilgrim’s hat told him it was easy to fix, the makings for the sweet potatoes with butter, brown sugar and marshmallows that the card she gave him said he needed.

It had been a few years ago, he had been sitting out in his truck, waiting for a fugitive to appear. Everything he had been told said the guy would be at this address for Thanksgiving. No show. He had thought he’d be able to wrap this one up and grab a Thanksgiving special at a diner near his hotel, but the hours had clicked by and he had resigned himself to a Thanksgiving dinner of half a bag of stale corn chips he had found under the driver’s seat. It was raining, heavy, making it hard to see.

Then there’d been a knocking at the driver’s side window and Don was standing there, having left Thanksgiving with his family to stand in the rain outside his truck. Cooper had cursed at him and rolled the window down, only to have Don pass him a bag with a turkey sandwich, made from a real turkey the carcass of which had to be sitting on a counter in LA, Tupperware containers of stuffing and mashed potatoes and gravy…all the trimmings. Don had gotten in and he had just taken a bite, when the guy showed up.

Don had told him just to eat and then chased the guy down, did everything by the book and even filled out the paperwork while Cooper ate dessert.

He smiled as he stood in the line that stretched from the cashier all the way down the aisle to the meat case.


	4. Leave a Message After the Beep and the Sniper will Hunt you Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian listens to the answering machine…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: Leave a Message After the Beep and the Sniper will Hunt you Down  
Pairing/Characters: Ian  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 406  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Ian listens to the answering machine…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, its not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

Ian dropped Charlie and Isaac off at Don and Cooper’s apartment. He handed the cake to Cooper, listened to Don bitch to Charlie that Cooper had ordered an actual turkey, and chuckled. He heard Charlie mention Alan and concern about them not going home, heard Don explain to Charlie with a touch of anger on the edges of his voice that Charlie was technically in protective custody and could not go back to the house. Ian scowled slightly, Don would have to tell Charlie about his conversation with Alan, even though Ian would prefer Charlie never know, since it might jeopardize their relationship as well.

He promised Isaac he was coming back and then returned to his apartment to box up the last of his personal belongings and shift them to the new apartment.

The light was blinking on the answering machine. He knew he should just unplug it and not listen. He knew. He had years of experience. But, there was always the chance that one of those messages could be important. He gritted his teeth and pressed the button.

Beep  
  
Ian, come home for Christmas. We miss you.  
  
Beep  
  
Ian, come home for Christmas, I promise I won’t make you dress up as Santa Claus this year for your niece and nephew... even though you haven’t even met them yet… they would like to meet their other uncle…they find Richard boring.  
  
Beep  
  
Ian! Christmas! Pick up the phone!  
  
Beep  
  
Ian, our dear sisters requested that I call you and leave you a message to encourage you to come home for Christmas. Sorry. They threatened.  
  
Beep  
  
Ian, it’s your mother, please come home for Christmas, it’s been years. There are members of the family that think you’re dead.  
  
Beep  
  
Hey cousin! Christmas! Come on! You’ve got to be there.  
  
Beep  
  
IAN! Little brother, are you screening your calls? I bet you are! You better pick up this instant…okay, I guess you’re really not there, come home. Christmas! Come on, every one will be there.  
  
Beep  
  
Ian - thirty-two days to Christmas. Please come home.  
  
Ian Edgerton looked at his answering machine and cursed softly. It wasn’t that he didn’t miss them. It wasn’t that he wouldn’t enjoy Christmas with the family, it had been years since he’d come home, for Christmas, for any reason.  
  
There was just something about coming home that made him feel unwelcome in his own skin.  
  
A killer among the civilized people.


	5. Guests

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alan has guests for Thanksgiving…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Guests  
Pairing/Characters: Alan  
Rating/Category: PG-13 (Lady E suggests that some may wish to have tissues at least in the same room)  
Word Count: 924  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Alan has guests for Thanksgiving…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, its not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Alan woke early to prepare for Thanksgiving.

Don would be over his snit, maybe even over Cooper, who knew.

Charlie would be discussing his latest project and Isaac would be fascinated by everything.

At least that was what he thought.

That was what he thought until both his sons did not answer their phones.

Cooper did not pick up either. He did not leave a message on Cooper’s voicemail.

He called his sons again. He left messages.

Megan informed him that Charlie was in protective custody, probably didn’t have his phone. Isaac was with him. She and Larry had plans for Thanksgiving, but thanks for the offer.

Alan wanted to protest, but if Charlie was in protective custody, then he was also being protected from that sniper.

Don was stubborn, always had been, he would come around. Megan hadn’t said, but maybe he was working, maybe he would come by later.

Alan fixed himself a plate, told himself he’d do the dishes later and sat down in front of the game.

He woke to the sound of water running. Don, it had to be Don washing dishes. It wasn’t Charlie, Megan had told him Charlie was in protective custody and anyway, Charlie loathed washing dishes.

Donny did too for that matter.

He started to stand up and moved faster when he heard women’s voices in the kitchen.

Margaret

Margaret stood at the sink, filling it with soapy water to soak the pans.

Another woman, one he didn’t know, younger, hair almost painfully short, sat in a chair, her feet up on the table. Combat boots, caked with mud.

The air smelled of dish soap and lily of the valley.

The woman at the table gestured animatedly and Alan heard her say Charlie and then Isaac…but the story in between was lost to him.

Margaret laughed, turning, a dish towel in her hands and Alan felt weak in the knees.

She saw him and stopped, setting the towel on the table.

The other woman turned and bright green eyes turned from emerald to steel in half a second.

Eva took her feet off the table.

Margaret smiled sadly. “Alan…don’t just stand there, come in here, sit down.”

Eva stood from the table and paced the floor, running tense hands through her cropped hair. “Mr. Eppes, please…sit.”

Margaret smiled at the young woman, full of tense energy. “Eva dear, calm down.”

Alan sat. “Margaret?”

She smiled at him, a sad smile. “You made a mess of this one…and don’t go thinking that Don hasn’t called or come over just because he’s stubborn. He is stubborn, they both are…all Eppes men are…especially when they’re in love.”

“Margaret…they can’t be…Don…maybe…but Charlie…no…he…”

“Slept with me.” Eva leaned against the counter. “That doesn’t entirely mean anything, Alexis helped him around the curves… Mr. Eppes…”

Margaret interrupted with a smile. “You can call him Alan, dear, you are the mother of his grandson.”

“Alan…I thought you knew what you were doing….Charlie’s just…so understanding, so loving…he sorted that out somewhere and I thought that was you…but now…now I’m not so sure…” She pushed away from the counter and stalked over to him.

The smell of lily of the valley was stronger when she was closer.

“Tell me I’m not wrong…tell me that you love your sons and that right now you just have a lot on your plate…a lot on your mind” She crouched down on the floor and took his hands in hers. “Charlie wanted to tell you, I wanted to tell you…Alexis wanted to tell you…because we thought we knew you, from everything Charlie said and how he...and the man Charlie is…we thought you would understand…that you would accept…” She stood, letting go of his hands, turning away from him.

Margaret put a hand on Eva’s shoulder as she passed her. “He does, Eva…he does…”

She walked over and leaned on the table. “Pretty empty this kitchen…it doesn’t have to be that way, Alan. Don is in love, accept it. You’re going to find out you have a son in law pretty soon.”

Alan ran a hand through his hair. “Cooper…Cooper is just…what Don needed…he’s going to be fine and then…”

Eva rounded on him from the counter. “There is no then…it’s love, it’s happiness, it just is…your sons have found people that love them and they return that love…what is so difficult about that?”

“It’s not…” Alan began, but Margaret held up a hand.

“Alan, dear...we have a grandson, we have two wonderful boys…they are happy, be happy for them.”

Alan started to stand and Eva watched him closely.

“Call the shrink, Alan.” Eva pushed herself away from the counter, a smudge of mud smeared on the floor as she opened the door to the yard.

Margaret smiled at him. “You’ll get through this, Alan…call the therapist, darling. I want all the boys here by Hanukkah.”

Alan started and stared at the television set. The game was over.

He took his plate to the kitchen, telling himself that he needed to run water into the sink to soak the pans.

He stopped when he entered.

The pans were soaking.

There was a dishtowel on the table.

The room smelled of lily of the valley and dish soap.

There was mud on the floor by the door.

He looked at the clock.

It was after midnight.

He left a message at the therapist’s office with his name and number and requested that she call him back, that she was recommended by Megan Reeves and he needed to make an appointment.


	6. Thankful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They don’t say it, but they are…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Thankful  
Pairing/Characters: Don, Cooper, Charlie, Ian  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 185  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: They don’t say it, but they are…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, its not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Cooper burnt the stuffing…twice.

Ian was thankful no one was expected to eat it.

Ian made chocolate cake. Don blushed and disappeared from the table.

Charlie was thankful no one told him why.

Don heard his cell phone go off, twice and the Charlie’s and then Cooper’s.

He was thankful no one answered.

Charlie did not butcher the prayer Eva said every thanksgiving beyond recognition.

Isaac was thankful Daddy remembered.

Isaac noticed the pretty ring Uncle Coop was wearing.

Cooper was thankful that Don explained it.

Even if he just said, “It means your Uncle Coop is mine and no one else’s.”

Charlie was thankful his brother was happy.

Cooper sliced the cake and hid an extra slice in the back of the fridge.

Don was thankful no one, especially Isaac, asked why.

Isaac had frosting on his nose and Charlie laughed wiping it away.

Ian was thankful Charlie laughed like that.

Charlie fell asleep against Ian’s shoulder in front of the game.

Don was thankful his brother was safe.

Cooper watched Don smile, watching his brother sleep.

He was thankful Don smiled like that.


	7. Different Calendar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian counts how many shopping days he has…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Different Calendar  
Pairing/Characters: Ian  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 397  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Ian counts how many shopping days he has…

Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.

Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Ian Edgerton glanced at the calendar as he left the conference room and headed for the firing range. Thirty two days until Christmas; approximately thirty shopping days to find something for Charlie and Isaac.

Wait. Something wasn’t quite right about that.

He stared at the calendar for a minute. Was there something he had forgotten?

He had ordered gifts and gift certificates for his family in September, just like every year. The only thing that changed was the occasional background check to make certain older members of the family were still alive and younger ones had not multiplied without his knowledge.

Right: so there were thirty days to sort out what was appropriate for Charlie and Isaac.

And then he heard Charlie say something that made his world turn slightly topsy-turvy.

Charlie promising Isaac that next week they would have the Shabbat.

Shabbat. Jewish. Hanukkah.

Ian flipped the calendar to December and blinked.

Hanukkah began the 15th at sunset and ended the 23rd.

He had twenty days.

Twenty days and no idea what to give Charlie or Isaac and he should probably find something for Don as well and if he acquired something for Don, he’d have to find something for Cooper… shit.

Years of Edgerton family traditions did not prepare him for this. He knew how to roast chestnuts…the fact that they sounded a little like gunfire when they split open made that a favorite tradition from his youth. He could recite thirteen recipes for Wassail and twice as many for eggnog and knew Dickens’ Christmas Carol by heart, but this was entirely different.

He also felt like a heel because he had not made the Challah for Isaac; they had returned late from Don and Cooper’s… he could fix that.

He’d run out on his lunch break and get Challah from the store; next week he would make it.

And a book.

A book about Hanukkah, because he had no idea what he was doing… hell, a book on Jewish holidays, because there were, of course, more than just this one.

Ian passed Don as he stepped on to the elevator. Don stopped the door from closing.

“You okay?”

“Twenty days.”

“Twenty days?”

“Twenty days to find something for your brother and nephew before Hanukkah.”

Ian smirked as the door closed.

The look on Don’s face meant he wasn’t the only one who had been caught unaware.


	8. What do you give a guy who contemplates the cosmos?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Megan discusses the holidays and Larry with Charlie…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: What do you give a guy who contemplates the cosmos?  
Pairing/Characters: Megan, Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 273  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Megan discusses the holidays and Larry with Charlie…

Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.

Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

It was lunch when Charlie was disturbed again. Megan knocked on the door and entered with lunch for father and son.

“Hey, Charlie… I want to talk to you… about Larry.”

Charlie looked up from a notebook. “Something happen?”

“No, well, not yet… Charlie, what do you give a guy who contemplates the cosmos?”

“Ummm… can you be more specific…?”

“Well, I guess for… what does Larry celebrate, Charlie?”

“Newtonmas.”

“What?”

“The celebration of the 25th of December as Isaac Newton’s birthday. Lots of scientists celebrate it instead of Christmas or anything and they all have different ideas of how… Larry usually does a dramatic reading of Newton’s laws and then there’s his static-electricity ballet to Holtz’s the Planets. There’s hot white chocolate with marshmallows out in the middle of nowhere, where the stars are bright, with a telescope, capped off with coconut cake at midnight… he and I never exchanged gifts on Newtonmas… and he is sort’ve transient right now… actually… I don’t know where he’ll hold the ballet this year… maybe his office… but CalSci will be closed for the holidays…”

Megan smiled. “He can hold it at my place… how many people usually show up?”

“His string theory lunch group usually makes an appearance… but it’s casual, some show up for the star gazing, others for the dramatic reading… I don’t know if there are invites sent out; it was word of mouth at Princeton… this doesn’t really answer your original question does it?”

“It does, Charlie.” She smiled again. “Enjoy your lunch.”

She left and Charlie and Isaac exchanged confused look.

“Dr. Flying-heart?”

Charlie nodded. “Yep: Megan and Dr. Flying-heart.”

Isaac nodded and bit into his sandwich, chewing happily, as though that explained everything.


	9. Right, so Menorah?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don discusses the holidays with Charlie…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Right, so Menorah?  
Pairing/Characters: Don, Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 402  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Don discusses the holidays with Charlie…

Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.

Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Don stepped into the conference room. “Charlie, I need to talk to you about…”

He looked at Charlie and then at Isaac, who was looking at him expectantly, but it would be better that he not mention this in front of Isaac… he could spell… wait, no, Charlie couldn’t… Isaac probably spelled better than Charlie…

“Stuff… come out here a moment.”

Charlie set Isaac up with some toys and walked into the hall with Don. Don shut the door to the conference room.

“What’s up? Is dad okay?” Charlie was starting to get agitated.

“No – I mean yes, dad is fine – I need to talk to you about Hanukkah.”

Charlie nodded. “Okay: Eva and Alexis did all the traditional things; usually I took the red-eye on the seventh night to be there for the eighth…”

Don looked at him. “That mid-December math conference…”

“Yeah: something boring enough to not arouse suspicion.” Charlie shrugged “I am sorry…”

“Charlie, no need for that… okay? So, we’re going to do the traditional stuff for Isaac…”

Charlie nodded. “Yeah, not that difficult, it’s not Christmas.”

“You might want to tell Ian that; he looked a little panicked.”

Charlie laughed. “I’ll talk to him about it tonight.”

“Right, so Menorah?”

“Got it: it’s in the box with the Shabbat stuff. Relax… there’s like twenty days, I’ll handle everything. Just bring your own Yarmulke.”

“Charlie, where do you get a Yarmulke?”

“You can order one on-line or there’s a Judaic bookstore three blocks up from CalSci; you and Cooper can get matching ones.”

“Cute, Chuck.”

Charlie shrugged. “Hey, mine matches Isaac’s.”

“You have a Yarmulke.”

“Don, I did a lot of traditional things with Eva and Alexis from the beginning… heck, I even took Hebrew lessons one summer… not that I don’t butcher most things; I have a terrible accent. I understand if you don’t want to, but a lot of the traditions were important to Eva and I want to keep them for Isaac… so he doesn’t forget them…”

Don put a hand on his shoulder. “Yeah, no problem; I’ll get one for dad too. You want to let Ian pick out his own or do you want me to handle that?”

“Something tells me you’d look for one in a camouflage print… it’s up to Ian… I have a lot to talk to him about, don’t I?”

“Yeah, but you’ve got time Charlie… you two just started… whatever it is you two are doing…”

“Putting things on the table.”

“Right.” Don turned and Charlie walked back into the conference room.

He had to tell Charlie about the fight with dad… no, it would be better if he didn’t.

He had to tell dad that Charlie was living with the sniper… no, maybe he shouldn’t mention that.

He had to tell dad they were doing the traditional stuff for Hanukkah and if he had a problem with the sniper or Cooper or anyone else for that matter, he had to stuff it in his hippie pipe and smoke it.

Don hoped his father didn’t have a hippie pipe.

Right… someone had to have robbed a bank or killed someone or kidnapped someone… it was the holidays.

He fled to the safety of the files on his desk.


	10. Sniper Appreciation Month

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie realizes that Ian’s panic probably means he should too…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Sniper Appreciation Month  
Pairing/Characters: Larry, Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 278  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Charlie realizes that Ian’s panic probably means he should too…

Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.

Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Larry took the request for books about Christmas in stride. Charles would likely explain when he arrived at the FBI office. He walked through to the conference room where Charles was scribbling on the board.

“Charles? I have the books you requested.”

Charlie turned. “Great! Okay… this is great.” Charlie tossed the marker aside and sat at the table, sliding the stack of books closer and grabbing the first one.

“What, may I ask, are you looking for?”

“Don said Ian was looking a bit panicked about Hanukkah… so, he’s never celebrated Hanukkah before and I’ve never celebrated Christmas exactly, so…”

“You thought you should do a little research for this suddenly mixed house… Megan.”

Charlie looked around for Agent Reeves. She wasn’t there. “Uh, Larry?”

“I just realized: Megan does not celebrate Newtonmas…”

“I told her about it; she seemed happy.” Charlie returned to the book, flipping past discussions of Santa Claus… Christmas trees… he paused at Advent and read closely. He took notes. Small gifts counting down to the twenty-fifth… that would make it easier to explain to Isaac and it would be fun.

“Charles? Have you found something?” Larry sat down next to him.

“Yes, I’m liking this Advent thing.”

“And if Agent Edgerton doesn’t celebrate…”

Charlie smiled. “Then we just call it sniper appreciation month.”

He started to make a list.

Larry contemplated this. “Ah, the ease with which we can alter the universe when love is present… Charles… can I borrow your appreciation month?”

Charles looked up. “I don’t think there’s a law against appreciating more than one person in a month, Larry – go ahead: appreciate Megan all you like.”

“Thank you, Charles… pass me a piece of paper.”


	11. Nebula Appreciation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Larry goes shopping…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Nebula Appreciation  
Pairing/Characters: Larry  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 79  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Larry goes shopping…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

He found a very clear photograph of the M57 Nebula and had it framed.

A box of truffles.

Perfume that smelled of tuberoses.

A package of white hot chocolate mix.

Narcissus bulbs.

A soft, winter white cashmere turtleneck.

Vanilla bath salts.

That was the first week.

He took these things to his office, the halls quiet and empty.

No students on a Saturday.

He wrapped each item in white paper and numbered them.

He smiled.

He hoped she would understand.


	12. Making a List

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shopping for Ian requires duplicity… and possibly clearance...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Making a List  
Pairing/Characters: Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 325  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Shopping for Ian requires duplicity… and possibly clearance...  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Leftover Challah made French toast on Saturday morning.

Ian apologized to Isaac twice. Isaac told Merlin he was silly.

Charlie found the apologies sweet.

He and Ian had discussed Hanukkah. Charlie assured the sniper the plan was more laid back than what Ian seemed to be imagining: eight nights of family dinners, lighting the Menorah, special foods, little gifts… nothing too fancy or expensive; just thoughtful. Ian had smiled and held him on the couch while they talked and Charlie had managed to get Ian to discuss a few family traditions of his own.

Now he needed to find out enough about Ian to either order or have Don or Larry pick up gifts for twenty-five days, unless he could slip from the sniper’s watchful eye for an hour or two to pick up the things on his list himself.

The last idea was very unlikely, unless he had one of the other agents with him.

Maybe Megan.

He had a partial list: there were things mentioned in Ian’s grandfather’s recipe-filled notebook that were not in the sniper’s cupboards. A bag of chestnuts, because Ian had mentioned them as something his family traditionally did and he enjoyed. There were generic things: gun oil, a box or two of ammunition would be good… he just needed to know what type.

At this point, he was alternating between gun related items and baking supplies… it was a rather disturbing list.

Charlie had taken to writing his notes about sniper appreciation month, as he mentally called it, in numeric code.

Isaac giggled every time he saw his daddy writing the numbers that meant surprises for Merlin.

Isaac climbed into Charlie’s lap and pointed at the encoded list. Charlie whispered in his ear what each thing was, thoughts and ideas, reminding Isaac it was a secret.

Isaac nodded. It was an important secret. Twenty-five surprises for Merlin, to let Merlin know he and his daddy loved Merlin very much.


	13. Checking it Twice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian’s brother believes something could be wrong…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon - this fic deals with mostly OCs, but one canon character is mentioned - for later bits to make sense it is necessary

Title: Checking it Twice  
Pairing/Characters: Conference Wives OCs  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 460  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Ian’s brother believes something could be wrong…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon - this fic deals with mostly OCs, but one canon character is mentioned - for later bits to make sense it is necessary

The day before Thanksgiving, the holiday season was officially begun in the Edgerton household as gifts from the wayward son began to appear.

Each wrapped by the merchant from whom they had been ordered, each with a card that everyone knew from experience would say Merry Christmas and nothing else. There was no need for Ian to have his name written on the cards; they all knew who they were from, even the children, the nieces and nephews who had never met him.

To the children, Uncle Ian was almost a mythical figure, like Santa Claus. All they knew was that Uncle Ian never came to Christmas or birthdays, but always sent the best gifts (never clothes), and the adults always said he was away doing something important… and what was more important on Christmas than delivering gifts to all the boys and girls in the world? Why else would he never be there?

The adults however, knew very differently. After Ian’s grandfather had passed, he had appeared on Christmas eve, as he had all the years before, with the exclusion of years of military service, but was gone before dawn on Christmas day and he had yet to return.

Their holiday season began with Thanksgiving phone calls to whatever contact number Ian’s elder brother, Richard, had received.

Two days after Thanksgiving, Richard began receiving calls.

Worried calls, even panicked calls… the number was not working; a recording said it was disconnected… did they have the right number?

Richard called his brother.

_You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service; please check the number and dial again._

He called the number again.

_You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service; please check the number and dial again._

Richard dug the two-sentence letter from Ian that had detailed his most recent telephone number out of his desk.

He had the right number… it had been disconnected.

He called everyone back. Ian was fine, he assured them; each time he said it, he reassured himself. Ian had moved. It was the way of his job. He would have a new number soon.

The excuse sat heavy in the pit of his stomach. He had no way of knowing if Ian had moved.

If Ian chose to not send him a phone number, he would have no way of telling Ian if anything happened to anyone in the family… no way of telling his brother, begging his brother, cursing at his brother to come home for Christmas.

His only solace was Ian’s assurance of three years ago that the FBI would contact him if anything happened.

He closed his eyes and prayed they would never call.


	14. Naughty and Nice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cooper believes Don is lucky…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Naughty and Nice  
Pairing/Characters: Don, Cooper  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 362  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Cooper believes Don is lucky…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Cooper sighed as Don rested against him, lounging in bed a little later because it was Saturday.

Don was quiet. A quiet Don usually meant one of two things: Cooper was about to get jumped, or Don had something on his mind.

Cooper weighed the silence and mentally groaned. This was not the jumping silence.

“Okay, Don, what’s on your mind?”

“Hanukkah.”

“Okay… festival of lights, dreidels, chocolate coins and potato pancakes… that’s all I have on that…”

“We’re going to be celebrating it with Charlie and Isaac and Ian… and…”

“Your father.”

“Yeah… I can’t tell Charlie what we’re fighting about… Ian is good for Charlie and I can’t have him just throwing whatever he and Ian have away because dad disapproves… hell… right now Ian and Isaac are all that’s keeping Charlie sane, but family is damn important… so… I have to make peace with dad and find a way to make sure he doesn’t upset me, you, Charlie, the sniper or Isaac for eight days.”

Cooper chuckled. “Well, that’s not so bad. In fact you’re lucky.”

“What? What are you talking about?” Don leaned up on his elbows and looked at Cooper.

Cooper leaned forward and kissed him. “You can be as angry at your father as you want to be; you can lie to your brother, threaten your father and screw around with me all you like.”

Don looked at him a long minute. “Yeah… so?”

“And you will still get presents for eight nights… none of this nonsense about being naughty or nice…”

Don stared at Cooper a long minute and started to laugh, collapsing back onto the bed next to him.

Cooper leaned over him and kissed him, deep and wet, nipping at Don’s lips.

Don stopped laughing with a gasp. “I think you’re pretty lucky too.”

Cooper looked down at him. “How so?”

“I can be as naughty as I want to be and you get to reap the benefits.”

Cooper leaned back against the pillows, looking up at the ceiling until Don propped himself back up to look down at him.

“Works for me.” Cooper grabbed Don around the waist and rolled him under.


	15. Mistletoe is white

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Larry looks through the books again…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Mistletoe is white  
Pairing/Characters: Larry  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 188  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Larry looks through the books again…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Larry curled up in the back seat of his car reading the books again, looking for things that would fit into his new tradition of nebula appreciation.

There were plenty of interesting traditions, but few seemed worthy of Megan. He flipped through sections that related predominately to children and stopped at a line drawing of a man and woman kissing under some sort of configuration of plants.

He flipped back a page and started to read. He opened the other books and cross-referenced.

He contemplated.

Would it be too forward, too presumptuous…? And on top of that, would someone else take advantage of the presence of such a symbol and…

There was a knock on the window. Larry jumped, hoped it wasn’t the police again and rolled the window down.

Megan leaned in the window and kissed him, passing a cup of hot white chocolate to him as he opened the door.

He closed the book.

Mistletoe was white; he could incorporate mistletoe into his nebula appreciation. He would just make certain that he gave it to her personally and outside the presence of the rest of the cosmos.


	16. Comfortable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie gets comfortable…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Comfortable  
Pairing/Characters: Charlie, Ian  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 429  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Charlie gets comfortable…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Charlie lounged on the couch, notebook in hand, attempting to find a comfortable position against Ian, while the sniper read the paper.

Charlie finally gave up on finding a comfortable section of Ian’s side and rested his head in Ian’s lap. The sniper stilled.

Charlie looked up. “This okay?”

Ian nodded. Charlie smiled at him and returned to his notebook. Ian looked over the paper to where Isaac played happily with blocks and cars on the floor. Ian made a mental note of this; Isaac, for all his intelligence, was still a four year old and interested in the same things other four year olds seemed to be interested in.

He ran a hand over Charlie’s hair before turning the page and felt his chest tighten slightly as Charlie sighed happily and snuggled in, two layers of cloth all that separated those curls from Ian’s groin.

Ian was certain that the professor was completely unaware of what he did to him.

Somehow that strengthened the effect.

He glanced over the holiday ads: clothes, electronics, toys… clothes were not an option. The professor was perfect in his old jeans and faded t-shirts, even though sometimes they accentuated his youthful appearance until it became slightly disturbing.

Especially in light of what Ian wanted to do to the body beneath those clothes…

Ian mentally shook himself. Time, all of this needed time.

No one was certain that Penfield had not molested or raped Charlie.

Charlie did not know.

Ian tensed, thinking about Penfield and the gaps that Megan had hoped to no avail that Charlie could fill… and then a tentative hand came to rest upon the hollow of his shoulder and he felt himself instinctively relax, as though he had just fitted the rifle stock in the same place. The two sensations merged as Charlie leaned up and pressed a light kiss to his jaw.

He caught the back of Charlie’s head and cradled it in his hand, leaning down and kissing the professor, his kiss tinged with just a fraction of the possessiveness the professor inspired in him.

Charlie’s lips parted and he deepened the kiss.

They broke apart when Isaac stole the newspaper from Ian’s hand with giggles and exuberance.

Charlie’s cheeks were flushed and Ian was uncertain whether that was from the kiss or the embarrassment of having the kiss interrupted by his son.

Ian smiled and ran a hand through Charlie’s hair before giving chase to the four year old petty thief, retrieving the newspaper and settling Isaac into his lap to read the comics page to him.


	17. Gift List

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don and Cooper write out a list of what gifts they need to get…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Gift List  
Pairing/Characters: Don, Cooper  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 277  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Don and Cooper write out a list of what gifts they need to get…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

“Your father.” Cooper began the list, chewing on the pen cap.

“Easy: gift certificates, book store, restaurants, maybe a membership to museums he took me and Chuck to as kids… he’ll want to take Isaac.”

“Okay – Isaac.”

“Charlie says he’s really into the blocks, so we’ll check the recommended ages on some building sets… that will also make dad happy. For one of the nights we’ll get something more traditional… something he can hold on to for a long time and know it was from us for his first Hanukkah in LA.”

“Charlie”

“Oh man, I don’t know… math stuff… I guess…”

“Well, I’ve got a few ideas.”

“You think you’ve got Charlie figured out? Go for it.”

“Okay, the gay karma sutra…”

“You are joking right? We don’t even own a copy of that…”

“I didn’t think we needed any help; your brother is more research oriented…”

“Oh no, this is not something I need to get trapped in my head. I am perfectly content to view my brother’s relationship in terms of a table.”

“Well, I guess we could give him and Ian a table, but I think the book would help before Ian decided it would be a good idea to christen it…”

“Coop, I am perfectly content with you always thinking about us having sex… but can you not think about my brother having sex?”

“Okay, so we print out some coupons promising we’ll babysit so he and Ian can go to the movies.”

“That’s a good idea.”

Cooper wrote down baby sitting coupons and movie tickets.

He made a mental note to provide both Eppes brothers with a copy of a particular book.


	18. Santa Claus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David and Colby make a deal to revisit one of David’s childhood traditions…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon - I am just forever on the naughty list for writing this one… Lady E swears this fic traumatized her for life...

Title: Santa Claus  
Pairing/Characters: David, Colby  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 303  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: David and Colby make a deal to revisit one of David’s childhood traditions…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon - I am just forever on the naughty list for writing this one… Lady E swears this fic traumatized her for life...

Colby stared at the two invitations on the table. David watched Colby.

Colby looked up. “Rock, paper, scissors?”

David shook his head. “Flip a coin?”

“Didn’t help last year… toss ‘em in a hat?”

David slumped in his chair. “We don’t have a big enough hat… poker?”

“Yeah, that worked really well last time…” Colby smiled.

“Right… that was a draw…”

Colby smirked. “But at least we were both naked.”

“What did we do last year?”

“Last year, we flipped a coin and you won. We went to your grandmother’s place and I spent five hours on a couch listening to you grandmother tell me about how you spent your second, third and fourth Christmases getting out of your clothes and running through her living room naked, swearing that if you did so, Santa Claus couldn’t see you and you would be able to catch him. Of course, I was playing the part of the fellow agent with nowhere to go for the holidays and your three aunts tried to set me up with your cousins and made me eat six helpings of okra and seven helpings of yams.”

“Right… that was what we did last year.”

“My family doesn’t have stories like that to share about me and we don’t eat okra.”

“So, are you saying you want to go visit your family?”

Colby shook his head. “I have a better idea: we tell everyone we have to work and then we just stay here. I’ll wear a Santa Claus hat and you can run around naked trying to catch me.”

David looked at him a long moment. “Make it the whole suit and you have a deal.”

Colby sighed. “Okay, but there had better be something more than milk and cookies in it for me.”

David shrugged. “I’ll write you a list.”


	19. Bearing Tidings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his first therapy session Alan seeks out Don at the FBI…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Bearing Tidings  
Pairing/Characters: Alan, Don, Cooper, Megan  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 791  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: After his first therapy session Alan seeks out Don at the FBI…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

The therapist’s office was four blocks from the federal building. Alan picked up lunch for Don and Cooper, hoping Cooper liked the same things Don liked and walked over. He signed in; security knew him by now; and with a visitor badge tacked to his collar he walked through the bull pen to Don’s desk. Don was buried in work.

“Donny, you want some lunch?”

“In a minute, Dad, I need to sort this out so I know what to tell Charlie.”

Alan waited and swallowed a laugh when Don’s head snapped up.

“Dad?”

“I… brought lunch for you and Cooper… but I don’t see him around…”

“He works upstairs…”

“Don… I’m sorry… okay… Megan recommended this nice lady for me to talk to about everything and… I would rather she had recommended her to me for a date, but… another time… Don, I want you and Cooper to come for Hanukkah… is it possible to get Charlie out of wherever he is by the 15th?”

Don nodded. “He’ll still have an agent on him… the… uh… the NSA was sort’ve particular about that.” Don glanced over at the conference room and verified that the sniper was not having lunch with Charlie and Isaac. Charlie was scribbling something on the board and Isaac was sitting on the table handing his father files from a box.

“NSA? So he’s not in FBI custody?”

“No, he’s in FBI custody.” Don glanced back at the conference room.

Alan turned to look at what Don was looking at and then rounded back on Don. “You have your brother locked up in a conference room in your office?”

“No, dad… Charlie is just here during the day... he’s still consulting.”

“And he isn’t going… off…”

“Sometimes, Dad… this morning was bad; Colby gave him a cup of coffee…”

“What’s wrong with coffee?” Alan watched Charlie and Isaac.

“Penfield took Charlie after drugging his coffee… Dad, it’s a serious trigger for him. That’s what caused all the problems the night before… before we had our disagreement… he was probably making himself some coffee because he couldn’t sleep or was afraid to sleep and then freaked himself out…”

“And threw out the coffee… if he’s afraid to sleep, Donny, shouldn’t he at least be at home, where he knows he’s safe… instead of with some agent… does he even know the agent he and Isaac are staying with, I mean, had they met before?”

Don ran a hand through his hair and wished Cooper would show up and say something, anything, to keep him from having to tell Alan that Charlie was staying with Ian.

No luck.

“Dad, there was only one agent here with enough clearance to make the NSA happy enough to not take Charlie… away.”

“Away? Away where?”

“I don’t know, Dad… they took Charlie into custody once before and I don’t have the clearance to know where they put him then and you certainly don’t have the clearance for me to tell you more than that… Charlie is staying with Agent Edgerton.”

Cooper chose that minute to walk off the elevator.

Don promised himself that he would talk to Cooper about improving his timing as he carefully looked up at his father.

“Agent Edgerton? Your brother is staying with Agent Edgerton… Don, I specifically told you…”

“Dad… Ian has the clearance to make the NSA happy; that is the reason Charlie and Isaac are staying with him. We are not going to fight about this.”

Megan walked over. “Alan, how about you go talk to Charlie and Isaac, okay?”

Alan took a deep breath and looked from Megan to Don to Cooper who had come to stand behind Don’s left shoulder and nodded. “Yeah, I would like that, if that’s okay…”

Don nodded. “Yeah, Dad…just don’t upset Charlie, okay?”

Alan nodded and walked over to knock on the conference room door.

Don turned to Megan. “Thanks…”

“You’re not going to thank me when I tell you why I need to talk to you.”

Don gripped the back of his chair. The only thing Megan was working on that he didn’t know everything about was Charlie’s case. “What… did Penfield escape or something?”

Megan took a deep breath. “No, they have ruled him incompetent to stand trial and remanded him to an institution… but, that means that there’s no set calendar for his release and he’s not stupid… he could figure out what they want him to say pretty quick and if he does…”

“He could be released or moved to lower security quarters without being stable and Charlie’s in trouble.” Cooper finished, leaning against a partition.  
  
Don sat down heavily in his chair, staring at his brother as he animatedly discussed something with Alan, Isaac sitting in his grandfather’s lap.

“Don, are you okay?” Cooper had a hand on his shoulder.

“Yeah… I just need to give a certain sniper a crowbar.”


	20. Neither Comfort nor Joy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don tells Ian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Neither Comfort nor Joy  
Pairing/Characters: Ian, Don  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 228  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Don tells Ian  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Don spotted Ian as he stepped off the elevator and excused himself. He caught Ian by the arm and walked him back into the elevator and closed the doors.

Ian quirked an eyebrow. “Eppes?”

“Ian… Penfield has been ruled incompetent to stand trial and remanded to an institution… Penfield has no record and… shit, Ian… there’s a pretty good chance he could get out without anyone addressing his intentions towards Charlie…”

“Where’s Charlie?” Ian’s eyes hardened and drilled into Don’s.

“With Isaac and Alan in the conference room.”

“Alan’s here?”

“He came to bring sandwiches and make amends, see if Charlie would be out of protective custody in time for Hanukkah.”

“Does he know Charlie is staying with me?”

Don nodded. “Yeah… and he didn’t take that well…”

“Does Charlie know about Penfield?”

“Not yet.”

“Don’t tell him… I’ll do it tonight, at the apartment.”

“Are you and Charlie having lunch today?”

“Have Charlie have lunch with Alan, send Cooper to the deli or something, I’m going back to the range.” Ian pressed the button and let Don off the elevator.

He held the door open long enough to watch Charlie for a moment and then pressed the button for the subbasement range. His anger simmered beneath the surface as the box in his mind where he locked away each and every blood-soaked fantasy of the demise of Marshall Penfield creaked open.


	21. Post-it Notes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie ventures down to the range…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Post-it Notes  
Pairing/Characters: Don, Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 418  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Charlie ventures down to the range…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

The hour grew late. Don had been agitated most of the afternoon and when Cooper appeared to collect him, Charlie looked around for Ian. The sniper was no where in sight.

“Don? Was Ian up here earlier?”

Don looked at Charlie a long minute and Charlie was confused by the expression on his brother’s face, but before he could quantify it, Don looked away. “He’s on the range.”

“Well, I guess I’ll go down there and wait for him…can you and Cooper take Isaac, we’ll pick him up on our way back to the apartment.”

Don looked at Charlie again and still, Charlie could not quite grasp what it was before he looked away. “Yeah, just…stay with Ian, if it’s late, just call and Cooper and I will keep Isaac, okay?”

Charlie nodded and after hugs and explanations to Isaac, Isaac agreed to go with Uncle Coop and Uncle Don.

Charlie made his way down to the range. On the door a computer printed sign read: Armory Closed. Range Closed.

Surrounding the sign, dozens of different colored post-it notes.

Agent Edgerton is on the range.  
Agent Edgerton is on the range and mad.  
Mad? Are you nuts? He’s down right furious!  
Enter at your own risk! Vengeful Sniper God in Residence!  
Vengeful? Yeah, well, if there are human targets in there some one had better be building an ark.  
Call Noah in accounting: EX 4287  
Hell, Call Moses in payroll: EX 2932  
How about Jesus in the Toledo office?  
You think that would help?  
More than Noah in accounting  
Stop calling me about this!!! Come on!!! Leave me out of it!!!  
Me too! What the hell is a cubit?  
Do not open this door.  
If you must open this door, check your Kevlar.  
So…tomorrow we have to reorder ammunition?  
Hell, in another fifteen minutes someone might want to reorder ammunition.  
Bets on the Sniper God being here all night?  
I’ve got five bucks says he’s still in there at 9am.  
You’re on.  
Do you realize if he sees these we will all fail our firearm recertification?  
Yeah! Even those of us who didn’t write notes!  
You just wrote a note, genius.  
How long has he been in there?  
Since lunch  
Uh oh…anyone know what’s going on?  
Will the last person to read these notes please remove them.  
If the last person to read these notes is Agent Edgerton, please be aware we mean no disrespect, sir.

Charlie removed each note as he read it and put the stack in his pocket. He slowly opened the door.


	22. Angry Sniper God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Only other deities can look upon the wrath of a god…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Angry Sniper God  
Pairing/Characters: Ian/Charlie  
Rating/Category: R/NC-17  
Word Count: 1,126  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Only other deities can look upon the wrath of a god…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Anyone stupid enough to still be on the range had vacated when the sniper arrived. Trench coat snapping angrily behind his ground-eating strides; black eyes that seemed to bear no trace of humanity; mayhem etched in the lines of his face; the impossible grace of the Grim Reaper’s arched scythe in every movement.

Death stalked the halls, and everyone knew.

Target.

Acquire.

Annihilate.

Repeat.

One face hovered over the targets. With every bullet, a gout of blood in his mind’s eye; an explosion of gore.

Edgerton wanted the control back, wanted life and death in his hands. He craved a living target with a hunger that should have terrified him.

Again.

Again.

Cordite smoke filled his nostrils. Rage flooded his mind, clouded his vision, obscured time itself…

He almost didn’t notice that he wasn’t alone.

Gentle hands on his hips.

Edgerton swung around, stock still firmly mounted against his shoulder. The intruder ducked and dodged, and Edgerton swung again.

A head appeared between his gun and the target.

Huge brown eyes. Pale skin. A nose half of L.A. would have had chiseled down long ago. Riotous dark curls, interrupted by range ear guards.

“Charlie?! What the Hell are you doing?” Tearing off his own ear guards, Edgerton tried to constrain his fury. “I could have killed you!”

Charlie didn’t respond. Just looked at Edgerton with eyes that carved holes in every layer of armor he’d ever built. Edgerton felt his rage begin to ebb, a throbbing pulse that seemed to supersede his heartbeat. It wasn’t Charlie’s fault. Hell, Charlie needed his comfort now, not to be left alone with his thoughts while Edgerton holed up here and wasted ammunition on mental ghosts and his own powerlessness. Charlie would need to know about Penfield… it wouldn’t do any good for him to spend the day wondering why everyone was behaving so strangely.

“Charlie…”

Whatever he might have said was silenced. Charlie’s lips met his across the length of the rifle still clutched in Ian’s hands. The brush of those lips was soft, a measure of the tenderness he should be receiving rather than giving. Ian’s breath slowed, and his left hand released the rifle to thread into that untamable hair.

The professor sank closer, his own left hand resting on Ian’s right over the rifle’s grip. Those lips parted, hungry, seeking more, and Ian’s passion slipped out of check. Before he could stop, his fingers closed in that hair and Charlie’s head followed his command, angling back and pulling Charlie off balance, vulnerable… Charlie’s hands came up to grip Ian’s arms as Ian stepped between his legs, pinning Charlie between the partition wall and the long, hard lines of his body… he felt his name moan past Charlie’s lips and drank deep…

_Stop it… you’ll scare him… stop now._

A ragged breath tore from Ian’s throat as he relinquished Charlie’s mouth. He held Charlie there, by nothing but that hair and Charlie’s own grip, his muscles leaping beneath his skin and his eyes devouring the heavy-lidded flush on Charlie’s face. “I’m sorry…”

“No.” Charlie’s eyes slowly opened, meeting Ian’s… he lost himself in the black, his mind mapping… calculating… he felt Ian’s grip ease, relaxing their bodies away from the wall. There was a gleam in Ian’s eyes… keen and predatory… “Just shoot.”

Ian blinked twice, his jaw dropping in astonishment. “What?”

He picked up a new clip from the table beside Ian, nudging it into Ian’s right hand. “Shoot, Ian. I’ll be right here.”

Charlie reached up and adjusted Ian’s ear guards back into place, his brown eyes soft and serious.

Stunned, Ian watched as Charlie gave a slight adjustment to his ear guards and slowly sank to the floor at Ian’s feet. Curling up between the partition wall and Ian’s legs, Charlie hugged his knees and looked up at Ian, waiting for Ian to act on the impulse that had driven him here. After a moment, Ian changed the clip in the rifle, shouldered the stock again, and lined up his shot.

The first shot rang out, and Charlie watched Ian’s face. There was an edge across his features keener than a knife blade, a ferocity that nearly defied analysis. Little wonder Ian was reckoned a god among snipers… there was something feral and otherworldly about him…

With the taste of the professor still on his lips, Ian’s fury had settled from a roaring fire to a banked ember. He was able to slip into his zone, his focus razor-sharp, his senses tuned to the rhythm of the rifle and shot and impact with the target. Charlie was there, at his feet, protected…

Slim fingers, powdered with chalk dust, touched him… brushing gently… and then the most tentative touch of soft, kiss-stung lips…

For the first time in his life, Ian Edgerton missed the target completely.

In fact, he damn near dropped his gun.

“Charlie…” His voice caught in his throat as he looked down… the sight of that dark, curly head kneeling before him just beneath the rifle in his hands… He nudged the ear guards away from Charlie’s ears, then his own. “Cha… Charlie, you don’t have…”

“Ian… it’s all right…” Charlie looked up at him, those brown eyes trusting. “Just shoot.”

For a moment, Ian couldn’t grasp Charlie’s motives… but those lips closed over him again, gentle and probing, and something blossomed inside his chest.

He adjusted their ear guards, shouldered the stock of the rifle… his eyes closed for a moment, and then he focused.

Charlie’s eyes closed, his mind gathering data. Without conscious intent, he began exploring the rhythm of pulse beat and rifle shot, temperature, length and breadth, timing suction and tongue strokes and soft scrapes of his teeth… he could sense Ian’s soft moans, tempered his technique to match the rounds in the clip, learning Ian… memorizing… feeling…

Ian had sampled a wide range of predilections in his love life. There had been the wide receiver on his high school football team who taught him to give head during his sophomore year; a senior who’d loved messing around in the locker room, the boys’ bathrooms, on the football field. The spotter in Afghanistan who worshipped his talents but was terrified of their being discovered. A forensic analyst at Quantico who would arrange to meet him late at night in the lab and beg for stories of his kills, usually on his knees or braced against the lab tables.

His skills were legend, his allure lethal; there were students and fellow agents and even perfect strangers to whom his acumen with a rifle was irresistible.

He had picked and chosen; they had vied for his attentions, offering greater lust and more exotic pleasures as his reputation swelled to godhood.

The last bullet fired. Ian’s hand dropped from the trigger to Charlie’s hair.

A long moan broke over his lips as he spilled past Charlie’s.

**This** was a first.

Silence. The ear guards muffled the sound of Ian’s heavy breathing as Charlie gently refastened the sniper’s clothing. Ian’s fingers struggled to release Charlie’s hair and allow him to stand; the almost-pain of his grip on the barrel of the rifle registered as his close-cropped fingernails eased from the skin of his palm. As Charlie stood, a bashful smile playing at his lips, Ian couldn’t help smiling back, setting the rifle down. In fact, he didn’t seem to care that his hand trembled as he reached out and removed the guards from Charlie’s ears, then his own. “I never knew you were so… reckless… someone could have walked in…”

“With you so angry, the probability of anyone intruding on the privacy of the FBI’s sniper god while he’s… pulling the trigger… is infinitesimal.”

Ian quirked an eyebrow. “You calculated that before you even walked in here, didn’t you?”

The innocent, quixotic smile curled Charlie’s lips as he removed something from the pocket of his jacket. Ian’s eyebrow quirked just a bit higher as he removed it from those slender fingers.

Post-Its.

A whole pile of them.

Different colors, different sizes. Ian flipped through them, his smile becoming more sardonic with every message. He looked back up at Charlie, a wry comment about the abundance of time the FBI apparently had on its hands.

Charlie’s expression caused the words to die in his throat.

Contrition reflected in those soft brown eyes… Charlie was standing there, face downcast and penitent. Ian folded the Post-Its into his hand and reached out, brushing the first two fingers of his right hand over Charlie’s cheek. “Charlie? What is it?”

“I’m sorry.”

Ian’s eyes felt like they popped right out of his head. Stuffing the notes into his pocket, he stepped forward and took Charlie into his arms. “If you think you need to apologize for **that** , Dr. Eppes, you are out of your mind.”

Charlie shook his head, increasing Ian’s confusion.

“What then? What could you possibly think you need to apologize for?”

“For… not doing that sooner.”

If it was possible, Ian’s eyes bulged even wider. His mouth opened and he tried to speak, but the words wouldn’t come.

“You’re saddled with me and Isaac and we were starting a relationship but it’s not going anywhere and I know you want… you want more and you haven’t been getting it and that’s why you’ve been down here for six and a half hours shooting at things because you’re turned on and Isaac lives with us which makes things harder and I’m not doing anything to…”

Ian did the silencing this time, capturing those lips before any more guilt could tumble past them.

_Charlie thinks I’m angry with him… angry because we’re not having **sex** of all things… he thinks I’m angry because Isaac is living with us… because he and I are sharing a bed and he didn’t spread his legs the first night we settled into the new apartment… oh, Charlie…_

He murmured Charlie’s name against his lips, echoing the last of his thoughts. Opening his eyes, he watched Charlie’s lids flutter open and smiled. Charlie had stepped up onto his boots for better leverage in the assault of his kiss. It was adorable; Charlie was adorable.

He ran a soothing hand through Charlie’s hair. “That’s not why I’ve been down here, Charlie… not even close. We’re going to take our own pace when it comes to… more…” He smiled when Charlie’s cheeks flushed at the word and all it denoted. “And I wouldn’t trade one minute with Isaac for a thousand nights of passionate abandon.”

Charlie gnawed on his lip. Slowly, he looked up at Ian, the guilt slipping in the face of curiosity. “Then… why were you down here?”

Sighing deeply, Ian drew Charlie close and held him, relaxing as Charlie’s hands touched the hollows of his shoulders and he breathed in the scent of Charlie’s chalk-dusted hair. After a long moment, he turned Charlie towards the door. “I’ll tell you at home.”

Charlie followed obediently. “All right.”

After replacing his rifle in the armory and locking up for the night, Ian remembered something. Glancing down at Charlie as they entered the elevator, he asked, “Has it really been six and a half hours?”

Charlie’s quiet laugh echoed as the elevator doors closed.


	23. Protective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian tells Charlie what made him angry…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives – holiday ficathon…

Tuesday's actual fic series will be posted this afternoon/evening, unless I can find them sooner...they're around here somewhere...This should have been posted last night, but I was too tired to write it.

Title: Protective  
Pairing/Characters: Ian, Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 506  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Ian tells Charlie what made him angry…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, its not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives – holiday ficathon…

In the car, Charlie called Don and told Isaac a bedtime story over the phone. Ian listened, hearing for the first time how the professor translated his elder brother’s exploits into fairy-tales suitable for a four year old. Charlie spoke with Don briefly afterwards and then hung up, curling slightly into the passenger seat. He watched the scenery pass, silently and Ian drove to the apartment, equally silent.

They reheated leftovers and ate silently. Ian trying to determine how best to tell Charlie what had angered him. They washed the dishes.

Ian made tea and nudged the professor to the couch. He placed a mug of tea in Charlie’s hands and then sat on the couch, urging the professor to settle into his embrace.

“Charlie…I have to talk to you about Penfield…”

Ian felt his heart sink as the professor stiffened.

“He’s been ruled incompetent to stand trial…”

Charlie breathed a sigh of relief and Ian stopped.

“Charlie?”

“I’m sorry, Ian...I thought you were going to tell me something terrible…like he committed suicide or had been hurt at the detention center…”

“Charlie…do you not realize what this means? Penfield has been remanded to an institution and as soon as he determines what he needs to say and do to please the shrinks in the place he will be released.”

“Okay.” Charlie held the mug in both hands and raised it to his lips.

Ian could not process this reaction. “Charlie…he kidnapped and tortured you…”

Charlie turned to face Ian. “I know that. Every day what I remember of what happened improves in detail, but Ian…Marshall Penfield should not go to prison…he’d be…he’d be eaten alive…”

“Charlie…”

“Ian, Penfield is an academic, a rival of mine, has been since Princeton...I pushed him too far…”

Ian’s eyes widened. “Charlie…this was not your fault! Rivals push each other’s buttons, yeah, but this is not what rivals do…especially not rivals in your field. Rivals in your field try to find flaws in each other’s work, publish scathing reviews of what the other has written…they do not kidnap each other, they do not resort to physical torture…Charlie, do you know why he did this?” Ian’s eyes raked over Charlie’s face and he continued before the professor could open his mouth. “He wanted to turn you into a recluse, to make it so you trusted no one and make you so scared of the outside world that you would give up teaching, give up consulting and just lock yourself away and do math…”

Charlie shook his head.

Ian tightened his grip, pulling Charlie into his lap. Charlie rested his head on Ian’s chest. “Yes, Charlie…that is what he wanted, but I promise you, Charlie… if he is ever released, he will never come within five hundred feet of you. Never.”

Charlie remained silent, tucked tight against him. Ian scooped him up and carried him into the bedroom.

Charlie was still quantifying this, that had to be it, he would just hold him, keep him close and let him know he was safe.


	24. You Okay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don and Cooper talk about a few things on the ride in…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: You Okay?  
Pairing/Characters: Don, Cooper  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 286  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Don and Cooper talk about a few things on the ride in…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Don and Cooper spent Monday evening discussing Hanukkah with Isaac, acquiring clues as to what the four year old would like and passing some of that information to Alan.

But when morning came and they had safely ensconced Isaac in his car seat in the back of the SUV for the ride to the office, Don started to wonder about something rather important.

“Coop?”

“Yeah?”

“You aren’t Jewish.”

“No…is this the I want you to convert conversation?”

“No, no…we’re not that Jewish…I was just wondering if you’re okay with the Hanukkah thing.”

“Don, my family didn’t really celebrate anything, all this Hanukkah stuff sounds like it’ll be fun, so don’t worry.”

“So, no Christmas?”

“Well, sort’ve Christmas…but not really in a religious sense…hel…heck, since I’ve been on my own the holidays usually mean a carton of eggnog and a fifth of SoCo, for no reason other than I like the taste and maybe a call from my mother. S’about it.”

“Okay.” Don processed that a while.

“Hel…heck, Don…don’t analyze it…it’s just what it is. I’m perfectly content to celebrate Hanukkah with you and Charlie and everyone, but don’t worry about Christmas or anything about what my family did or didn’t do for the holidays. You and me can split a carton of eggnog.”

“Okay. That’s cool…so, you don’t want presents? You did refer to the entire naughty and nice thing…”

“Hel…heck Don, I was just teasing you…my mother used that to keep me in line during Thanksgiving for years…hel…heck, if she hadn’t I’d probably have a record longer than my cousins’…and as for presents…” He twisted the ring around his finger a few times. “I’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted. What do I need Christmas for?”


	25. Preparations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian’s mother upholds a holiday tradition…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon – More Edgerton family background…

Title: Preparations  
Pairing/Characters: Conference Wives OC  
Rating/Category: PG-13 (uh…tissue warning?)  
Word Count: 345  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Ian’s mother upholds a holiday tradition…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon – More Edgerton family background…

The tradition of putting candles in the window was an old one, but unlike the other Edgerton family holiday traditions that dated back to before the family first settled in Virginia in the 1700s, this one only started ten years ago.

When the Thanksgiving dishes were put away and the first of the garlands prepared and strewn around banisters and over doorways, Emily Edgerton placed the candles in every window, front and back, and set timers for sunset.

Candles in the window were a sign that strangers were welcome and for ten years her youngest son had been a stranger. He had remained silent against monogrammed envelopes and answering machine messages, an empty chair at the holiday table, a doorbell that never rang on Christmas Eve.

She set the last candle in the attic window, the one that over looked the firing range her wayward son had set up in his junior year of high school. She stared out the window, watching the shadow of her son, take aim and fire and hopes wherever he is today his aim is just as true.

She walked down the stairs and into the coldest rooms in the house. These rooms feel empty as she remakes the bed with fresh bleached sheets, plumps pillows on which her son has never rested his head. The maid offered to do it, the same offer made year after year, but she insists, she will make these rooms up herself.

She opens the windows and airs out his rooms, dusts the dresser and bedside table. She opens the drawer and rattles the box of ammunition forgotten there ten years ago when he barely spent the night for the last time.

The sound hasn’t changed.

He hasn’t appeared undetected and removed a single bullet.

She sits on the edge of the bed and holds the box. She wipes the tears away and puts it back as she hears the maid walk down the hall to drop off fresh towels.

Preparations had to be made.

One day these candles would light Ian’s way home.


	26. Unwanted Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you least expect it…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon –

Title: Unwanted Part 1  
Pairing/Characters: Charlie, Don, Larry  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 287  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: When you least expect it…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon –

Wednesday morning Charlie was a bundle of energy. Don wondered if he had gotten past the psychosomatic trigger associated with coffee and drank an entire pot.

Stranger still was Charlie’s desire to consult on anything. He offered to do Don’s tax returns, take inventory of all the rubber bands in the entire Federal building…by hand and a cost benefit analysis of changing light bulbs…Don handed Charlie files just to get him out of his hair.

But it wasn’t enough. Charlie would return with algorithms and solutions faster than Don thought possible…but the answers were there, solutions and needed assistance.

If anything, Charlie became worse when Larry appeared. Due to Charlie’s abundance of assistance, Megan was not going to be available for lunch and Larry took the time to check on Charles, he left the conference room three hours later with more mathematical assistance than Charles had given him since Charles had begun consulting for the FBI and Charles was asking for more.

Almost begging.

Larry was sitting in Don’s chair, fish-facing, when Don, Megan, Colby and David returned from chasing down leads Charlie’s math provided.

“Uh, Larry?” Don watched Larry watch Charlie.

“Has Charles been like this all day?”

“Yeah…he’s driving me nuts…but in a helpful sort of way.” Don followed Larry’s gaze and watched Charlie stalking around the conference room like a caged tiger, writing on the board for a brief moment and then turning away from the board with an expression of undisguised contempt.

“I think he is on the verge of a break through.”

Don focused on Larry again. “What? A break through in what?”

“Anything, everything…the strange thing is that Charles seems to know it and wants to avoid it at all costs.”


	27. Unwanted Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isaac watches his daddy…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon –

Title: Unwanted Part 2  
Pairing/Characters: Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 205  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Isaac watches his daddy…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon –

Isaac wished Merlin would come upstairs. But he didn’t have the fichus. The fichus was at the apartment, so Isaac could not make a wish on the fichus and make Merlin appear.

But, he still wished Merlin would come upstairs.

His daddy was upset. Very upset.

His daddy was using some of Agen Coop’s magic words, every time he walked over to the board.

His daddy would write on the board and then become angry with the board, with the numbers, and then he would use some of Agen Coop’s magic words.

Then daddy would go find Agen Don or Dr. Flying Heart and ask them for something and then he would return and be happy working on whatever they gave him.

When they didn’t have something for his daddy to work on, his daddy was not happy.

Agen Don and Dr. Flying Heart were watching daddy work. Maybe they would get Merlin and Merlin could make the numbers leave his daddy alone.

Isaac watched as his daddy stared at the board and softly said Agen Coop’s magic words.

Isaac understood, his daddy didn’t want to be a mathmagician right now, but the magic words weren’t working, his daddy couldn’t turn himself into something else.


	28. Unwanted Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don recognizes something familiar…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon –

Title: Unwanted Part 3  
Pairing/Characters: Don, Larry  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 141  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Don recognizes something familiar…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon –

Don stared at the equations appearing under his brother’s hand and groaned. “P vs NP.”

Larry looked up. “What? Really?”

Don turned to Larry. “I pride myself in knowing exactly what P vs. NP looks like and that is what he’s working on…but not like he usually does it…this isn’t the leave me alone, this is important, this is what’s in my head and I have no control, P vs. NP…what is this Larry?”

“This is the solution, Don. Your brother is solving P vs. NP.”

Don shook his head. “Charlie has said himself that it’s impossible, that there’s no solution.”

“I don’t think he would say that right now, Don.”

“Then why is he avoiding it? If he’s going to solve it…”

“I have never claimed to fully understand Charles and I would not try to understand him right now.”


	29. Unwanted Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie tries to prolong the inevitable…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon –

Title: Unwanted Part 4  
Pairing/Characters: Charlie, Don, Larry, Ian  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count:  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Charlie tries to prolong the inevitable…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon –

Don walked into the conference room and Charlie flung himself away from the board.

“Something? Don?”

The desperation in Charlie’s eyes almost scared him.

“Charlie? Are you okay, buddy?”

Charlie shook his head and then nodded. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine…what do you need?”

“Charlie…what is this?” Don touched the board, expecting Charlie to fly off the handle, demand that he leave it alone.

“Stuff, it’s not important…it will be there…Don, tell me what you need.”

“Charlie, this is P vs. NP.”

“It’s not important…it will be there. I can’t do this now, please, Don…anything, you have to have something, come on…”

“Charlie?”

“Please…Don, there’s no point in it…just tell me what you need.”

“It’s up in your head right now isn’t it? You’ve solved it.”

Now Charlie lashed out at him. “NO! It’s nothing, there is no point, it’s not important, Damn it Don! What the hell do you have for me?”

Don walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder. “I think you should write this down, Charlie…if you’ve solved it…”

Charlie sank to his knees. “I have.”

“Then write it down, Charlie…why won’t you write it down? Are you sure you haven’t just found another dead end, something that looks good until it’s on the board…”

Charlie laughed, it was a bitter sound. “No. I have it. I have it when it doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Charlie, buddy…talk to me…what’s going on?”

“Do you know P vs. NP, Don? You can recognize it at a glance, but do you know why I can’t leave it alone when you want me to?”

“Charlie…”

“You always told me I was being selfish when I worked on it, but you didn’t understand, Don…and now…I have it and it doesn’t mean anything, it doesn’t solve anything…it doesn’t have a purpose now…”

“Charlie…I’m going to call Ian…”

“No. Take Isaac…I’ll write it down.”

Don scooped Isaac up and left the room. He and Isaac stood outside the conference room watching Charlie write out one of the greatest mathematical discoveries, slowly, methodically, every line of his body filled with anguish, anger and something Don couldn’t grasp.

Charlie filled boards without stopping for an hour and Larry dutifully copied everything down and faxed the pages somewhere, Don wasn’t sure where you sent this sort of thing, but apparently Larry knew.

When Ian appeared in the bullpen, Isaac squirmed down and ran to him. Ian scooped him up and listened to Isaac babble about how his daddy didn’t want to be a mathmagician right now. Ian walked over to where Larry was talking excitedly on the phone, repeating Charlie’s name several times to whoever he was talking to and Don watched as his brother set the chalk down on the tray and sat down on the table.

“What’s going on? Isaac says Charlie doesn’t want to do math.”


	30. Unwanted Part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you least expect it…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon –

Title: Unwanted Part 5  
Pairing/Characters: Don, Ian  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count:  
Spoilers: All bits where Charlie worked on P vs. NP  
Summary: When you least expect it…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon –

 

“Charlie didn’t want to solve P vs. NP, but he just did. It doesn’t make sense, Charlie spent months on this, years…claimed there was no solution, swore he’d never work on it again…and he knew the answer this morning…he’s done everything to avoid it…I just don’t get it…”

“When was the last time he worked on it?”

“After I got shot…Charlie just shut down, went P vs. NP and refused to help, he snapped out of it, but…God I was angry with him…”

“And before that?”

“He spent the last months of our mother’s life on it.”

“And now he’s solved it.”

“Yeah…and he’s acting weird, swearing it doesn’t have a purpose, doesn’t matter…”

“Because no one he loves is in danger.”

Don looked at the sniper. “What?”

“He’s thrown himself into the impossible when your mother was dying and again when the reality of how dangerous your job is hit him. There was nothing he could do, either time, your mother was going to die, he couldn’t prevent you being shot, he couldn’t help you in any way that would keep you out of danger.”

“So he went after something else impossible.” Don stared at Charlie’s bowed head with dawning realization. “He tried to do the impossible because he thought if he could do that, he could find a way to make his math…”

“Save the world.” Isaac sighed, resting his head against Ian’s shoulder.


	31. Comfort by the Slice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie flips out after solving P vs. NP, Ian wants to make him feel better…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives Epic - Holiday Ficathon

Title: Comfort by the Slice  
Pairing/Characters: Ian, Charlie  
Rating/Category: G  
Word Count: 155  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Charlie flips out after solving P vs. NP, Ian wants to make him feel better…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives Epic - Holiday Ficathon

Ian learned two important lessons from his grandfather.

Lesson One: In times of great turmoil, bake.

Lesson Two: In times of great turmoil when baking doesn’t help, shoot something.

Ian glanced back into the living room where Charlie and Isaac napped on the couch.

Charlie solved P vs. NP, then Charlie almost decked Dr. Fleinhart.

Dr. Fleinhart had wanted to celebrate, Charlie had yelled at him, told him that he didn’t care that he solved it, he hadn’t wanted to solve it and if Dr. Fleinhart wanted to do something with it, go ahead, publish it and give credit to Marshall Penfield for all he cared.

Ian had scooped up Isaac and brought them home.

The professor had been silent the entire drive and upon their arrival, he and Isaac curled up with Isaac’s bear on the couch.

That was good. It gave Ian time.

He pressed the crust into the pan and squeezed lemons.


	32. Lingering over Dessert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian, Charlie, pie, wine and massage oil…what else do you want people?!?!?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives.

Title: Lingering over Dessert  
Pairing/Characters: Charlie/Ian  
Rating/Category: NC-17  
Word Count: 3,674  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Ian, Charlie, pie, wine and massage oil…what else do you want people?!?!?!  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, its not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives.

 

Dinner was spaghetti. Isaac woke long before Charlie, and Ian settled him onto a chair with a wooden spoon and instructions on how to stir the sauce. He smiled as he peeked briefly into the living area to see Charlie tucked in on the couch with 3.14159. Isaac had apparently decided that his bear would help Charlie control the numbers.

Charlie was fast asleep. Ian was glad of that much; the professor barely slept through the night, even in Ian’s arms. He intended to make sure that problem was corrected as quickly as possible. The sooner Charlie resumed a normal routine with a healthy night’s sleep, the sooner he would get a handle on his post-traumatic stress. Penfield’s goal was to destroy Charlie, one way or another. Ian intended to give Charlie every weapon he would need to strike back, defend himself…

Penfield wouldn’t win. He wouldn’t allow it.

***

Dinner was nearly finished when Charlie woke up. Isaac sat his father down with an almost bossy tone and carried dishes to his father to place on the table. Ian tried not to snicker, feeling that familiar soft tug in his chest; he felt this way whenever he saw Isaac, really. He was madly in love with Charlie, but it was only slightly more fervent than how he felt about Isaac.

_If Charlie and I stay together… if we can make this work and I can keep him safe… I don’t think I’ve ever actually thought about wanting children before… but…_

Charlie was quiet through dinner, smiling bashfully when Ian attended to him. Isaac chattered to his father throughout the meal, distracting Charlie from whatever demons of P vs. NP still lingered. Ian was glad for it. He didn’t want Charlie thinking about anything tonight but relaxing, but he needed to wait until Isaac went to bed to implement his plan.

Tonight, he would prove to Charlie that he wasn’t holding back because Isaac was living with them.

***

They tucked Isaac in together. Ian felt that soft tug grow a bit stronger as he kissed Isaac on the forehead and wished him sweet dreams. Charlie smiled as he did so: a tender, grateful smile. Ian could barely breathe when Charlie smiled like that…

Isaac kissed his cheek, yawned, and settled in for his story. Ian touched Charlie’s shoulder as he stepped from the room, letting father and son share this ritual alone. Soon enough, Isaac would neither need nor want stories at bedtime. Soon enough, he would be old enough to know that the FBI had little to do with fairy tales. He would let them have this ritual now, while they could. There was time enough later to create his own rituals with Isaac.

If his relationship with Charlie lasted that long.

Ian wasn’t stupid. Relationships that had lasted for decades could dissolve overnight. He could end up taking a bullet rather than firing one. Charlie could be hit by a bus, which would leave Isaac in Don or Alan’s care.

More than likely it would be Alan. And Alan would never allow Ian within a hundred yards of Isaac if he had the only say. He would destroy Isaac’s spotter’s scope and likely take out a restraining order against Ian. He didn’t want a killer anywhere near his grandson.

The angry tears that threatened at such thoughts surprised him. Almost violently, he shook off the dark images and struck a match, lighting the candle under the oil diffuser. He’d picked it up on a whim, hoping it would help relax Charlie along with the other items he’d acquired. He hoped what he had planned for tonight would work.

It would make that **very** uncomfortable trip to the bath and body store worth the effort.

Charlie called his name when he emerged from Isaac’s room. Ian smiled at the slightly confused note in the professor’s voice; he was expecting Ian to be in the living area, like he always was: reading the newspaper or going over FBI paperwork. He emerged from the bedroom, that smile still on his face, leaning against the doorway with one arm. “I’m right here, Charlie.”

***

For half a heartbeat, Charlie honestly thought Ian was standing there naked.

He might as well have been. That honey-hued, well-muscled chest wasn’t covered by a single scrap of cloth; Charlie’s eyes darted to the tattoo on his arm; something heraldric, if he remembered from the shower before Isaac’s party. Charlie reminded himself absently to ask Ian what it was. But all he could really concentrate on were the planes of solid, warm flesh bared before him, and the way his hands itched to reach up and touch them again.

Ian was wearing sweat pants. Gun-metal gray sweats. No socks. No slippers. He stood there bare-chested and barefoot, hair slightly tousled and smiling and sexy as Hell. He was smiling like he knew it, knew how he looked and what Charlie was thinking, even though the odds of anyone knowing what Charlie was thinking had always been astronomical.

“I… I didn’t know where you were.” Charlie heard himself stammer, saw the way that smile curved just a little wider. Ian knew the effect he had on Charlie and Charlie couldn’t control it.

“I didn’t go far,” Ian replied, shifting his weight away from the door frame and walking over to Charlie. His arms slid around Charlie’s waist and Charlie’s hands almost immediately reached for the hollows of his shoulders. “Isaac asleep?”

Charlie nodded.

“Good.”

Without warning, Ian scooped Charlie off his feet. Charlie let out a squeak of surprise as Ian carried him into the bedroom, nudging the door all but closed with his foot. He wanted to hear it if Isaac woke, but he didn’t want Isaac immediately seeing anything that he was doing to Charlie if the toddler somehow managed to exit his room without Ian’s knowledge.

Setting Charlie on the bed, he knelt on the floor and removed Charlie’s shoes and socks. Charlie hadn’t even bothered to get comfortable when he came home; he’d been too preoccupied with other things. Ian tossed the socks into the open hamper, placed the shoes in the closet. He urged Charlie to his feet and removed the jacket Charlie had been wearing over his Pi shirt.

Ian hadn’t realized that was the shirt Charlie had chosen this morning; had possibly consciously ignored it. Pi would never again be an indifferent mathematical concept to Ian; it would always be a reminder of what Penfield had done, what Penfield had tried to destroy.

It would be a reminder of how much he had to protect Charlie from.

The jacket went into the hamper too; Ian would sort out anything that needed to be removed later. Right now, he had other concerns. His hands returned to Charlie’s waist, and he held Charlie’s gaze. He could see the trust for Ian mingled with the fear of his shirt being removed, the guilt and shame mingled with the faintest glimmer of something he hoped was desire.

“If you don’t want me to, I won’t.”

Charlie’s teeth caught his lower lip. Ian could see Charlie calculating, the numbers ever-present. “No… I’m… it’s… it’s okay.”

His fingers took hold of the hem of the shirt. Slowly, allowing Charlie plenty of time to rescind his permission, he eased it over Charlie’s head. He knew it found the hamper without seeing it go in, his eyes on Charlie’s face. He saw the guilt, the fear, the shame… he ached to wash it all away.

“Charlie…” Ian’s hands brushed over Charlie’s shoulders, careful not to brush the remains of the burns. They were fading nicely under his care; the cuts from the handcuffs had healed over well and were also fading. In another week, the stitches in Charlie’s back could be removed and Ian would turn all his attentions to making that Pi scar disappear just as completely.

Those hands brushed down Charlie’s arms; feather-light touches that sent shivers down Charlie’s spine. Ian bent and teased an equally soft kiss over Charlie’s lips, taking Charlie’s hands into his own. “It’s all right, Charlie… you don’t have to hide anything from me. I’m not going anywhere unless you want me to.”

Charlie’s grip on his hands tightened, his lips pressing more firmly into the kiss. After a long moment, Ian released Charlie’s hands, still teasing his lips, and traced the waistband of Charlie’s jeans. His fingers lingered for a moment at the closure. “May I?”

The question earned him a deeper kiss, Charlie’s arms curling around his chest. “Yes.”

No hesitation. No shying from his touch as Ian unzipped the jeans and pushed them off Charlie’s hips. Charlie even stepped free of his own volition, kicking them away from his feet as he rested his forehead against the hollow of Ian’s right shoulder. Ian chuckled softly, causing him to look up. “What?”

“Just thinking.”

Those brown eyes blinked up at him. “About?”

“It’s just… rather ironic. I know why; I understand the reasons… but the average person is usually much more hesitant to let someone remove their pants than their shirt.” Ian’s lips twisted in a wry smile just before he kissed those blinking, bashful eyes. “Don’t read too much into it, Charlie.”

Charlie nodded, trusting. _If Ian says not to worry about it… I won’t worry._ He leaned in, brushing a kiss over the hollow.

Ian’s eyes closed, and he moaned softly. He scooped Charlie up, again without warning, and settled Charlie back against the pillows piled on the bed. He kissed those soft lips and brushed a hand through those irrepressible curls. “I’ll be right back… just settle in.”

When Charlie nodded again, mutely submissive to Ian’s requests. Ian stepped out of the room, drawing deep breaths as he went into the kitchen and retrieved the tray he’d prepared before Charlie woke up. He removed the bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and the glass that had been chilling in the refrigerator and poured Charlie a generous glass before returning to the bedroom.

The only thing Charlie saw on that tray as Ian walked in was the familiar head of meringue on the pie, sliced and arranged on the plate. A despairing groan escaped his lips. “Oh… who told you?”

Ian smirked, mischief lining his features. “Your brother.”

“I apparently need to have a word with Don,” Charlie grumbled, though he offered no resistance to the tray being placed across his lap. “Either that or I need to sabotage him with Cooper.”

“It’s not his fault, Charlie. I made a lemon meringue pie while I was baking for Isaac’s party, and since you could barely have had a piece of cake, Don got rid of it. He told me about your… preference… for lemon meringue when I asked where it went. He didn’t think it would be fair if you saw other people eating it and couldn’t have any; I had to agree. I never would have brought it if I’d known beforehand.”

As he spoke, Ian had retrieved something from the drawer of the night table and settled onto the bed near Charlie’s feet. Crossing his legs and facing Charlie, he flipped the top on the bottle in his hand and allowed some of the liquid inside to drizzle into his palm.

Charlie, distracted by his battle against temptation, didn’t notice. “Why would you make a lemon meringue pie for Isaac’s birthday to begin with?”

“I didn’t intend to… I just decided that after the fourth egg mishap, I’d better use it to make meringue rather than waste the eggs.” He smiled ruefully. “Apparently, it would have been better if I’d just thrown them out with the others.”

“No…” Charlie flexed his hands, his willpower slipping. It was only one pie… Ian wouldn’t let him go anywhere and get more… and it had been a long time… “It was a nice thought, at least.”

Ian watched with no little amusement as the fork was snatched up by those nimble fingers and the first bite of pie disappeared past those lips. “Any good?”

Charlie’s eyes were closed. His head was tilted back into the pillows, his tongue obviously savoring the first bite. A brief murmur in Charlie’s throat was his only reply.

That brief murmur elongated into a deep moan as Ian began massaging the bergamot oil into Charlie’s left foot.

Ian smiled, his fingers working deep, slow circles in Charlie’s arch… his instep… the ball of his foot and the soft flesh under his toes. Charlie stretched his legs and flexed his ankles under the attention, almost unable to concentrate on the pie before him. As Ian’s fingers worked their way up the Achilles tendon and began to work the ankle, he glanced up. “Enjoying your pie, professor?”

“Yes…” Charlie took a deep breath before his next bite, sighing in contentment. “Is it your intention to spoil me rotten?”

“I’ll do worse than this when those stitches come out,” Ian replied, his voice low and teasing. “When your doctor takes those out next week, I can draw you a bath to go with your pie and white wine.”

Noticing the wine glass for the first time, Charlie quirked an eyebrow. “I’ve never seen a wine pairing for lemon meringue before.”

“It did take a bit of research… if it’s not a good match, I’ll do more digging tomorrow.” Applying more oil to his hands, Ian continued his massage up Charlie’s calf and shin.

A low moan rolled through the first sip of wine. “Very nice,” he murmured… whether he was referring to the massage or the wine was unclear.

Ian decided that he meant both. “I’m glad.”

It took Charlie nearly an hour to work his way through the entire pie. Ian’s foot and leg massage and the entire tone of the evening made him quiescent, willing to savor the texture and flavor at much more length than would be his wont. There were no distractions of family or math or responsibilities… no fears of being reprimanded or suggestions that he shouldn’t eat an entire pie by himself. Ian had made it for his enjoyment, with no intentions that he should reserve any to share with anyone, and Charlie could tell that nothing in this pie had been pre-made.

And Ian was massaging him, pampering him… the attendance warmed Charlie more than the gentle rush of alcohol in his veins, and distracted him from the harsh reality that had been his world for the last several weeks.

Ian removed the tray after Charlie finished the pie and was lingering over his wine. Leaning in for a soft kiss, he smiled against Charlie’s lips. “You taste good.”

Charlie quirked an eyebrow, imitating Ian’s classic gesture. “Should I invest in lemon-flavored lip balm, then?”

The sniper’s lips quirked. “No…” Those lips whispered over Charlie’s jaw line, causing Charlie’s breath to hitch in his throat. “You taste good with or without lemon meringue, Dr. Eppes.” He chuckled at the way Charlie swallowed hard and poured a bit more oil on his hands, moving his massage up Charlie’s thighs.

Those hands were gentle, expert; it registered briefly on Charlie that Ian must have honed this skill with other lovers. The fact that there was no jealousy accompanying the realization surprised Charlie. He remembered how he’d felt foolish and jealous when he’d learned Susan was engaged, just when they’d been presented an opportunity to reconnect. He remembered the hot flash of possessive rage that had swept his veins when Penfield expressed an interest in Amita; the way his blood had pounded in his head when she’d informed him they were going out together.

He hadn’t been jealous of Alexis’ claim on Eva. He wasn’t jealous of Ian’s past liaisons, felt nothing but a mild curiosity about them; information about his romantic history was simply more data to be collated, more variables to quantify.

Ian’s hands massaged his hips through the soft cotton of his boxers and Charlie was distracted from his thoughts.

The empty glass had been set aside. Ian’s knees straddled his legs and Ian’s hands were working their way up his sides. The residue of the oil he’d been using had been dried by the boxers, and Ian drizzled a bit more down the centerline of Charlie’s chest before continuing. Charlie couldn’t see the smile on Ian’s face; didn’t know how Ian’s eyes lit up at the soft sounds of contentment Charlie was making. Charlie’s eyes were closed and his head lolled to the side, submitting to Ian’s attentions with no reservation.

It didn’t matter why Ian wanted to do this or where he’d learned such finesse. All that mattered was that Ian was willing to bestow such expertise upon him, despite everything that had happened.

Those hands worked around the fading burns on his shoulders, down each arm, into the cup of his palms and between the base knuckles of his fingers. Charlie rolled his hips and arched his back, contented as a kitten with a warm blanket, willing to let Ian do whatever he wanted.

Submission like this was something to be rewarded, in Ian’s estimation.

He slipped his hands under Charlie’s shoulders, working the muscles of his upper back and neck without having to roll Charlie over. Charlie hummed happily and shifted up into Ian, granting him more access.

Ian shifted his weight down against the length of Charlie’s body and kissed him.

There was no start of surprise, no reservation. Charlie’s lips met his eagerly, his hands sliding up Ian’s sides and around his back. Ian’s hips shifted and settled against Charlie’s and Charlie let his legs drift apart; the movement came so naturally that Ian moaned a soft approval into Charlie’s mouth. Charlie hummed a response, his fingers tracing the flex of the muscles beneath the skin of Ian’s back.

Talking was irrelevant, superfluous. Ian’s hands abandoned their massage and began a subtle exploration instead. He had time here; no one was here to interrupt them save Isaac, and Ian would hear the toddler long before he could walk into this room. He had time and he had Charlie, willing and wanton and present in both mind and body.

The soft, pale, smooth skin of that body was enough to make Ian tremble. He checked himself, remembering that Charlie was untried and unsure and still recovering from a traumatic ordeal… remembering that he didn’t know if something in their passion play would prove to be a trigger. He needed to take things slowly… to test boundaries…

Charlie was worth the wait.

The way Charlie’s fingers dug into the skin of his back when he rocked his hips against Charlie’s made him seriously consider abandoning that plan.  
Ian left a tiny mark on the hollow at the base of Charlie’s collarbone; barely large enough to be noticeable, able to be shrugged off as a scratch. It was a mark of approval, of encouragement, of possession.

Charlie Eppes was his to claim, in his own time and in a manner of his own choosing. Penfield could rot in Hell.

The rush of that thought in his veins nearly obliterated Ian’s self control. He left a trail of searing, open kisses over Charlie’s chest, noting the faint rise of suck marks in his wake. Charlie would smile at the memory of their cause, would feel his pulse quicken at the promise of finding similar marks elsewhere, would encourage Ian to leave afresh when they finally faded.

Ian’s fingers feathered up the underside of Charlie’s calves, past the knee, finding the sensitive nerve cluster under the thigh as he left a ring of marks around Charlie’s navel. Charlie panted his name and squirmed under his touch.

The button on Charlie’s boxers slipped from its hole easily; already strained by Charlie’s erection, it required only a slight manipulation by Ian’s tongue. Charlie let out a little whimpering sigh as Ian pressed the fabric out of his way, nearly coming completely off the bed when Ian’s tongue flicked against the tip.

A predatory smile curled Ian’s lips before he settled in.

Charlie’s eyes rolled up into his head, a cry breaking past his lips before he could stifle it. Ian’s tongue was brushing, teasing, stroking over the throb of his pulse and the weeping tip, tracing around the base and along the delicate veins. The heat of his mouth tantalized, but never enveloped, leaving Charlie desperate, aching, pleading wordlessly for more…

Ian’s lips wrapped around the hood and sucked hard. His hands gripped Charlie’s thighs as Charlie’s hips left the bed and he came in Ian’s mouth, a hoarse cry of Ian’s name echoing between them as Ian milked him dry.

His fingers brushed over the corded muscles in Charlie’s thighs as Charlie slowly relaxed. As his breathing returned to normal, Ian moved up to curl him close, brushing kisses over that flushed, beautiful face. Charlie curled into him instinctively, his arms snaking around Ian’s torso and his head burrowing into the hollow of Ian’s shoulder.

For several long minutes, Ian didn’t register that Charlie had said anything. Only when both their heartbeats slowed and Charlie repeated himself did Ian make out the apology being murmured into his chest.

“What?” Ian tipped Charlie’s face up, blinking in confusion. “Charlie, what on earth are you apologizing for?”

Charlie’s flush deepened, his eyes shuttering in faint embarrassment. “If that’s anything like what you’re used to, what I did must’ve been really disappointing. So…”

“No, Charlie.” Ian kissed him, quick and almost chiding. “No. Do not even go there. What you did on the range… that was probably the most erotic thing anyone’s ever done to me. As far as your… finesse… that just takes a little practice.” Ian smiled, brushing another kiss over Charlie’s lips. “Any time you want to work on it, you just let me know.”

Charlie blushed and burrowed, but he couldn’t hide the smile on his lips. Ian didn’t mind… it was something he worried about, a little… it was good to know. “Okay.”


	33. Getting Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie realizes what day it is….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Getting Help  
Pairing/Characters: Charlie, Cooper  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 373  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Charlie realizes what day it is….  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Charlie glanced at the date on his cell phone when he checked the time Thursday morning and panicked. Friday was the first of December, it was the Shabbat and he had nothing in his possession to start Sniper Appreciation Month. He had made calls and placed orders, all while at the FBI offices, but he had intended for someone to pick things up, before now.

Ian had let him sleep in, he had woken slightly when the sniper had called in to the FBI office to inform someone he wouldn’t be coming in and then Ian had left the bed, kissing his forehead and telling him he’d take care of breakfast and Isaac.

He needed help, he needed help fast.

He picked up his cell phone and called the newest inputted number.

“Cooper.”

“Cooper…I need help.”

“Charlie? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah…just, I wanted to do something nice for Ian for Christmas and I found out about this Advent thing when I was doing some research and tomorrow is the start of Advent and I can’t get anything for Ian because…”

“Because you are under the careful supervision of the person you are attempting to acquire gifts for.”

“Yeah…I made some calls, everything is paid for, I just need someone to pick everything up and…”

“Okay, Charlie, quickly tell me where I am going, before the warden realizes you’re on the phone.”

Charlie listed off three gourmet food stores, two gun shops.

“Wait, what was that last one?”

“It’s a gun shop on E. Valley Blvd…it’s in San Gabriel…they special ordered some things for me.”

“Right…okay, Charlie, do I just say I am picking things up for you or what?”

“I told them I would send someone to pick things up…no actual weapons, Cooper, just some supplies.”

“And the name they are holding stuff under?”

“Dr. Eppes.”

“Right, trying to sound all grown up and impressive…”

“Cooper…”

“Don’t worry about it Charlie, I’ll pick everything up and then Don and I will drop in with Chinese tonight, I will surreptitiously pass the stuff to you and you can do whatever it is you’re doing.”

“Thanks, Cooper.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Charlie hung up the phone and relaxed back against the pillows, crisis averted.


	34. Some People are not Hard to Shop for

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cooper picks up Charlie’s gifts for Ian…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Some People are not Hard to Shop for  
Pairing/Characters: Cooper  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 423  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Cooper picks up Charlie’s gifts for Ian…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Cooper found picking up the sniper’s gifts an enjoyable experience, primarily because it disproved Don’s assumption that the sniper was hard to shop for.

Gourmet food stores had meant Nielsen-Massey extracts, Scharffenberger baking chocolate and a variety of other top-quality baking supplies.

The first gun shop had yielded ammunition, a quick check-in with the armory informed Cooper that Charlie had asked about ammunition for Ian’s weaponry there, supposedly as part of the data needed for his analysis.

Sneaky, sneaky.

Cooper wondered why he had to go to the other one for something special order. He picked up a few things at this place himself, they were well stocked.

He entered the second gun shop and looked around. It was more of a gunsmith’s than a gun shop, a father and son place, a few high quality pieces for sale, top brands, but specializing in repairs. A notice said they appraised and repaired antique guns.

“Can I help you?” A young man stepped out of a back workroom, open to the rest of the store, Cooper could see an older man carefully plying his craft.

“Yeah, I’m here to pick something up for a Dr. Charles Eppes.”

“Oh, yeah, we were wondering. That stuff is kind’ve expensive to just have lying around, especially when it’s already bought and paid for.”

Cooper shrugged. “He’s been a bit busy, just remembered to ask me to pick it up this morning.”

“No problem…Dr. Eppes really knows his stuff…he military?”

Cooper choked slightly. “No, not at all…doesn’t own a fire arm, he was buying gifts.”

“Wow…someone’s lucky.” The young man smiled and passed two large paper bags across the counter with Dr. Eppes written in black marker on the side. “How do I get on his gift list?”

“Join the FBI.” Cooper smiled as he said it. The young man laughed, the older one too, giving Cooper a mock salute from the workroom.

In the car Cooper opened the bags to look inside. Charlie had apparently done some research and spared no expense in finding the best, there were two gun maintenance kits, both from Otis technologies…one that Cooper was certain had to be for the 25th… it would maintain every firearm in the armory and then some and the other a field kit, specific to Ian’s rifle and an optic maintenance kit as well.

Cooper whistled. He knew the sniper would know this stuff and its cost. He wondered if he should clue the sniper in that he should find something really nice for Charlie for Hanukkah.


	35. Sometimes you Need Visuals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian’s brother tells his mother they haven’t been able to contact Ian…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Sometimes you Need Visuals  
Pairing/Characters: Conference Wives OCs  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count:  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Ian’s brother tells his mother they haven’t been able to contact Ian…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Richard Edgerton stood outside his mother’s study, mentally composing himself to tell his mother bad news. At this moment he felt worse than when he had told her about Ian’s foray into the war in Afghanistan. It had to be nothing, there had been no calls from the FBI or the military or a lawyer…Ian was simply…MIA.

He took a deep breath and walked in.

Emily Edgerton looked up. “Richard! How wonderful of you to stop in…tell me, darling, for this year’s Christmas card, do you like the red enveloped with the family crest embossed on the flap or the cream with the crest printed in the traditional scarlet?”

He looked at the envelopes a long moment and shook his head. “They’re both fine, mother…I just have to talk to you about something…”

She set the envelopes down and looked at him a long moment. “Don’t tell me you and Julie are getting a divorce…the children, Richard…”

“No, no!!! Absolutely not! Mother…Julie and I are still as happily married as we were twelve years ago…no, mother…sit down…this is about Ian.”

He watched the color drain from her face and mentally kicked himself. He hurried to her side as she sunk into her desk chair.

“Is he alright? Has something happened?”

“Mother…We haven’t heard from him, his phone was turned off the day after Thanksgiving and I have received no message from him with a new number, a new address, nothing…”

“I’m going.”

“What? Mother?”

“I’m going to LA, that’s where he was, correct?”

“Mother, I don’t know if he’s still in LA…he could be anywhere in the world…”

“Richard…get me a plane ticket and a hotel reservation, I am going to LA, tonight. I am going to talk to people who have seen my son in the last month…even if I don’t see Ian, I can at least speak to people who have seen him.”

Richard nodded. “Do you want me to go with you?”

“Richard, you have your practice, I will be fine on my own. I will go to LA, talk to the landlord of his apartment complex, go to the FBI office and someone will have to tell me that he is okay.”

Richard nodded. “I will make you arrangements, mother.”


	36. Snipe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian receives the call to snipe someone…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Snipe  
Pairing/Characters: Ian, Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 403  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Ian receives the call to snipe someone…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

The call came early in the morning.

He would be needed out in the field, a suitable agent would stay with Dr. Eppes and his son.

Ian was equal parts annoyed with and grateful for the call – he took the opportunity and slipped out of bed, making Challah as he prepared for the day, mentally composed what he would say to Charlie.

The suitable agent appeared promptly at 6am, a young man, equal parts in awe and scared of Agent Ian Edgerton. Ian used this to his advantage, informing the young agent that if he let Dr. Eppes out of his sight for one minute, he would know and there would be pieces of the agent never found.

He woke Charlie, despite wanting to let him sleep.

Charlie blinked up at him and Ian felt for one incongruent minute that he should retire and open a bakery, he and Charlie and Isaac could live above it and he could open when he felt like it, giving him ample opportunities to sleep in with Charlie.

“Ian?”

He shook himself from the fantasy. “Charlie, I need to be in the field today – I should be back in time for the Shabbat…do you have everything?”

Charlie nodded. “Cooper and Don brought everything over with the Chinese.”

Ian nodded. Cooper had given Charlie several brown paper bags and the two had spoken several times during the day. Ian was almost certain Charlie was helping Cooper plan something for Don for Hanukkah, Don seemed to be of similar mind, as he had sent repeated suspicious glances at Cooper and Charlie most of the evening.

Charlie looked pale a moment. “Ian…we went to bed late…”

He smiled and brushed Charlie’s hair out of his face. “I made the Challah this morning, nothing to worry about. There’s an Agent Franklin here to look after you and Isaac.”

Charlie groaned. “I guess that means I should get up.”

Ian chuckled. “You can sleep, he’s just here to keep your math groupies at bay.”

Charlie sank back into the pillows. “My math groupies have no idea where I am right now and besides, I can’t sleep when you’re not here.” He slid out of bed and gave Ian a kiss to the cheek, before resting his hand on the hollow of Ian’s shoulder. “Get a good line of sight, but find adequate cover, okay?”

Ian nodded, brushing Charlie’s hair from his face.


	37. Following Directions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie decides the first day of Sniper Appreciation Month needs more than a gift…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Following Directions  
Pairing/Characters: Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 273  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Charlie decides the first day of Sniper Appreciation Month needs more than a gift…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Charlie sighed as he dressed.

Cooper had promised to place the first wrapped gift on Ian’s desk sometime today, a phone call confirmed that Cooper was aware that Ian would be out sniping and Cooper had assured Charlie that he would still get his gift because there was always paperwork.

So, with the exception of the presence of one Agent Franklin, Charlie had the entire day to fix everything for dinner. It was nice that the first day of Sniper Appreciation Month had fallen on a Friday…it was also nice that Don and Cooper had decided it would be best if they picked up prepared foods that just required Charlie to follow directions and set a timer.

He greeted Agent Franklin in the living room and helped Isaac get ready for the day. He made oatmeal with syrup for Isaac and a cup of tea for himself. He checked the packages for temperature and time, the entire meal would take a little more than an hour to prepare. He wondered if Isaac would eat it, since everything was pretty much assembled.

A stained notebook on the counter caught his eye and Charlie smiled. There was something he and Isaac could do this afternoon that would keep both of them busy.

He flipped open Ian’s book of cake recipes and located the one for the chocolate cake Ian had shown him how to make.

“Isaac…you want to help me make a cake for Ian?”

“Merlin?”

“Yep, a cake for Merlin.”

“Merlin snipe go bang?”

Charlie nodded. “Yes, but he’ll be home in time for dinner.”

Isaac nodded. “Cake for Merlin, happy snipe go bang.”


	38. Best Laid Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie gets a surprise and so does someone else…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Best Laid Plans  
Pairing/Characters: Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 249  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Charlie gets a surprise and so does someone else…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Emily Edgerton was relieved after she spoke to Ian’s landlord. Ian had simply moved to a larger apartment over the holiday weekend.

The man had assured her that he had even seen Ian over the last few days moving the last of his belonging from one apartment to the other. He had given her the new apartment number and she had taken the elevator upstairs, intent on sliding a note requesting that Ian call when he returned and her hotel contact information when she heard sounds within the apartment.

It was possible that Ian had a day off.

She knocked.

Inside the apartment Charlie froze, Agent Franklin had his gun in hand as he urged Dr. Eppes and Isaac to stay in the kitchen and out of the line of sight of the door.

Charlie measured out the last of the ingredients and gave Isaac the measuring spoons telling him to add this to the batter. He greased the pans with butter, the way Ian had shown him and listened intently for conversation at the door.

Agent Franklin looked out the peephole and blinked a few times at the woman in a well tailored business suit and pearls. He wondered if she was possibly a neighbor needing to borrow something, she did not appear threatening. He unbolted the door and opened it a crack.

Charlie was pouring the batter into the pans as he heard Agent Franklin greet someone and a woman’s authoritative voice respond.

“I am Mrs. Edgerton.”


	39. Best Laid Plans, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie gets a surprise and so does someone else…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Best Laid Plans, Part 2  
Pairing/Characters: Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 179  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Charlie gets a surprise and so does someone else…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Charlie almost dropped the pans rather than put them in the open oven.

Shakily he put the pans in the oven and closed the door. Isaac looked up at him in confusion and he tried to smile. He leaned against the wall near the opening to the living room in time to hear.

“I am looking for my son, Ian.”

Charlie sighed in relief and smiled a little better at Isaac, who still looked at him with concern. He drew a breath and stepped out of the kitchen.

“Agent Franklin, I do not think it would be appropriate to leave Agent Edgerton’s mother in the hall.”

Agent Franklin looked from the woman to the mathematician and back again, before stepping out of the way and letting Mrs. Edgerton in the apartment. This disproved the current theory that Agent Edgerton was hatched from a shell casing.

Charlie walked across the living room and extended a hand. “A pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Edgerton, may I get you a cup of tea?”

“That would be lovely…I’m sorry…you are?”

“Dr. Charles Eppes.”


	40. Receiving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian gets a surprise…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Receiving  
Pairing/Characters: Ian, Don, Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 382  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Ian gets a surprise…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Ian returned to his desk in the late afternoon, muttering to himself about how much paperwork was generated when he had to snipe someone. Really, this should be simplified somehow, a single question on a piece of paper:

Was the man/woman sniped:  
a. holding a hostage  
b. threatening agents or civilians  
c. just plain evil  
d. all of the above  
e. other _____________________

He stopped at his desk and looked at the wrapped package that sat on the desk uncertainly. He picked up a pen and nudged it. It did not explode.

He picked up the package and turned it over in his hands. It was wrapped in paper covered in numbers and equations, a familiar scratchy scrawl.

Charlie

Ian blinked. Charlie had left him a present. Why? Because he sniped someone? Because it was Friday? He looked at the calendar and breathed a sigh of relief, it was not the first night of Hanukkah, he still had time.

Maybe it wasn’t Charlie. Maybe it was someone who wanted him to think it was from Charlie.

Don looked over at the sniper. “Will you just open it? It’s from Charlie he had Cooper drop it off.”

Ian opened the package.

Vanilla extract

Charlie had given him vanilla extract? Well, it was premium quality vanilla extract, but still…Ian wondered what Charlie was up to and filled out paperwork.

He signed the last line and called Charlie.

Charlie excused himself from his conversation with Ian’s mother and took the call in the kitchen.

“Hello?"

“Thank you for the vanilla extract.”

Charlie smiled. “Glad you liked it…Ian…”

“I’ll be home soon, I just finished up here.”

“Ian…your mother is here…”

Ian froze. “What?”

“Your mother is here…did you know she was coming?”

He swallowed. “No…no I didn’t…”

“Ian…are you okay?”

“Yes…yes I am, just surprised…I’ll be there soon…”

Charlie glanced out into the living room where Isaac spoke animatedly with Ian’s mother. “Do you want me to…um…tell her to leave?”

“No! No, Charlie…it’s okay, it’s fine…I just didn’t know she was coming, that’s all.”

“Okay…I’ll see you soon.”

Ian hung up the phone and leaned back in his chair. His mother was in his apartment with Charlie…with Charlie and Isaac.

He left the FBI offices fast enough to increase the Snipe God mythology tenfold.


	41. Lilies and Roses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian thinks about his mother…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Lilies and Roses  
Pairing/Characters: Ian  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 168  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Ian thinks about his mother…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Ian remembered many things about his mother.

She always wore her great grandmother’s pearls.

She loved red wine.

She believed chocolate chip cookies worked better than medication on most childhood ailments.

She met his father when they were both trying to ditch their dates at her coming out.

She liked the contrast between white lilies and red roses.

That was the easiest thing about standing in front of the door to his apartment. He had picked up a bouquet of lilies and roses at the florist across the street from the federal building.

He had no reason to worry about his mother being in the apartment with Charlie. She wasn’t going to hurt him.

She knew.

The surprise would be more that Charlie was there rather than there was a Charlie.

He had come out to his family almost twenty years ago. The entire family had assured him since then that they were okay with it.

He took a deep breath and unlocked the door to the apartment.


	42. Mama’s Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian greets his mother…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Mama’s Boy  
Pairing/Characters: Ian, Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 300  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Ian greets his mother…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

He dismissed Agent Franklin upon walking through the door. Agent Franklin took one look at the sniper and swallowed. He scurried out the door, down the hallways and into the elevator.

Once Agent Franklin was gone, Ian faced the living room, no one was there.

Then, he heard Isaac giggle from the kitchen, matched by the warm laugh of his mother.

There was a catch in his chest. A thousand childhood memories were tied to that sound.

Then he heard Charlie saying something about not paying attention when he poured the batter into the pans.

Ian stepped into the kitchen in time to see Charlie fish Ian’s measuring spoons out of a layer of chocolate cake while his mother frosted the other layer and let Isaac lick the beaters of Ian’s hand mixer.

Emily smiled at Charlie. “We could fix it with frosting…put it on the bottom of this one…what happened?”

Ian leaned in the doorway and listened.

“Well…you introduced yourself to Agent Franklin as Mrs. Edgerton and…”

Emily began to laugh. “Oh no…my dear, I can’t possibly sound that young!!”

Ian cleared his throat. “Mother, people have mistaken you for Shannon for years.”

Emily smiled at Charlie. “Shannon is Ian’s younger sister…Ian learned to flatter me from his grandfather.”

She walked across the kitchen and hugged Ian. “Darling, we’ve been so worried about you…you would not believe how relieved I was to find out from your landlord that you had simply changed apartments…”

“Yes, mother…the phone will be turned on next week.” Ian hugged her back, as Charlie scooped Isaac off the counter and placed the beaters in the sink.

Charlie whispered in his ear as he passed that he was going to get Isaac cleaned up for dinner.

Ian nodded, wiping a smudge of chocolate from Isaac’s cheek.


	43. Water Cooler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cooper begins his day collecting rumors…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Water Cooler  
Pairing/Characters: Cooper  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 213  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Cooper begins his day collecting rumors…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Cooper smirked to himself.

The headlines of the morning edition of bullshit were plentiful.

Ian Edgerton’s mother was in town.

The sniper came from money with a capital M.

The sniper was training the mathematician’s son to be a sniper.

The sniper, assisted by Don’s math genius brother was training a contingent of toddler super geniuses to take over the world.

The sniper was referred to as Merlin by Don’s nephew.

Merlin was Ian Edgerton’s code name in some super secret organization.

Ian Edgerton was a practicing druid high priest.

The sniper used alchemy to ensure kill shots.

Cooper laughed to himself, listening to the latest variations. Don had warned him, the LA office was a rumor mill. It had been so bad when they had first found out about Charlie and the girls that Ian had believed the coffee had been drugged. Rather prophetic that…Cooper wondered if there might be a little psychic energy running through the sniper’s brain.

He shrugged and refilled his coffee cup. “Did you hear the latest?” He asked a particularly active member of the grapevine as he walked past.

His head snapped up. “No…what did you hear?”

“Agent Edgerton is a proven psychic.”

Cooper hid his smirk behind his coffee cup as he walked to his desk.


	44. Magic Wand Safety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After hearing particular rumors Don has a talk with Isaac…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Magic Wand Safety  
Pairing/Characters: Don  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 455  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: After hearing particular rumors Don has a talk with Isaac…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

According to the rumor mill, Isaac knew what Ian did out in the field. Don was not exactly surprised, he knew his team and everyone he came into contact with, that Charlie knew about, were characters in Isaac’s bedtime stories.

But, he needed to know a few things, from Isaac…if Isaac thought like Don thought Isaac might think, he needed to talk to Charlie.

Don walked into the conference room and scooped up Isaac. “Chuck, I’m kidnapping my nephew.”

“Bring him back healthy and in one piece or Ian will hunt you down and make you eat your own toenails.”

Don nodded. “Yeah, I know, while they’re still attached even, come on Isaac.”

Isaac took Don’s hand and Don took him to the conference room next door. Isaac wondered what was going on. Maybe they were going to surprise daddy and Merlin.

Don placed his gun on the table. “Isaac, do you know what this is?”

Isaac nodded, very seriously. “Is a magic wand.”

“And what does it do?”

“It makes bad people go away.”

“Does Merlin have one?”

Isaac shook his head. Merlin had more than one, Agen Don was being silly.

“Are you sure?”

“Merlin has more than one, Agen Don, you’re silly.”

“You’ve seen them?”

Isaac nodded, swinging his feet back and forth.

“Isaac…have you ever handled a magic wand?”

Isaac shook his head. “Nope, not sposed to.”

“That’s right…do you know why?”

Isaac nodded and scrambled in his chair to stand on it. He placed his little hands on the table and leaned forward to look into Agen Don’s eyes.

Don tried not to chuckle, recognizing a four year old estimation of a position most of the agents on his team assumed when about to discuss something serious.

“Is not mine…an since is a magic wand, is magic. But I don’t know how use it. An if I pick it up, the magic may think I gonna steal it an thas bad so the magic wand may go bang and make me go way cause think I’m a bad people or magic may think that there’s bad people and go bang and make good people go way instead. So must never ever touch, specially Merlin’s wands that go snipe go bang, cause they are really special and saved daddy’s life once and thas good, but if I touch and then they don’t work, then thas bad. Don’t you know that Agen Don?”

Don re-holstered his firearm and scooped Isaac up, giving him a hug. “Yeah, kiddo, I know that…I was just making sure Merlin told you.”

Isaac shook his head. “Uh uh…daddy told me.”

“He did, did he? Well, that’s good.” Don took Isaac to the kitchen for a juice box.


	45. Lunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian and his mother go to lunch…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Lunch  
Pairing/Characters: Ian  
Rating/Category: PG-13 (um, Lady E said if I don’t put a tissue warning on this she would thwock me…so…tissue warning…)  
Word Count: 549  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Ian and his mother go to lunch…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Ian spent the morning on the firing range, he recertified six people and failed two. At 11:30 he walked through the bullpen to the conference room where Charlie was working on his cognitive emergence theory with Isaac playing with blocks on the table.

He greeted Isaac warmly when the four year old scrambled across the table and hugged him.

Charlie turned from the board and smiled at him. They greeted each other with their eyes.

Ian smiled. “Are you sure the two of you won’t join mother and I for lunch?”

Charlie shook his head. “Isaac and I brought our lunch and you haven’t seen your mother in ten years…she goes back to Virginia tomorrow, I think the two of you should have some family time.”

Ian nodded, giving Isaac another hug before leaving to meet his mother at a bistro near the federal building.

She was waiting for him, sitting at a table near the back, affording more privacy in her mind.

Better lines of sight in his.

He greeted her with a kiss to the cheek and sat down, making certain he kept a clear view of the door. They perused the menus in silence, placed orders and sipped drinks.

Ten years of questions stretched between them. Ian refused to speak first.

It had been easier the night before, Charlie and Isaac were there and his mother would have considered it improper to speak of personal matters in front of them, but also, his mother had found both Eppeses genuinely enchanting and enjoyed their company. Charlie had given her the chance to provide family news without Ian having to ask how Richard’s medical practice was doing or his sister Elizabeth’s law office or the success of his sister Shannon’s latest art exhibition.

Charlie and Isaac had filled silences the night before.

Ian did not know whether he should apologize or not, he was not sorry that he had not been home, that he had not called. He was protecting them, protecting them from him, from the blood and the cordite, the mud and the darkness that clung to him, all things that should never enter the sanctuary of his family home.

Emily studied her son’s face, but it revealed nothing to her. She took a deep breath and asked him.

“What did we do, Ian?”

Ian jolted slightly, drawing his attention back to his mother, the moment. “What?”

“What did we do to drive you away?”

“Nothing, mother, no one did anything.”

“What didn’t we do, then?”

“Mother…my absence has nothing to do with the family, no one did or didn’t do anything.”

“Was it your Uncle Eugene? He’s an absolute boar, but he doesn’t mean anything…”

“Mother, it wasn’t Uncle Eugene. No one drove me away, mother.”

“Then…why, Ian? I know you miss your grandfather…”

“Mother, I miss all of you…but I will not be coming.”

“Ian…you could bring Charles and Isaac…”

“I know I could.”

“The family would love them…”

“I know they would…mother…I am sorry.” And now he was, but he couldn’t do it.

The silence returned.

Ian paid for their meals and they parted.

She kissed his cheek and asked if he needed money.

He promised her he was fine.

She did not let him see the tears.

He knew they were there.


	46. Carton of Eggnog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don handles the grocery shopping…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Carton of Eggnog  
Pairing/Characters: Don  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 193  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Don handles the grocery shopping…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Their grocery list was relatively simple.

Eggs, bread, cold cuts, cheese, milk, beer, juice, frozen pizza, little bit of fruit, sometimes some vegetables, cans of soup.

Same things every week or every other week

Sometimes they ran out of mustard or mayonnaise or ketchup, if so it went on the list.

So, since their initial discussion of Cooper’s holiday traditions, Don had made a mental note to add eggnog to the list.

Cooper needed to be more specific.

The only eggnog he had now successfully checked off as definitely not ever drank by one Billy Cooper was something called Soynog.

He was pretty sure he could cross off light eggnog as well, but he wasn’t entirely sure, Cooper had gone through a Diet Pepsi phase, it was short lived, but memorable.

Don looked at the dairy case for another minute and cursed. The game would be on soon. This was not supposed to be difficult, it was a frickin container of eggnog, Cooper’s only holiday tradition and it had sounded so damn simple.

He cursed again and picked up one of each.

Even the soynog, just in case Cooper felt like being contrary.


	47. Newton Claus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was not what Charlie had described…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Newton Claus  
Pairing/Characters: Megan  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 238  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: This was not what Charlie had described…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

For the third day in a row, Megan found a white paper wrapped box waiting for her when she opened her door to head out.

Each box revealed a thoughtful, beautiful gift.

No cards, but it wasn’t necessary – she knew they were from Larry.

There was no one else in her acquaintance who would give someone a framed photograph of the M57 Nebula. (She had run an image search to determine that yes that was exactly what that was.)

But, this was not what Charlie had said Larry did for the holidays.

This was not the sweet yet scientifically based celebration that had been described to her.

What was more, she couldn’t find Larry to ask him what was going on and to tell him she would be happy to hostess his Newtonmas festivities.

Larry had been off the grid since his fight with Charlie.

She had left several voice messages for him.

It was possible he wasn’t aware of his phone at the moment.

Tonight she resolved to stay up and wait for him.

It was like waiting up for Santa Claus, except now she was old enough to drink her weight in coffee. Thus, she was almost guaranteed she could catch the elusive Newton Claus.

Hell, she could set up surveillance, motion detectors, lights and when he appeared handcuff and interrogate him.

She nibbled her last truffle.

There would likely be benefits to that.


	48. Family is Never Simple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In preparation for more Lady E. pron, Charlie and Ian do some stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Family is Never Simple  
Pairing/Characters: Ian, Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 319  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: In preparation for more Lady E. pron, Charlie and Ian do some stuff  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

He had assured Charlie he was okay more than a dozen times the night before. He had been content to hold Charlie all night, wide awake with his thoughts.

He had made his mother cry.

He knew he had made his mother cry, but there was nothing he could do about it.

He read the comics to Isaac.

He made lunch while Charlie and Isaac math babbled at the kitchen table.

He opened the number coated package he found at his place at the table, giving Charlie questioning looks, while Charlie feigned innocence and Isaac giggled.

Three packages in three days and he was certain it was not Hanukkah. He had checked, rechecked and contacted the manufacturer of his calendar to verify that he did not have a misprinted copy.

The first, had brought a bottle of premium vanilla extract, the second, a box of ammunition, the third, a container of dark, rich imported cocoa powder.

There was likely to be a pattern here.

He saved the wrapping paper, when he had some time he would sort out the equations and possibly see if there was some sort of coded message there.

The equations looked complicated enough to take his mind off of his mother and the rest of his family.

He watched as Charlie put Isaac to bed. Charlie tucked the blankets up around Isaac and 3.14159 and then quietly stepped from the room.

He looked up at Ian and then, placed a hand on the hollow of Ian’s shoulder, stepped up onto the tops of his boots so they were nose to nose and kissed him, soft and gentle.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You didn’t sleep last night.”

Ian ran his hands up Charlie’s sides, under his shirt, his hand skimmed the now loosening stitches on Charlie’s back and he bit back a growl low in his throat.

“Charlie, it’s complicated.”

“Ian, family is never simple.”


	49. Data Collection  -Pron from Lady E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie collects data on Ian…heck it’s PRON damn it – he collects data all over Ian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conference Wives – Holiday Ficathon. (How Charlie Convinces Ian to go home for Christmas - takes place after Family is Never Simple)

Title: Data Collection -Pron from Lady E  
Pairing/Characters: Ian/Charlie  
Rating/Category: NC-17  
Word Count: 3,964  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Charlie collects data on Ian…heck it’s PRON damn it – he collects data all over Ian.  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: Conference Wives – Holiday Ficathon. (How Charlie Convinces Ian to go home for Christmas - takes place after Family is Never Simple)

 

“Charlie, it’s complicated.”

“Ian, family is never simple.”

A mirthless chuckle, and then Ian kissed Charlie again, his mouth slanting firmly over those soft, waiting lips.

_He doesn’t understand… no one does… I can’t go back there… no matter how much it makes Mother cry… I can’t go back…_

Without warning, he wrapped his arms tighter and bore Charlie up, back, into the wall, devouring Charlie’s mouth. He didn’t want platitudes; he didn’t want to talk at all.

He wanted Charlie to scream his name.

Only by the vaguest, slenderest miracle did he remember that Isaac slept peacefully in the next room. Anything involving Charlie making an obscene amount of noise would need to wait until Isaac was being babysat, or it would require explanations much more involved than any of Cooper’s antics.

It was a deep consciousness realization at best. His focus was entirely on the way Charlie’s legs wrapped so naturally around his waist, the way his hands sank so easily into Ian’s hair to anchor their mouths together, the way he returned Ian’s hunger and fed it at the same time.

His grip would leave finger-shaped bruises on Charlie’s lower cheeks. Charlie’s still-healing back was braced against the wall. He knew and didn’t care; he wanted Charlie to feel the razor edge of his darker nature…

He would give Charlie the chance to run before it consumed them both entirely. He loved Charlie too much not to give him that chance.

Charlie moaned his name between kisses; Ian’s blood pounded as he battled to regain control. Torturously, he ascended from the depths of his baser desires, nearly unable to look Charlie in the eye as he let Charlie down off the wall. Charlie’s feet came to rest atop his own, the barest pressure against his insteps. It made him smile, but the smile didn’t touch the shadows in his eyes.

That unruly hair tickled his chin as Charlie tucked his head against the hollow of Ian’s shoulder. Ian’s arms were still around him: a safe haven from the world. But there were shadows darker than Don’s which cloaked the sniper. Even as Charlie held Ian and listened to that steady heartbeat beneath his ear, he could feel them deepening around them both.

He needed to know how to fight them. Cooper fought Don’s; it was his job to fight Ian’s. But first, he needed to know what they were.

He needed more data.

They stood there in silence for what seemed like hours. Ian didn’t seem to want to talk. Charlie needed him to. He nestled closer, his head rubbing the hollow beneath his ear. Ian relaxed, but only slightly; the tension that had held his body taut as a bowstring for days still tangible beneath Charlie’s grip. Softly, tentatively, he spoke Ian’s name, hoping to inspire Ian to speak.

“I was named for my father’s father.”

_Finally… data…_

“He was drafted into World War II; fought in the European campaign. I remember him telling me about the first time he saw one of the death camps… the mass graves… the emaciated bodies of the barely living… He said he’d never known hatred until that day… never known what evil really looked like. An officer surprised his company; my grandfather managed to get his gun from him and shot him. He kept it… taught me to shoot with it when I was twelve. He told me that he kept it to remember that there was a line thinner than razor wire between what that man did to those prisoners and what he did to that man… he told me over and over that he always regretted killing him, even if he did it to protect others… to rejoice in the death of another human being, even if you killed that person with the most just of causes, was to be no different than those Nazi butchers…”

Ian brought Charlie to the couch with him as he talked, like a parent with a small child. They curled up on the couch and Charlie continued to listen silently, the words spilling unhindered from Ian’s lips… words he had held inside a decade too long.

“He started teaching me to bake when I was no older than Isaac… he’d sit me on a chair or a stool with a mixing bowl and wooden spoon, and he’d show me all his secrets. We hunted, fished… he had a range built on the grounds for my fourteenth birthday… he must’ve known for years that I had a gift, because from my first memories he was teasing me, testing my aim and my patience. When I was fifteen… when I realized I needed to talk to someone about my attraction to men instead of women… he was the one I went to. He was the one who supported me, told me I wasn’t a freak and that the family would love me no matter what… I honestly think he bullied some of the family into accepting it; he was the patriarch and they all respected him… I adored him… he was my mentor…

“I joined the Marines fresh out of high school: all of seventeen… I came home four years later and joined the FBI, my sniper record already legendary… I went home to see the family every chance I could; talked to my grandfather every day…

“I was twenty-four when he died.”

Charlie made a soft noise of sympathy, his head lifting from Ian’s chest. Ian wasn’t looking at him; was staring at the ceiling as he spoke. He brushed a hand through Charlie’s hair and smiled ever so briefly.

“I’d been away on a case… had to kill two men before the mess was cleaned up… I was looking forward to seeing my grandfather, talking everything through with him… but when I got to the house, it was before dawn. I went to his room in the morning, hoping to talk to him before breakfast… he’d died in his sleep.

“After the funeral, I found myself making excuses not to go home, talking to the family less. Initially, it was just that it hurt to think of home without him there. But I went home for Christmas that year… on Christmas Eve… I realized when I saw them… the look in their eyes…

“I can’t go home, Charlie… I won’t force them to bear the shadows I do…”

“Your mother wanted to see you,” Charlie observed softly. “She didn’t seem like she cared that you’re a sniper.”

“She’s my mother,” Ian replied, somewhat harsher than intended. He brushed a hand through Charlie’s hair apologetically. “Charlie, my mother is the epitome of grace. She maintains a warm, immaculate home and manages our family’s philanthropic interests. She would welcome me into the house with open arms no matter what, because I am her son. I simply refuse to sully that with the blood on my hands.”

A handful of heartbeats. Charlie lay silently against his chest, calculating. Ian stroked his hair, his eyes closed and his head resting against the arm of the couch. He wasn’t used to the comfortable weight of a lover resting atop him when he felt like this… feeling comfortable enough to discuss family was simply unheard of until now.

The weight leaving him caused his eyes to snap open.

Charlie had slipped off the couch… off of his body… Ian’s mouth opened to ask what he was doing and Charlie reached for his hand. His hand slipped into Charlie’s without thinking, his fingers wrapping around the palm and holding tight. Charlie tugged and Ian stood, following the silent mathematician into the bedroom.

Those eyes were luminous, dark chocolate. Ian couldn’t help straining to catch glimpses of them as Charlie sat him on the edge of the bed and removed his boots and socks. He brought Ian back to his feet and unfastened his belt, pausing at the button of his pants. He glanced up… Ian had the briefest flash of guilt… Charlie looked so young… so soft and vulnerable… “May I?”

Ian nodded silently, not trusting himself to speak.

Charlie unfastened Ian’s pants. He slipped them down Ian’s legs, his thumbs hooked inside the boxers to remove those simultaneously. Ian’s blood pounded and his hands flexed as Charlie urged the clothing away from his ankles and carefully placed everything in the hamper.

It was a strain not to pounce on Charlie as he drew back to the sniper. Instead, he remained perfectly still as Charlie’s hands slipped up into the hollows of his shoulders, lingering there for a moment, his fingers stroking. He watched how Ian’s body responded to the stimulus, his expression curious. His head cocked to one side, and Ian had the faintest impression of a dog’s ears lifting in curiosity.

It brought another smile to Ian’s lips, this one causing the barest glimmer in the depths of his eyes… a pinprick of starlight in the vast empty sky.

Charlie noted to himself to share the impression with Larry when they spoke next.

Larry had always urged Charlie to broaden his scientific range, to look outside the confines of his math and explore all possibilities. Charlie was about to take that advice.

He wasn’t sure yet whether he would share the experiment with his academic mentor. It would require a bit of thought.

Charlie’s fingers strayed away from the hollows and reached for the collar buttons of Ian’s shirt. Carefully, he eased the buttons from their holes and let the shirt drift open. Ian wore a tank shirt underneath it, his military dog tags dangling from his neck. Charlie wondered why he still wore them, or if Colby still wore his. He’d certainly never noticed Ian putting them on since their arrival.

Ian saw the question in Charlie’s eyes. “They are a reminder… of good times and bad… of comrades fallen and unspoken bonds. I don’t flaunt my military background, so they remain hidden.” He brushed a hand over Charlie’s cheek. “There aren’t many men in my old unit who would understand and accept who I am… but someday, I may be able to introduce you to a few of them.”

Again, Charlie’s head tipped in curiosity. His fingers brushed along the chain and examined the tags, gauging the size and imprint of Ian’s name, rank and serial number. Ian half expected the question to be asked, but it wasn’t. Charlie simply tucked the tags inside Ian’s tank shirt, and then pushed his Oxford shirt off his shoulders. Ian let him remove it, replied with a silent nod when Charlie asked permission to remove the tank. He stood naked, exposed, feeling doubly so given how much of his soul he’d just laid bare for Charlie’s examination.

He only hoped that Charlie would truly understand.

Soft fingers urged him into the bed, between the soft cotton sheets that Ian had so carefully selected when they’d moved in here. Ian watched with luminous eyes as Charlie removed his own clothes, his own eyes hesitant as they held Ian’s. It was difficult to stay where he was, to keep from rising and pulling that pale flesh tightly against his own. But then Charlie slid into the bed, straddling his hips, his expression intent, and Ian forgot everything but the way their tumescent flesh brushed together.

Charlie’s fingers returned to the hollows of Ian’s shoulders. Stroking again, he felt the response against his hips and turned his eyes between them. Ian gasped softly, his blood quick in his veins. Charlie experimented with pace, pressure, number of fingers, gauging the response from the sniper beneath him.

Finally, softly, he spoke. “I’m the gun.”

Ian’s breath caught in his throat. “Yes… you are…”

“If I’m the gun…” Charlie stroked the hollow again. “Then what do you think of when I do this?”

Gasp. Swallow. “Shouldering the rifle.”

Mental notation. Data filled in. “Then… what about this?” Charlie scored his nails down the hollows, slow and light.

A truncated cry. Ian’s eyes blinked involuntarily. “Finding… finding the target.”

Charlie continued to trace his nails over the flesh for a moment, considering. “So… if I did this?” Bending close, he brushed his lips over the hollow.

“T… target locked… no matter where it moves… I’ve got it…” Ian’s hands flexed, fighting to remain at his sides rather than sinking into Charlie’s hair. Whatever Charlie was up to, it was obvious that he wanted the control.

A murmur in Charlie’s throat, and Charlie began to trace light paths over the hollow of Ian’s left shoulder with his tongue. “And this?”

Ian’s eyes closed as his neck arched. “Lining… lining up the shot… oh, God…”

Charlie hummed softly, as if noting the reactions in a journal. He then repeated the series, noting aloud each of Ian’s metaphorical associations.

He repeated them again.

Ian’s teeth were clenched tight, fighting down the need to pounce and roll Charlie down into the mattress… to bury himself and all of his inner turmoil inside Charlie’s willing body…

One of those hands snuck away from the hollows… slipped down between them… Ian felt the feather touch of those gentle fingers and gasped, his hips arching against Charlie’s and a hoarse cry leaving his throat… he fervently hoped that they wouldn’t wake Isaac…

Charlie smiled. He stroked Ian leisurely, allowing himself to learn every nuance by touch rather than tongue-stroke. Quantifying Ian would take all of his faculties, all of his understanding…

And quite possibly all the rest of his life.

It was, by and large, a rather attractive prospect. Isaac would love nothing more. Don seemed to like Ian, and Ian and Cooper got along well enough; they didn’t seem to know one another very well, for which Charlie was grateful. If the men he and Don were seeing had a history together, that could get… messy…

His father would just have to learn to accept it. Ian was part of his equation now… always had been, really: just a part that had gone unsolved until now. There was no such thing as non-existent portions of an equation; they were simply undiscovered.

Charlie was stroking him with his left hand, repeating the target set-up as he did so. Ian’s hands fisted in the sheets, his breath shallow. It took several minutes before Ian slid his hand between their bodies to stroke Charlie in turn, unable to keep still any longer. His eyes opened to watch Charlie’s eyes grow heavy and his lips part in a silent ‘o’. “Charlie…”

He was interrupted by a kiss. Charlie’s right hand left the hollow and slipped into his left, their fingers lacing tightly together as Charlie continued to stroke him with the same gentle, explorative strokes that he’d used to determine the volume formulae in the shower… “What I’d like to know,” Charlie murmured, his voice husky and warm against Ian’s lips, “is what do I do to make you… pull the trigger?”

Ian’s breath rushed out of him. His chest felt tight, constricted with the need to take Charlie right then and there. “A sniper and his gun are one, Charlie,” Ian managed, his voice reedy with restraint. “One can’t fire without the other.”

An elfin smile lit Charlie’s entire face. “Don’t worry about that… your finger’s already on the trigger.”

Ian tried to breathe. He really did. His lips took Charlie’s and he found oxygen at last…

Charlie pulled away from the kiss, his fingers wrapping around Ian and stroking more firmly. Ian matched him, his breath ragged and his fingers gripping tighter on Charlie’s right hand. Charlie leaned in, brushing his lips over the hollow. “Target locked…”

Ian gave another soft cry, almost agonized desire.

Charlie’s tongue swept slowly from bottom to top of the hollow. “Lining up the shot…”

Charlie’s name left his lips. He fought to keep stroking Charlie at the same speed Charlie stroked him, despairing that Charlie wouldn’t find release with him…

Gentle suction against the skin. Ian gasped.

Sharp teeth sank suddenly into the sensitive flesh.

Ian’s entire body arched into his orgasm, his hands clenching on whatever part of Charlie they held. Charlie gasped as he found himself climaxing with the sniper, making a mental note of just how much he’d managed to arouse himself by doing what he’d done to Ian.

That would require exploration. Perhaps another time. Charlie had a point to make just now, and he wasn’t done making it yet.

Those black eyes fluttered open. Charlie watched in fascination the way the dilated irises contracted slightly as the sniper’s vision focused on him. “Kickback.”

A flaming blush blossomed on the sniper’s honey cheeks.

Charlie’s answering smile was exultant.

Ian’s breath gradually deepened, the hand still gripping Charlie’s relaxing slightly and fingers testing to see if Charlie’s hand was at all injured by his grip. Charlie’s own grip tightened, belying the possibility, and he slipped from atop Ian’s hips and out of the bed. “Come with me.”

The grin on Charlie’s face, boyish and beautiful, drew Ian from the bed and silenced his questions. He followed the eager mathematician into the bath after a quick glance to Isaac’s room; the toddler was still sound asleep, and Ian sent a grateful prayer that he was and would stay that way. Charlie started the shower and prodded Ian beneath the warm water.

Having Charlie attend him was possibly more erotic than attending to Charlie. Ian was glad that the stitches had come out, and that he didn’t have to remind Charlie about getting stitches wet. He would have to remember to attend the healing scars in the morning; Charlie seemed bent on distracting him tonight.

If Charlie chose to distract him with anything more ardent than the embraces they’d already shared, Ian wasn’t sure…

Soft hands stroking him to fullness again obliterated the end of the thought.

This time, Charlie said nothing. He brushed kisses over Ian’s chest and stomach, gauging the sniper’s reactions and repeating or altering his actions accordingly.

_He’s experimenting… dear God in Heaven..._

There was nothing between them now; unlike the range, there was nothing to obstruct Ian’s view save his own heavy eyelids. No rifle, no clothing… only Charlie, naked on his knees, his lips and tongue and teeth discovering all the ways to arouse him… the most beautiful thing Ian had ever seen.

He was sure seeing Charlie naked and spread beneath him, those flyaway curls spread across the pillows, would take his breath away. He could barely breathe now, was standing by strength of will alone, Marine discipline all that bound his legs to carry him rather than buckle and collapse into Charlie’s embrace… and yet his legs rebelled, straining to betray his mind’s commands, to let his body sink until he was comfortably entwined with the beautiful man before him… no one had ever stolen his control this way… but then, Charlie was the near-antithesis of all the others…

Charlie drank his climax again, with no hesitation or struggle, and Ian gave in to his body’s demands. That surprisingly talented tongue had barely finished cleaning his softening erection before Ian slid, boneless and content, to the floor of the tub and Charlie’s embrace. His head bent almost naturally, his lips seeking those that had only moments ago been wrapped around his flesh…

Slick, soft fingers halted his advance. Ian’s eyes flashed open to find a resolution he’d rarely seen in those liquid chocolate eyes.

“Your family is your decision; I cannot rationally expect to alter it, no matter what I believe. But I will not allow you to abandon me, or our son, just because you are willing to believe the worst about yourself.”

Breathing was impossible. Ian’s heart felt sluggish in his chest as he stared, genuinely stunned, at the resolute, naked Eppes before him. “Charlie…”

“I mean it, Ian. Any decisions about this relationship will be made by both of us. I will not allow you to walk away without a word… so help me, if you do, I will use every iota of my clearance to have you found… not to mention that if it comes down to it, I can also see to it that you aren’t called upon to kill anything larger than an arachnid for the rest of your life.” His eyebrows arched slightly. “Okay?”

Slowly, not trusting himself to speak, Ian nodded.

Satisfied that his message had been understood, that the data he’d collected had led him to the proper conclusion, Charlie slid his arms around Ian’s torso and his head snuggled into the hollow of Ian’s shoulder. Ian’s arms came around him instantly and Charlie gave a soft sigh of contentment. They rested there for a moment before Charlie spoke again. “It’s not your fault, you know… any more than it’s your fault that you’re a living example of Schrödinger’s cat.”

A laugh escaped Ian at the out-of-the-blue reference. Charlie was sounding like Charlie again, and Ian’s relief at that cut through the tense emotions in the room. “Whose cat?”

“Sch…” Charlie started to explain, then shook his head, reached up, and turned off the cooling water. “I’ll explain it in the morning.”

“Whatever you say, Professor.” Ian chuckled again, assuming Charlie was simply too tired to get into a math discussion this late at night, and after another minute of indulging in their comfortable embrace, Ian helped Charlie from the tub.

They stole kisses while they dried off and found pajama pants. Ian’s lips whispered over Charlie’s skin even as Charlie allowed him to apply the various unguents to his healing flesh, reverent rather than arousing. After checking on Isaac once more, Charlie and Ian tucked into bed and allowed themselves to sleep.

Charlie didn’t tell Ian that the reason he was holding off explaining Schrödinger’s cat was that the numbers in his mind were being curiously quiet at the moment, and he wanted to enjoy the novel sensation.

Ian didn’t tell Charlie that when Charlie had called Isaac _their_ son, that it had somehow reached past a decade of defenses. Nor did he tell him that he’d make arrangements for them to fly back to Virginia for Christmas in the morning.


	50. Kidnap the Newton Claus…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kidnap the Newton Claus, put his wrists in locks, shine a bright light in his eyes then see if he talks…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives.

Title: Kidnap the Newton Claus…  
Pairing/Characters: Larry, Megan  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 234  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Kidnap the Newton Claus, put his wrists in locks, shine a bright light in his eyes then see if he talks…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, its not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives.

Larry approached slowly, package under his arm, deep in contemplation, completely unaware of the fate about to befall him.

He had a lot on his mind. The responses had come back, a resounding positive, Charles had solved P vs. NP, Larry doubted whether or not Charles would want to know. He had not found mistletoe he liked. He needed to do laundry. He was out of socks.

He was now blind because a bright light was shining in his eyes.

Larry dropped the package and shielded his eyes.

Before he could explain himself, before he could say anything, his hands were behind his back, he was handcuffed and dragged through the door.

The light went away.

He found himself sitting on Megan’s couch, hands cuffed behind his back and Megan holding the package.

“Alright Larry, what’s going on? This isn’t Newtonmas, I am sure of that.”

Larry blinked at her. “I should warn Charles.”

“What? Warn Charlie about what?”

“If your reaction to be the focus of a month of appreciation is this extreme…Agent Edgerton may kill Charles before his Sniper Appreciation Month is finished.”

“Month of appreciation?”

Larry nodded. “Charles’ idea…I stole it…borrowed it actually…well…can you un-handcuff me?”

Megan looked at him a long moment and then walked over, leaving the package on the coffee table. She leaned down, tipped his chin up and kissed him.

“Are you sure you want me to?”


	51. Milk?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cooper looks for milk…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives.

Title: Milk?  
Pairing/Characters: Cooper  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 245  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Cooper looks for milk…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, its not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives.

Don was still asleep. Cooper had woken before the alarm and decided to get a jump start on making breakfast or at least coffee, that way…other things…could be done before they had to leave.

He started the coffee maker and opened the fridge.

Don had been to the store, there should be half and half, there would definitely be milk.

He grabbed a carton out of the fridge. Soynog?

Cooper wondered if he was really awake. He looked around, yes, this was the kitchen of the apartment he shared with Don. Don was not a vegetarian, he had eaten meat on his pizza the night before. Maybe it was for Charlie. He didn’t think Charlie was a vegetarian, but this was certainly not here for him or Don.

He put the soynog back in the fridge and reached in again. Ah, there was the milk.

He pulled out the carton and opened it, about to pour a less than liberal amount into his coffee cup. Wait, that didn’t smell like milk.

Cooper leaned against the counter and looked at the container. Eggnog. Don had bought him eggnog. Cooper smiled to himself and opened the fridge to put the eggnog back and find the milk.

He blinked a few times and started to laugh.

On the left side of the fridge, three deep and two abreast, every brand of eggnog the store on the corner had…but no milk.

Cooper splashed some eggnog into his coffee cup.


	52. Math

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian spends a little time on the wrapping paper…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives.

Title: Math  
Pairing/Characters: Ian  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 156  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Ian spends a little time on the wrapping paper…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, its not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives.

Charlie was still asleep. Ian had learned that Charlie was not entirely a morning person and also he did not always wake up when Ian left the bed.

This was a good thing, because it took a good twenty minutes to find a calculator.

He sat on the bed, watching Charlie sleep and sorting through the equations on the paper.

One equation, written several times.

Personalized math genius wrapping paper.

Ian punched the equation from the first paper into the calculator.

1

He looked at the answer and blinked.

He punched the equation from the second into the calculator.

2

He punched the equation from the third into the calculator.

3

Ian looked at the sleeping mathematician and then back at the three papers.

He wondered what Charlie was up to.

He knew that Don knew something and if Don knew something, Cooper knew something.

That meant his list of possible interrogation prospects was rather short.


	53. Eggnog Cocktails

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cooper lets Don know he forgot the milk…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Eggnog Cocktails  
Pairing/Characters: Don, Cooper  
Rating/Category: R  
Word Count: 252  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Cooper lets Don know he forgot the milk…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

 

“On the way home we need to stop by the store and pick up milk.” Cooper watched the scenery.

Don looked over at him. “Milk? Why? I just went to the store.”

“You forgot milk.”

“I did not forget milk.”

“You did too – six cartons of eggnog, no milk.”

Don flushed slightly. “Well, you didn’t specify.”

“That we needed milk? We buy milk every two weeks, why would I need to tell you to buy milk this time?”

“Not the milk, Cooper, the eggnog.”

“Jesus, Eppes, I’m not picky…but you bought so much that I’m going to have to get creative if I’m going to get through all of it before it spoils.”

“How so?”

“Well, it’s rather thick…I could pour it over your chest and take my time licking it off, making certain you stay really, really still so we don’t get any on the sheets…and since I like it with Southern Comfort, I guess I could lodge a shot in your navel for when I’ve gotten you all cleaned up…hell, I could even get fancy and sprinkle you cock with nutmeg for a little garnish…”

Don made a sharp left turn. “The things they don’t discuss on the food network.”

“Don…Hey, I thought you were interested…”

“I am.”

“Then screw the milk, Don, why are we going to the store?”

“Get the milk if you want it, but that’s not why we’re going.”

“Then why are we going?”

“Have you seen our kitchen? We sure as hell don’t have nutmeg.”


	54. Ornament

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don gives Cooper a tree ornament, Cooper decides a tree is the wrong plant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Ornament  
Pairing/Characters: Don, Cooper  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 295  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Don gives Cooper a tree ornament, Cooper decides a tree is the wrong plant.  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

“So, do you want a tree?”

Cooper looked up from a crossword puzzle. “What?”

“Do you want a tree?”

Cooper chuckled. “Sure, we can have a tree…top it with a yarmulke and…blue lights”

Don tossed a small bag at Cooper’s head. “As long as you find a spot for this.”

Cooper opened the little bag and peered inside.

He laughed and tossed the paper aside, he kissed Don, nibbling on his lower lip. “Well, we won’t need a very big tree for just one ornament.”

Don shrugged. “Saw it, didn’t think it should be alone for the holidays.”

Cooper let him go and grinned into the paper bag again. “Maybe not a tree…maybe something else.”

Don picked up the paper and looked at the crossword. “Did you just arbitrarily fill this in with dirty words?”

Cooper shrugged. “Not like anyone in this apartment ever does anything with them…I’ll be back.” He put on a jacket and left.

Don wondered if somehow he insulted Cooper. He puttered around the apartment, picking up clutter and taking out the recycling.

Cooper returned and walked into the bedroom. “Stay out a few minutes, okay?”

Don quirked an eyebrow. “Well, if you don’t want me in the bedroom…where do you want me?”

“Wherever.” Came the voice from the bedroom, followed by the sound of hammering.

Don walked in, despite the instructions. He looked at Cooper from the doorway and tried to figure out what he was doing. He had some sort of twig in his hand and was tying it to the tree ornament and then hanging it from a nail above the headboard.

“What the heck is that?”

“Mistletoe.”

“You tied mistletoe to a canoe ornament?”

“This time you will remember every time I kiss you under the canoe.”


	55. Matchbox

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian’s little sister puts the finishing touches on his Christmas present.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

Title: Matchbox  
Pairing/Characters: Conference Wife OC  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 238  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Ian’s little sister puts the finishing touches on his Christmas present.  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives -Holiday Ficathon

All her paintings were in heroic scale. She was known for them. Her paintings and murals were featured in twenty-five countries. Her exhibitions sold out. Galleries couldn’t keep her work for more than a week.

But the paintings she loved the most were tiny.

Very, very tiny.

About the size of a matchbook.

He didn’t have much space, he moved a lot, he didn’t need to drag a large painting around and she knew he would hate to keep one in storage.

She painted only two a year, each one taking almost a month, details so fine that most people would need a microscope to see them.

She didn’t think he would need one.

She signed the tiny painting and tucked it into the box with the other nineteen.

She never dared to send them.

She would sign on to Elizabeth or Richard’s gift to Ian this year, just like every other year, birthdays and Christmas. She was act annoyed when they called her a flighty artist.

She didn’t want to let these out of her sight until Ian was here to tell her what he thought of them. Not until she could see his face when he opened the box.

She locked the box into a fireproof safe under the floor board beneath her easel and sighed.

She doubted he would ever see them, but she wanted them to be safe.

She wanted the same for him.


	56. Cards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian received cards…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives.

Title: Cards  
Pairing/Characters: Ian  
Rating/Category: PG  
Word Count: 214  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Ian received cards…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, its not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives.

Ian was perplexed. It was not uncommon for him to receive Christmas cards or the more ambiguous Happy Holiday/Season’s Greetings cards, usually anonymous ones from fans and admirers, signed ones from various armory agents. But this year something was definitely different.

Hanukkah cards.

Everyone that left a card on the range for him from the LA office had given him a Hanukkah card.

Hell, some of them were even printed in Hebrew.

There was even a menorah next to the Christmas tree on the counter next to the armory.

All the cards from other offices and Quantico were Christmas cards, but every card without a stamp was a Hanukkah card.

He was certain that many of the agents in this office sent Don Christmas cards.

Then, why had they suddenly decided he was Jewish?

He tucked the cards into the front of his case and removed a book to give them more room. He glanced down at it as he moved it into a different pocket.

Jewish Traditions, Food and Folklore

The book he had been reading while waiting for every agent to appear for his or her recertification. The book he had read during lunch.

He shook his head and thanked the armory agents for the cards.

Charlie would be amused.


	57. Different than the Rest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian’s brother helps their mother decorate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives.

Title: Different than the Rest  
Pairing/Characters: Conference Wives OCs (Emily, Richard)  
Rating/Category: PG  
Word Count: 184  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Ian’s brother helps their mother decorate  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, its not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives.

Richard helped his mother unpack bags of new decorations and wondered if she had possible picked up someone else’s bag. He looked around the family room, to make certain that in the last fifteen minutes the decorations had not changed colors, no, they hadn’t. Everything was festooned with red, green, white and gold.

In his hand he held two, dark blue velvet stockings embroidered with silver.

“Mother?”

Emily turned. “Oh, give those here, Richard, they’ll go in the drawer.”

He turned them over in his hands. The I could be for Ian, the C, perhaps Aunt Caroline, but all the stockings that hung on the mantle and around the fireplace were identical, including recent additions, wives, husbands, children, grandchildren.

Each and everyone was red with gold, all but one already filled.

“Mother…these are…” He almost said blue, but that would be stupidly obvious, “the wrong color.”

“They are a maybe, dear.”

“You’re thinking of changing everything next year?”

“No dear…I’m hoping that one of these years everything will change and we should be ready.”

She took the stockings and tucked them into a drawer.


	58. Making Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alan calls Don

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives.

Title: Making Plans  
Pairing/Characters: Alan  
Rating/Category: PG  
Word Count: 138  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Alan calls Don  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, its not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives.

Alan opted to call.

He picked up the phone and dialed Don’s cell phone.

He listened to it ring. He listened to the impersonal message and left one of his own.

“Donnie, it’s your father. Do you think you can get your brother out of protective custody for Hanukkah? I would like to have all of you here at the house. Let me know.”

He hung up the phone and then picked it back up and redialed.

He listened to it ring. He left another message.

“And by all of you I mean Cooper too, okay?”

He hung up the phone, walked into the kitchen and then back into the hall and picked it back up and redialed.

He listened to it ring. He left another message.

“If necessary, Agent Edgerton would not be unwelcome.”

He hung up.


	59. Welcome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don ponders Alan’s messages

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives.

Title: Welcome  
Pairing/Characters: Don, Cooper  
Rating/Category: PG  
Word Count: 188  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Don ponders Alan’s messages  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, its not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives.

Don listened to his messages and groaned.

Cooper looked up. “What?”

“Dad, Hanukkah.”

“Yeah?”

“He wants to know if Charlie will be able to come to the house or if he is still restricted by protective custody. He wants all of us to be there. He left a separate message to let me know that included you and another message to let me know the Ian would not be unwelcome.”

“Not unwelcome?”

“That’s what he said.”

Cooper ran a hand through his hair. “And you’re thoughts on all this?”

“This is going to be a very, very tense Hanukkah.”

“Don, if he’s invited me and he has…sort’ve invited Ian…that’s a step in the right direction, right?”

“Inviting and wanting the two of you there are two separate things. You’re not Jewish, Ian’s not Jewish…hell, of the lot of us, Isaac’s the most Jewish and Isaac is really who he wants there, but with neither of you being Jewish, he may be hoping that would prevent both of you from accepting the invite.”

“Are you reading too much into this? He’s in therapy.”

“Therapists are not miracle workers, Coop.”


	60. Invitations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian and Don talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives.

Title: Invitations  
Pairing/Characters: Don, Ian  
Rating/Category: PG  
Word Count: 341  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Ian and Don talk  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, its not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives.

Don decided to speak to Ian instead of Charlie. He walked down to the range, did a double take at the menorah, decided he’d ask Ian and walked across to where Ian was finishing off a clip. A piece of number-filled paper on the partition still slightly obscuring Charlie’s most recent gift to Ian, some sort of field kit for maintaining the rifle sight.

Ian turned as he became aware of Don’s presence.

“Don?”

“Ian, I need to talk to you.”  
“Sure. Here or elsewhere?”

“Elsewhere, let’s head upstairs.”

Ian returned his rifle to the armory and walked out of the federal building with Don. They crossed the street and Ian waited for Don to talk.

“Dad wants Charlie and Isaac home for Hanukkah.”

Ian nodded. “That’s to be expected. Let me guess, he’d rather I wasn’t there.”

“Well, you’ve been invited.”

Ian started. “You’re joking.”

“No…you’re invited, Cooper’s invited…”

“And you are uneasy because…”

“You and Cooper were invited in separate messages from the one that Dad left asking if Charlie could come home for Hanukkah.”

“Okay.”

“The message about Cooper, was probably to appease me, make sure I’d come.”

“Okay.”

“The message about you…well, dad said you would not be unwelcome.”

“This doesn’t mean I’d actually be welcome and you think he doesn’t really want Cooper there either.”

Don hung his head.

“Don, it’s okay. I can bring Charlie and Isaac, stake the place out, keep an eye out for trouble and Isaac, Charlie and I can have Hanukkah at the apartment afterwards.”

“Ian…that’s not really an option, Charlie’s going to be rather upset about this and with Charlie upset, Isaac’s going to catch on and I don’t exactly know what he’s going to think…”

Ian nodded. “You should talk to your father. Have him come down and talk to you and Charlie.”

Don sighed. “Yeah, I’d rather be shot.”

“I doubt Charlie would believe me if I told him it was at your request, so I fear I will be unable to oblige you.”

“Some help you are.”


	61. A Date for the Holidays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amita contemplates her options

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: A Date for the Holidays  
Pairing/Characters: Amita  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 100  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Amita contemplates her options  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

She poured another drink.

She was going to spend the holidays alone.

She had screwed up.

She knew it, she put her foot in her mouth…twice.

She couldn’t even bring herself to call after Charlie had been abducted from his office.

She didn’t think it would be a good idea to visit after he was found.

She heard from another professor that Charlie had solved P vs. NP – she had written a congratulations card, but it sat by the door, unstamped and unsent.

She wondered if they would allow Penfield visitors for the holidays.

She could settle for second best.


	62. Carrying-on a Family Tradition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colby’s grandfather would not be very proud…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: Carrying-on a Family Tradition  
Pairing/Characters: Colby  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 237  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Colby’s grandfather would not be very proud…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

 

Colby was convinced the world at large was against him.  
There was no where to rent a Santa Claus suit.

Well, not one that didn’t look like it had been worn a thousand times by every homeless person in LA or used for some bizarre Santa Claus mud wrestling competition.

He called every costume rental place.  
Every single one.

He sighed and called a long distance number.

“Hello?”  
“Hi, Grandma? It’s Colby.”  
“Colby! How are you dear-heart?”  
“Just fine, Grandma…I need a favor…”  
“Anything for you, dear-heart.”  
“Do you still have Grandpa’s Santa Claus suit?”  
“The one he used to wear when he worked at Montgomery Wards?”  
“Yes, Grandma, that’s the one.”  
“Of course, dear-heart…I think about throwing it away every summer, but it’s still here…do you have a use for it?”  
“I do…do you think you could overnight it? I’ll wire you the money.”  
“That’s fine dear, I’ll box it right up and send it…your grandfather would have loved to see one of his grandchildren wear it…he loved playing Santa Claus…will you send me a picture?”  
“Sure, Grandma…I’ll get someone to take pictures for you.”

After she filled him in on the family plans, he hung up and put his head down on the table.

Hell, if his grandfather could see this grandchild wearing his Santa Claus suit for this purpose…Colby shook his head. His grandfather would be rolling over in his grave by Christmas morning.


	63. Their Newtonmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Larry reads an invitation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: Their Newtonmas  
Pairing/Characters: Larry, Megan  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 189  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Larry reads an invitation  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

Larry was now officially living with Megan. He wasn’t certain how it had happened exactly, but after she caught him, she refused to let him go.

She had added her key to his key chain, she had given him the security codes and she had sat with him and addressed for him actual physical invitations to their Newtonmas celebration.

Yes, their Newtonmas celebration.

The their made his heart double beat.

The invitations were filled out in such a way as to leave no doubt. They had been sent even. The one he held in his hand was an extra, discarded after the others went to the post office.

Dr. Lary Fleinheart and Megan Reeves cordially invite you to join them for a celebration of Newtonmas.

He reread the discarded invitation again and then took out a pen. He looked over his shoulder to make certain his Nebula was not present and crossed out their names.

He rewrote the sentence.

Dr. and Mrs. Larry Fleinheart cordially invite you to join them for a celebration of Newtonmas.

Yes, he now knew what the next gift for his Nebula appreciation would be.


	64. Wrapping Presents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian attempts to not further antagonize the prickly patriarch of the Eppes family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives – yes, this is very late – here we go, starting Hanukkah…at the end of Hanukkah…argh…

Title: Wrapping Presents  
Pairing/Characters:  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 351  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Ian attempts to not further antagonize the prickly patriarch of the Eppes family  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives – yes, this is very late – here we go, starting Hanukkah…at the end of Hanukkah…argh…

Charlie watched in fascination as Ian intentionally wrapped his presents for the first night of Eppes Hanukkah celebrations as badly as possible.

He was raising terrible wrapping to an art form.

Isaac was also finding it amusing, as Merlin had enlisted his help.

Charlie could not fathom why in the world Ian had opted to do this. The edges were ragged, the corners showed through, there was a gift for his father wrapped in two types of Hanukkah paper, a gift for Cooper wrapped in paper that had been reversed…it made absolutely no sense at all.

Especially since there was a small pile of presents for him and Isaac that were wrapped with the same sort of attention to detail and careful consideration Ian applied to most tasks.

Charlie shook his head. “Ian…if you don’t mind me asking…beyond how amused Isaac is about all this, is there a reason you are intentionally wrapping presents this badly?”

Ian looked up at Charlie. “Your father does not like me.”

“And this is some sort of passive-aggressive, present wrapping response to that?”

“He does not believe FBI agents can wrap presents.”

“Don and Cooper can not wrap presents that does not mean that all agents of the FBI can not wrap presents, its spurious logic.”

“I do not want him to think I am trying to show up Don.”

“Ian, you said already that you are going to be in the car during the festivities…this is ridiculous…I know Don hasn’t had a chance to talk to him and for some reason won’t let me talk to him without him…but, Ian…this is crazy…it’s my house.”

“It may be your house Charlie, but he is your father, he lives there and my presence is not entirely welcome. I’ll stay outside, watch the perimeter and the three of us will have a separate Hanukkah right before Isaac goes to bed.”

“I’ll talk to him tonight…”

“Charlie, don’t worry about it.”

Charlie remained silent, watching and paying close attention to how Isaac also watched Ian, quietly, as though he too were calculating what to do about this situation.


	65. The First Night Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isaac’s perceptions have changed…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: The First Night Part 1  
Pairing/Characters: Ian, Alan, Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 158  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Isaac’s perceptions have changed…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

Isaac was as good as gold.

He ate his lunch, he took his nap, he played quietly with his toys, he talked math with his daddy and he watched Merlin.

He sat in his car seat and asked questions about all the pretty lights, until they turned into the driveway of the house where Grandpa Alan lived.

Then Isaac was very quiet.

Charlie kissed Ian, asked him again if he wouldn’t reconsider and leave the car. Ian shook his head, his eyes already scanning the street for possible threats.

Charlie sighed, collected the bags of presents and Isaac and walked to the door.

Alan opened the door wide and greeted them warmly.

He took the bags from Charlie and hugged him as Charlie set Isaac down.

Alan held his arms out for Isaac.

Isaac backed away and hid behind his daddy’s legs.

Alan’s face darkened and he stood up. “Charlie? What has that man been telling my grandson?”


	66. The First Night, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isaac’s perceptions have changed…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: The First Night, Part 2  
Pairing/Characters: Charlie, Alan, Don, Cooper  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 138  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Isaac’s perceptions have changed…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

Charlie stared at Isaac a moment and then crouched down. Isaac wrapped his arms around Charlie’s neck.

Don and Cooper stepped into the hall from the living room.

Isaac wiped his tears on his daddy’s hair. “No.”

“You don’t want to give your grandpa Alan a hug?” Charlie held Isaac close.

“No, he wants to make Merlin go way. He doesn’t like Merlin. He wants to make Merlin go way forever.”

“Isaac…”

“NO! No Merlin go way like Meva and Malexis! No make daddy go way.”

Charlie sat down on the floor and held Isaac.

“No, Isaac…no, no, no. Your grandpa Alan would never do anything to hurt me or Ian or anyone else for that matter. He wouldn’t do that.”

Alan looked at the weeping child in bewilderment.

Don grabbed him and dragged him into the kitchen.


	67. The First Night, Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don explains the change in perceptions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: The First Night, Part 3  
Pairing/Characters: Alan, Don, Cooper  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 276  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Don explains the change in perceptions  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

“What did I say? What did I do? Donnie? What’s going on?”

“Eva and Alexis were killed by Alexis’ father. He killed Alexis by accident, he killed Eva on purpose, she survived the car crash and he beat her to death outside her car. He did not like the fact that his daughter was a lesbian and he especially did not like Eva. Dad…”

“Charlie told Isaac this?”

“No, Dad, Charlie did not tell Isaac this. Isaac was hiding under his mother’s desk when Alexis’ father threatened Alexis that he would kill Eva. He was there when Alexis put a note in his teddy bear to give to me if something happened. He’s not a stupid little kid. He’s as smart as Charlie was at his age and a hell of a lot better at reading people. He knows you don’t like Ian, hell, he probably knows you don’t like Cooper…”

“He thinks I’m like that man? That man who killed his own daughter…because I don’t want a man who kills people for a living near by son? He’s upset with me because I don’t like someone who kills people for a living? He thinks I’m the dangerous one? He thinks I could hurt his father?”

“Dad…I think you need to calm down.”

“Calm down? Donnie, I do not need to calm down. I need to explain to my grandson that I would never hurt his father and I would never hurt him, I would never hurt anyone. It’s that man who hurts people, not me.”

Cooper cleared his throat from the doorway. “You may have to wait on that one. Charlie and Isaac just left.”


	68. The First Night, Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian, Charlie and Isaac celebrate the first night in make-shift fashion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: The First Night, Part 4  
Pairing/Characters: Ian, Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 598  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Ian, Charlie and Isaac celebrate the first night in make-shift fashion  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

Charlie left the bags. Cooper scooped up Charlie, Ian and Isaac’s presents from him and Don and brought them out to the car.

He walked around to the driver’s side to talk to the sniper before Ian could move.

“Just take them home. It’s not good in there, it’s going to get worse.”

“Cooper, what happened?”

“Isaac refused to hug Alan…Don’s talking to him, we’ll call and tell you what’s going on, just take them home and take care of them. Okay?”

“Yeah, no problem.”

Ian drove back to the apartment in silence. Charlie sat in the back with Isaac, trying to explain that there was a difference between Alan not liking Ian and Alexis’ father making Eva and Alexis go away.

Ian listened to Charlie’s voice rather than his words. Charlie was upset, desperate to make Isaac feel better, to defend his father, to not let Isaac know that he was angry with Alan and to say the right words. Some moments his words mixed with math babble, breaking off in the middle of sentences to try and find a connection that would make sense.

Ian parked the car and scooped Isaac out of the back. Charlie followed with the packages from Don and Cooper.

Ian convinced Isaac to walk him through the lighting of the Menorah and the prayer. Charlie hunted through the cabinet for a box of latke mix he had asked Ian to pick up as a back up for anything Isaac refused to eat.

Isaac brightened a little with the appearance of the latkes. He brightened more when Ian produced presents.

Don and Cooper had provided Ian with a t-shirt from askaninja.com stating I look forward to killing you soon and a collection of water pistols. Ian shook his head and smirked.

Charlie opened his gift from Cooper and blushed a deep shade of scarlet, refused to let Ian see it and informed Isaac it was a book. He had disappeared into the bedroom to hide it, before Ian could swipe it from him. Don had given him another book, one on the lives of the great mathematicians.

Don and Cooper had given him a building set, wooden blocks that would let him build castles with domed tops and spires.

His daddy had given him a silver framed photograph from the first Hanukkah his daddy had ever spent with his Meva and Malexis, before he was born.

Isaac sat in Ian’s lap to open his present from Merlin. With the wrapping removed, the present itself was as much a mystery. Isaac looked at the contents of the box. There was a block of chocolate. This he knew because it smelled like chocolate, there were pieces of gold foil and three plastic things with sections.

He looked up at Merlin.

Some assembly was required here.

Ian laughed. “Do you know what this is, Isaac?”

Isaac shook his head.

“These are chocolate molds for making gelt.”

Isaac looked at the molds, flipping them upside down and then holding a piece of foil against one of the cavities, he could see the designs better. He grinned.

Merlin hugged him. “Shall we make some tonight?”

Isaac nodded, scrambled and taking Merlin’s hand he gave Merlin the box. Then, he reached over and grabbed his daddy’s hand and attempted to pull both adults to their feet.

Ian and Charlie stood. Charlie scooped Isaac up and Ian laughed, kissing both of them on the cheek.

On the table the candles slowly burned out, as Ian told Isaac the story of the first time he made chocolates with his grandfather.


	69. Christmas Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cooper writes his Christmas Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Sure, someone can write a Christmas letter...those blasted annoying things full of nonsense and generic stuff - but let's make it interesting...let's let Cooper write one.

Title: Christmas Letter  
Pairing/Characters: Cooper  
Rating/Category: R  
Word Count: 241  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Cooper writes his Christmas Letter  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

Dear Scumbags, Assholes, Whores, Sluts, Suspected and Convicted Felons, Delinquents and other assorted members of my family,

Ah, Christmas time.

Yeah, Fuck you too.

Sent Uncle Lou upstate. He didn’t recognize me, so I doubt any of the rest of your would either.

I’ve settled down, which is good news for some of you, because now you won’t have to be running from me.

Aunt Fran is up for parole, don’t worry, cousins, if I have anything to do with it, she will continue to be a guest of the federal government and you will have a peaceful New Year.

I’ve settled down. Pretty much married even. I won’t tell you his name, you don’t need to know. Hell, I changed my name years ago and you don’t need to know it either.

I’m happy. I’m fucking ecstatic.

He has the sweetest ass you ever saw and lets me lick eggnog off his chest and nutmeg off his beautiful, circumcised cock. Damn, why am I wasting my time writing to you ass-wipes? I guess I should wrap this up quick so I can go unwrap him.

So, take you fucked up, miserable, no good, asinine, often criminal, never going to amount to anything, bull shit and shove it up your ass.

Well, Santa Claus isn’t the only one who knows if you’ve been bad or good, so I’ll probably see some of you sooner or later.

Merry Christmas

Billy the Fed


	70. My True Love Gave to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Megan gets another present…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: My True Love Gave to Me  
Pairing/Characters: Megan, Larry  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 199  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Megan gets another present…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

 

After she had caught him, Megan made Larry promise to stay with her. This did two things.

One – she had someone to come home to every night, sometimes even with dinner on the table and

Two – her Nebula appreciation gifts appeared at different times and in different locations.

Like today, today Larry had appeared at the office and whisked her away to lunch. This was a good thing, because Don had been a bear the entire day, apparently the first night of Hanukkah had not gone well in the Eppes household.

They had a wonderful lunch and she returned to find her Nebula Appreciation Month gift sitting tucked back under her computer screen.

She gleefully snapped the white ribbon and tore the white paper.

A jeweler’s box.

A white one.

A diamond, set in gold.

White gold.

A ring.

She scrambled for the paper, hunted for a card, anything.

She looked up, she stood up, she turned around several times looking to see if a certain astrophysicist was hiding anywhere.

He appeared to be in a different section of the cosmos.

She sat back down and stared at her computer.

A post-it note.

A white one.

One word.

Please?


	71. The Second Night of Hanukkah, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title says it all really…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: The Second Night of Hanukkah, Part 1  
Pairing/Characters: Don, Charlie, Cooper, Ian  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 216  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Title says it all really…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

Isaac refused to get in the car.

Despite Charlie’s “he doesn’t hate Merlin, he just doesn’t know Merlin very well and he confuses Merlin with Agen Egg Town and sometimes Agen Egg Town makes people a little nervous” and Ian’s “Isaac, it’s Hanukkah, you should spend it with your grandfather he loves you.”

Isaac absolutely refused.

He would not get in the car, he would not leave the apartment.

He ended up with a time out in his room because he kicked his daddy in the knee when his daddy attempted to just pick him up and carry him out the door.

Agen Egg Town had been very mad about that.

But the time out was worth it, because Uncle Don and Uncle Coop came over for Hanukkah and he didn’t have to go to see Granpa Alan.

Isaac didn’t want to not like Granpa Alan, but if Granpa Alan didn’t like Merlin, then he probably didn’t like Uncle Coop and if he didn’t like Merlin and Uncle Coop, he might not like his daddy and his Uncle Don all that much either and if he didn’t like daddy and Uncle Don, then he probably wouldn’t like his Meva and his Malexis.

That meant one important thing to Isaac.

His grandpa Alan didn’t really like him.


	72. The Second Night of Hanukkah, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title says it all really…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: The Second Night of Hanukkah, Part 2  
Pairing/Characters: Don, Charlie, Cooper, Ian  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 359  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Title says it all really…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

Once Isaac was put to bed, Charlie sat on the floor next to Ian’s feet, leaning his head against Ian’s knees. Don and Cooper sat on the couch.

Don cleared his throat. “It’s your house, Chuck.”

Charlie nodded. “Yeah, maybe I should sell it.”

“Charlie?” Ian ran a hand through Charlie’s hair. “Why would you sell it?”

“My son thinks his grandfather hates you, me, Don and Cooper…he probably thinks dad would have hated Eva and Alexis…I can’t just tell him to move out, I fought too hard with him to make him stay…”

Don shook his head. “Dad would have loved Eva at least, since she was the mother of your child…hell, Dad was a fucking hippie, he should be all sorts of okay with all this…, peace, love and nonsense…maybe someone should see if he still has a hippie pipe, mellow him out with something from the evidence locker.”

Cooper snerked and held Don close. “Somehow, I don’t think that would work all that well.”

Ian cleared his throat. “The two of you need to talk to him. He’s your father and he does love you and he loves Isaac. Besides, all his reasons for hating me are valid.”

Charlie stood up, quickly. “We are not going through this again, Ian. So help me, I don’t care that Don and Cooper are in this room, I will resume what I did the last time until you stop this line of thinking.”

Don and Cooper exchanged a look as the Sniper God of the FBI actually blushed.

“Charlie, I…”

“Ian, I love you, yes I love my father, but if he can’t see that I love you and that Isaac loves you and you are good for Isaac and good for me and we love you and you’re good for us…”

Don cleared his throat. “You’re starting to get lost in your own sentence there, Chuck…”

Charlie held up a hand in Don’s direction. “Shut up, I’m speaking English.”

Ian kissed him. “Charlie, talk to your father. I love you too, but I’m not going to be responsible for ruining the relationship you have with your father.”


	73. Santa Claus is Coming to Town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A package arrives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: Santa Claus is Coming to Town  
Pairing/Characters: David  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 208  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: A package arrives  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

He opened the package.

It was from Idaho, it was marked overnight mail.

It was marked fragile. It was insured. It was certified.

It was signature required, please do not loose this package, it’s important.

It was a Santa Claus suit.

A really nice, good quality, probably handmade Santa Claus suit.

And a photo album.

And a letter.

The album contained hundreds of pictures of a man who looked a lot like Colby wearing this suit, getting older and more Santa Claus-esque in every set of pictures.

The letter was from Colby’s grandmother.

Dearheat,

Hope this makes it in time. Your grandfather would be so happy that you are going to use his suit to play Santa Claus. Make sure someone takes pictures!

Send me copies, but put some in the album.

Gran

David shook his head. He made a few calls and then a few more.

He found a place.

He visited the domestic violence shelter and verified when he and Colby would be there and how many kids were expected for Christmas.

He went to the toy store and picked up presents.

He went to the drugstore and picked up candy and stockings.

He wrote a letter to Santa Claus and thanked him for Colby Granger.


	74. The Third Night of Hanukkah, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alan goes to talk to Don…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: The Third Night of Hanukkah, Part 1  
Pairing/Characters: Alan, Don.  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 164  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Alan goes to talk to Don…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

Alan went to the office. He brought a peace offering from the deli. He would talk to Don and to Charlie.

He had spoken to his therapist.

She had helped.

Don waved him off.

“Not now, Dad.”

“Donnie, you didn’t come over last night…neither did Charlie…”

“Dad, the only person who is not entirely angry or upset with you right now is Ian, I don’t know what I want to say to you and Charlie…” Don gestured at the conference room “has his hands full right now trying to explain to Isaac that you are not going to hurt him or me or anyone else for that matter.”

“Ian? Ian is not angry or upset with me?”

“Yeah, dad, Ian was the only one last night that believed Charlie and I should talk to you…he said he didn’t want to come between you and Charlie. Charlie is happy, dad.”

Alan left the sandwiches and nodded. “I’ll work this out, Donnie, come over tomorrow night.”


	75. The Third Night of Hanukkah, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alan goes to talk to Ian…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: The Third Night of Hanukkah, Part 2  
Pairing/Characters: Alan, Ian.  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 185  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Alan goes to talk to Ian…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

Alan did not like the firing range.

He did not like guns.

He did not like the noise, did not like the smell, did not like what guns did.

He did not like the fact that Don carried one.

He did not like the fact that there were probably enough guns in the apartment where his youngest son and his only grandchild were living to arm a small militia.

He did not like the feel of the ear guards on his ears at this moment.

He did not like the look on the sniper’s face as he aimed at the target.

He did not like the look on the sniper’s face as he pulled the trigger.

He did not like the look the sniper was giving him right now, as the sniper was facing him, rifle in one hand, clip in the other.

Alan removed his ear guards.

Ian removed his own. “Mr. Eppes.”

“Agent Edgerton, I would like to have words with you.”

Ian nodded, returned his rifle to the armory and led the Eppes patriarch to a coffee shop near the federal building.


	76. The Third Night of Hanukkah, Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alan talks to Ian…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: The Third Night of Hanukkah, Part 3  
Pairing/Characters: Alan, Ian.  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 574  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Alan talks to Ian…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

Ian waited.

Alan waited.

Ian sighed. “I would never hurt Charlie or Isaac.”

“Do you love them? You kill people. Are you really capable of love?”

“Charlie seems to think I am and I have found it to be a good idea to agree with him. I love them dearly, Alan.”

“Why do you kill people?”

“For starters, I don’t just kill people. I am a sniper, Mr. Eppes and I don’t kill someone every time I am called out into the field. There are times that I am in the field and don’t fire a single shot. I do what I do because I am good at it. I am very good at it.”

“You are very good at baking cake, why not do that instead? It’s a nice, safe, not dangerous profession…”

“If Charlie asked me to, I would.”

Alan stared at him. “Just like that?”

“Just like that. But, he would never ask me to.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because as much as your son shares your lack of belief in guns, he finds it very difficult to quantify me without one and does not think he wants to try either.”

“He has said that?”

Ian nodded. “Yes…Mr. Eppes, I do not want to cause problems between you and your son, either one of them. I love Charlie. I adore Isaac. I have made very few emotional connections in my life and only one as strong as the one I have with Charlie. I don’t want to hurt him…but if you tell me to, I’ll back off and when he no longer needs to be in protective custody, I’ll leave.”

Alan watched the sniper’s face a long moment. “No.”

Ian looked into his eyes. “What?”

“I said no, damn it. You make Charlie happy. He loves you. I make you leave and he finds out, it would never be the same between us. But, there are some ground rules.”

Ian braced himself. “Yes?”

“Number one, I want you to get a gun cabinet with a lot of locks on it and I want you to make certain that my grandson can not open any of them. Number two, I want you to make certain my sons and grandson and this Cooper fellow are at the house for the rest of Hanukkah, starting tomorrow. Number three, as soon as I find an apartment, you move in with Charlie at the house, it’s his house after all and number four, you learn how to wrap gifts and then you teach Don and Cooper. It’s ridiculous, you’re grown men, Charlie, I understand, he gets distracted, he’s up in his head too much, he has, however, learned that he can have things wrapped where he buys them or by the company he orders them from…but the three of you have no real excuse.”

Ian nodded. “Tomorrow? Not tonight?”

“I don’t have gifts for you, I need a day to prepare. Do you have a favorite color? Besides black or that green that army people seem to like so much, the one that matches nothing?”

“Brown.”

“Ah, like dirt.”

“No, not like dirt, like Charlie’s eyes.”

“Okay, okay. You’ve proven it to me, you love my son, you’ll take care of him and my grandson, you don’t need to be sentimental about it...” He paid the waitress for the coffee. “see you tomorrow.”

Ian watched as Alan left and then returned to the office.


	77. The Third Night of Hanukkah, Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian goes to talk to Don and Charlie…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: The Third Night of Hanukkah, Part 4  
Pairing/Characters: Ian, Don, Charlie.  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 274  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Ian goes to talk to Don and Charlie…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

Ian walked into the bull pen and cornered Don. “I need to teach you and Cooper how to wrap a present.”

“What?” Don blinked at him.

“It’s one of your father’s rules.”

“What rules?” Don looked over at the conference room where Charlie was still talking to Isaac.

“The ground rules for my continued relationship with his youngest son, I’m starting with the difficult one.”

“What were the others?”

“Get a locking gun cabinet that Isaac can’t open, which is something I already have. Move into the house with Charlie as soon as your father finds an apartment, not difficult, as long as Charlie wants me there. Get you, Cooper, Charlie and Isaac to the house for the rest of Hanukkah, starting tomorrow, not exactly easy, but I think I can convince Isaac that your father is not going to kill me and learn to wrap presents and then teach you and Cooper. Since I actually know how to wrap a present and was simply trying to not give him another reason to be upset with me, I simply need to teach you and Cooper how to do so.”

“Wait…my dad talked to you?”

“He sought me out at the firing range and said we needed to talk. We went to the coffee shop across the street.”

“What would it take for you to just wrap everything Cooper and I picked up for Hanukkah and we call it a day?”

“More than you make in a year, Don. The rule was I had to teach you and Cooper how to wrap a package.”

Don shook his head. “Okay, go tell Charlie the good news.”


	78. The Third Night of Hanukkah, Part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian goes to talk to Charlie and Isaac…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: The Third Night of Hanukkah, Part 5  
Pairing/Characters: Charlie, Ian.  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 290  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Ian goes to talk to Charlie and Isaac…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

Ian walked into the conference room and scooped Isaac up.

“Isaac, I had a long talk with your grandfather.”

Isaac looked Merlin over to make certain he wasn’t hurt.

“No, he didn’t hurt me. Your grandfather would never hurt anyone. He’s very upset he upset you.”

Isaac burrowed his face in Merlin’s neck.

Ian stroked Isaac’s hair and watched Charlie. “But, he and I talked and we came to a little understanding. He knows I love you and your daddy very much and that I make your daddy happy. He wants your daddy to be happy, so he gave me some tasks to accomplish.”

Isaac looked up. “Tasks?”

Ian nodded. “Just like the knights of the roundtable, I need to prove to your grandfather that I’m worthy of the math-magician. Some of these tasks I have already completed and others I still need to do, but do you know what the most difficult task he gave me was?”

Isaac shook his head.

“I need to teach your Uncle Don and your Uncle Coop how to wrap a present. Do you think you can help me with that?”

Isaac nodded. “Mhmm.”

“And then I need to get your daddy and you and your Uncle Coop and your Uncle Don to your Grandpa Alan’s house for the fourth night of Hanukkah…do you think you can help me with that one too?”

Isaac pondered that one for a little bit. “And then Granpa Alan won’t hate us anymore?”

“Isaac, he never hated you, he never hated anyone…he just didn’t know how much you and your daddy really mean to me and he was scared that I might hurt you or your daddy.”

Isaac tightened his grip on Merlin. “Never hurt.”

“No, Isaac, never.”


	79. The Third Night of Hanukkah, Part 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To wrap a box…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: The Third Night of Hanukkah, Part 6  
Pairing/Characters: Cooper, Don, Ian, Charlie.  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 156  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: To wrap a box…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

Isaac was worried.

Isaac was very, very worried.

Merlin’s first task to prove he was worthy of the math magician was not going well.

Uncle Coop kept ripping the paper, usually in the middle part.

Uncle Don was having trouble folding corners…a lot of trouble.

Isaac sighed and scrambled into Uncle Don’s lap. “Like this, Uncle Don, like this.”

Charlie chuckled, because Isaac was not much better at folding corners than Don.

Cooper took pictures.

Ian chastised Cooper for pulling on the paper too hard and ripping it.

Cooper demanded to know if it would break the rules if he resorted to tissue paper and gift bags.

Don asked about the printed gift boxes and just taping them closed.

Isaac took Uncle Don’s hands and held them. He looked up at his Uncle Don with big eyes. “Uncle Don, please?”

Don sighed, ran a hand through Isaac’s hair. “Yeah, yeah…Ian, pass me another roll of paper.”


	80. The Fourth Night of Hanukkah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, yes…everyone goes to the house and calamity ensues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: The Fourth Night of Hanukkah  
Pairing/Characters: Ian, Don, Cooper, Alan, Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 518  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Well, yes…everyone goes to the house and calamity ensues  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

Cooper believed he could have made a killing if he had had the foresight to sell tickets to the fourth night of Hanukkah at the Eppes house.

Isaac had greeted his grandfather with more happiness and warmth, making the elder Eppes much happier than the first night of Hanukkah.

Charlie seemed to be okay, but Don believed that his brother was running the ragged edge of Numbersville city limits. He had said as much after hugging Charlie at the door and Charlie had mumbled something about re-quantifying their father.

Ian was painfully polite to everyone, but edgy.

But, the evening really started when Alan accidentally lit Don’s shirt on fire, really, really well.

There had been a problem with the matches and Alan had used one of those kitchen torches instead, except between holding down the button on one side and pressing the trigger on the other something did not seem to be working right and he had turned it towards Don to see if Don could figure out what was wrong with it and well…Cooper had never really liked that shirt anyway.

Ian had tackled Don to the ground and smothered the fire with Charlie’s good suit jacket, which turned out to be good for smothering the fire, but not flame resistant itself.

Charlie found the fire extinguisher in the kitchen and tripping over the rug, shot the first round of fire extinguishing foam at the ceiling, the second at the menorah and the third at his father.

Then, in the process of putting out the suit jacket, he liberally covered the sniper, making the sniper foam covered and edgy, but still painfully polite.

Alan had graciously provided the sniper with a towel.

Don had taken a shower and borrowed a shirt from his father, before proclaiming that next year the menorah would be electric.

Charlie had started to protest when the smoke alarm in the kitchen signaled the fiery demise of dinner.

So, instead the genius used the remains of what was in the fire extinguisher to put out the fire in the oven and took everyone out to a nice seafood dinner.

They opened presents in a park where a large electric menorah was lit for the season, drinking hot chocolate from a street vendor.

Cooper watched Don bicker with his brother and then turned his attention to Alan.

Alan was smiling, a cocoa-mustached Isaac in his lap, the sniper sitting on the bench beside him.

Cooper strained to hear as Ian spoke.

“Mr. Eppes, thank you for the gifts…it was hardly necessary…”

“I could say the same to you, you made very generous donations to some of my preferred charity organizations in the city…that was very thoughtful of you...and I received gifts from my sons that were better wrapped than they have been since their mother used to do it for them.”

“Mr. Eppes…”

“Alan, just call me Alan.” Alan replied as he stroked Isaac’s hair. “You know Isaac, I bet your Meva and your Grandma Margaret are having a very good laugh about all this.”

Isaac giggled and sipped his cocoa before nodding.


	81. One Word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Megan catches up with Larry and answers his question…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: One Word  
Pairing/Characters: Megan, Larry  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 67  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Megan catches up with Larry and answers his question…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

She found him in his car.

He was parked in her driveway, but he was still in his car.

It was possible he had been there all day.

She stuck a post-it note on the windshield.

He stared at the post-it note.

One word written on the back so as to face him

The only word that mattered

Yes

He opened the driver’s door.

She kissed him.


	82. Gift Certificates.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alan goes out to get Hanukkah gifts for the Sniper God.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: Gift Certificates.  
Pairing/Characters: Alan  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 287  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Alan goes out to get Hanukkah gifts for the Sniper God.  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

Alan was running out of options.

Snipers were apparently very difficult to shop for and this of course increased tenfold when you were trying to be nice to them.

Alan was convinced that if snipers had conventions they probably gave each other grenades and rocket launchers and other dangerous things.

Like poisonous fish or those frogs that killed people in the rain forest.

They probably swapped tips for the best ways to remove blood from clothing and furniture.

No, that would not be necessary, snipers liked to keep their distance.

They probably had conventions and everyone attended via satellite from remote locations, super encrypted to prevent detection.

When they determined where the others were they likely Fedexed each other water balloons full of noxious chemicals.

But, he needed a gift.

He could go to the music store…maybe there was a cd…songs for shooting people…or something.

Maybe not…bookstores, bookstores were good – nice, calming books…yoga for killers…this was not working.

So, gift certificates.

Snipers had to eat.

Nice restaurants, with good food, friendly service and menus that included things Isaac would eat.

Maybe a massage, the man was too tense…but then he would probably pick one that needed to be raided for some prostitution ring and then Charlie and Don would both think he had given Ian the gift certificate to get him into trouble.

Dry cleaners, dry cleaners even had gift certificates these days and car wash coupons, federal agents liked to keep their cars nice and shiny.

Yes, there were plenty of normal, every day mundane things that would not get him into trouble with his sons and let the sniper know he was a welcome member of the family… when he was not shooting at people.


	83. The Fifth Night, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Larry and Charlie patch things up and Larry share the good news, etc…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: The Fifth Night, Part 1  
Pairing/Characters: Megan, Larry, Charlie, Don, Cooper, Alan, Ian  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 304  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Larry and Charlie patch things up and Larry share the good news, etc…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

 

Larry and Megan joined them for the fifth night of Hanukkah and Charlie and Larry settled their dispute.

Charlie apologized for yelling at Larry.

Larry apologized for not being conscious of Charlie’s emotional state and failing to capture the full extent of the meaning of this feat.

Larry then informed Charles that he and Megan were getting married.

Charlie hugged Larry, both congratulating his friend and welcoming the distraction, as Alan repeatedly asked what it was that Charlie had done.

Now, Alan was congratulating Megan and Larry and Charlie could slip quietly into the garage and hide.

Isaac scrambled after his daddy.

Ian quickly extended his congratulations to Megan and Dr. Fleinheart and then followed the mathematician and his offspring to the garage.

Yes, the mathematician had gone to ground.

Ian weighed his options.

He could flush him out or he could enter the den.

Charlie should return to the house, participate in the congratulations and celebrations that would soon ensue. However, Charlie was also still not entirely comfortable with his success in solving P vs. NP.

Lemon meringue pie therapy or no.

Ian was slowly approaching the garage, wanting to give Charlie enough time to get comfortable or have a math freak-out, whichever he needed when Cooper appeared at his elbow.

“I’ll bring Isaac back in, give you some time to sort Charlie out…Don and Larry told Alan about the P vs. NP thing.”

Ian groaned. “Why?”

“Because he asked, they did tell him Charlie’s not okay with the fact that he did it and they are trying to explain why…”

Ian nodded. “Okay, okay – yes, take Isaac…I’ll talk to Charlie.”

Cooper quirked an eyebrow. “I doubt talking is exactly what he needs.”

“Does your mind ever leave the gutter?”

“Should it?” Cooper stepped into the garage.

Ian muttered a curse and followed.


	84. The Fifth Night, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian decides that Cooper may have had the right idea…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: The Fifth Night, Part 2  
Pairing/Characters: Charlie/Ian, Cooper (briefly)  
Rating/Category: R…uh…Dance pron (yes, pron…this is not my usual run the ragged edge…there is actual…stuff) – fill in your own blanks… (yes, there are blanks…I do not have Lady E’s mind melting talent for pron…nor her nerve)  
Word Count: 290  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Ian decides that Cooper may have had the right idea…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

Isaac, after some convincing and the promise of latkes and applesauce, returned to the house with Cooper.

Cooper promised Ian that no one would come near the garage.

Ian locked the side door and disengaged the garage door opener.

Charlie had decided to engage in a minor math freak-out.

A vicious cloud of chalk dust surrounding him, like shadows of a vengeful angel’s wings.

Numbers, equations, algorithms covered the board in front of him, like runic incantations, the alchemy of his soul.

Ian judged the angle of the chalk board, the potential load bearing weight of the hooks that kept them in place and then turned Charlie to face him and picked him up.

Chalk clattered across the floor.

Dust settled.

Hands gripped the top of the chalk board.

Numbers, equations, algorithms, smudged

Ian kept his hands on Charlie’s thighs, opening the zipper and button with his teeth.

Charlie’s head fell back, numbers falling from his lips.

Ian opened Charlie’s boxers with his teeth and tongue.

The numbers continued soft, supplications.

Ian drained the numbers from Charlie’s mind and body, swallowing as if to quench a soul-deep thirst.

Charlie shuddered, limp in his grasp, hands releasing the top of the board, coming to rest in Ian’s hair.

Ian licked his lips, lowering Charlie to stand on the tops of his boots as he refastened the mathematician’s clothes.

Charlie stared deep into his eyes, as though searching for the numbers there and then smiled, kissing him deeply, reclaiming the ones he wanted with a sweep of his tongue.

Ian sighed as the kiss ended. “We need to go back in, Charlie.”

Charlie nodded, leaning his head against the hollow of Ian’s shoulder as the sniper brushed chalk residue off Charlie’s back.


	85. The Fifth Night, Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, well, ahem, Ian and Charlie return from the garage…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives

Title: The Fifth Night, Part 3  
Pairing/Characters: Megan, Larry, Charlie, Don, Cooper, Alan, Ian  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 375  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Yes, well, ahem, Ian and Charlie return from the garage…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives

Charlie blinked a few times as they walked into the dinner conversation.

Megan was smiling at Larry. “We were thinking we’d give everyone post-it notes.”

Larry nodded. “White ones.”

Charlie and Ian sat down in empty chairs on either side of Isaac. Charlie cleared his throat. “I’m sure there’s a reason why and knowing Larry, it is probably deep and meaningful and if I’m causing a repeat of a story, I apologize…but, post it notes?”

Megan smiled. “It’s how he proposed.”

Don choked and turned to Larry. “You proposed on a post-it note?”

“Yes, well… I didn’t know exactly what to say…”

Cooper turned to Megan. “What was on this post-it note?”

“It said please.” She smiled at Larry.

Larry looked helplessly at Don. “In my defense, Don…Megan chose to reply in the same fashion…”

Charlie cleaned applesauce off Isaac’s nose. “Post it notes are great for communicating ideas and something that academia and the FBI share a great fondness for, it’s common ground, Don…and in this case, a great idea that needed few words, are you going to have the post-it notes custom printed or just write up the story and enclose it with blank ones?”

Don turned from Larry to look at Charlie and then at Ian, who was silently laughing, but also blushing, ever so faintly. As Charlie, Alan, Larry and Megan became engrossed in a discussion of the pros and cons of custom printed post-it notes, Don turned to Ian.

“Is there something I should know about?”

“Charlie is simply referring to a series of post-it notes left on the door to the range, when I happened to scare everyone off…after we were informed that Penfield would be committed rather than tried.”

“Post it notes?”

“Yes, proof that the FBI has way too much time on is hands.”

“And the blushing?” Don asked, leaning forward.

“Questioning me about a supposed blush, Don, opens quite the Pandora’s Box, as I am certain you do not want me to ask you about anything Cooper has done that might raise the same to your face.”

Don looked down as a thousand things Cooper had done and promised to do before the night was over flashed through his mind. “Yeah, right, no blush.”

Ian nodded.


	86. Sixth Night of Hanukkah or the Naming of Cats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Holiday Ficathon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conference Wives.

Title: Sixth Night of Hanukkah or the Naming of Cats  
Pairing/Characters: Don, Cooper, Ian, Charlie , Alan  
Rating/Category: PG  
Word Count: 252  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: More Holiday Ficathon  
Note: Conference Wives.

The sixth night of Hanukkah was rather sedate. Alan announced that he had found an apartment and that he would be moving in right after the New Year. He joked that this was not an excuse for them not to visit him and that between the four of them someone should be able to remember the address. He went so far as to tease Ian that he did not know what he was getting into, Charlie owned the house, but he was terrible at remembering to pay bills and abysmal at fixing things.

Once he was settled, he expected them all for dinner once a week, no exceptions, no rain checks.

Charlie attempted to improve the mood by telling the story of Eva and Alexis’ cat, Mr. Fluffman, who had passed away shortly before Isaac was born.

It had been Eva’s intention to name the cat J after J. Edgar Hoover. Alexis was determined that the cat would not be called J, claiming that to name the cat after Hoover was an insult to his dignity. She had compared Hoover to a celebrity gossip columnist focused on nothing more than idle rumors and senseless fluff.

Charlie laughed at this point. “So, she put her hands on her hips and said if you are going to call him J, you might as well just name him Mr. Fluffman…and it stuck.”

But even the amusement of this moment could not break the somber mood, as Charlie quickly slipped into quiet remembrance of Hanukkahs past.


	87. Seventh Night of Hanukkah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Holiday Ficathon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conference Wives.

Title: Seventh Night of Hanukkah  
Pairing/Characters: Don, Cooper, Ian, Charlie , Alan  
Rating/Category: PG  
Word Count:107  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: More Holiday Ficathon  
Note: Conference Wives.

The next night, Ian and Charlie announced that they would leave for the airport after dinner on the eighth night of Hanukkah to spend Christmas with his family in Virginia.

Don asked if this would interfere with the math conference Charlie usually attended around the end of Hanukkah.

Charlie shook his head. “The East Coast Math Conference? I never went…I knew that if I said math conference, your eyes and dad’s would just glaze over and you wouldn’t ask questions – I was visiting Eva and Alexis and Isaac.”

Don placed a hand on Charlie’s shoulder. “Sorry Charlie.”

Charlie smiled weakly. “I’m okay, it’s okay…it will be okay.”


	88. Eighth Night of Hanukkah or the Traumatic Elf Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Holiday Ficathon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conference Wives.

Title: Eighth Night of Hanukkah or the Traumatic Elf Story  
Pairing/Characters: Don, Cooper, Ian, Charlie , Alan  
Rating/Category: PG  
Word Count:581  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: More Holiday Ficathon  
Note: Conference Wives.

Charlie told the story a third time and Cooper felt his sides would burst. It was the eighth night of Hanukkah; gifts for Charlie, Ian and Isaac were handed out the night before, as they would be catching a plane a few hours after dinner, so Charlie was telling stories about previous Hanukkahs with Isaac, Eva and Alexis.

Cooper shook his head. “So, Isaac is completely freaked out about Santa Claus.”

Charlie nodded. “Dashed Alexis’ hopes for a multi-holiday household. She and Eva had discussed the possibility and last year, with Isaac being old enough to understand what was going on and the differences and everything, Alexis was all set, right after Hanukkah, she was going to put up a tree and everything. But then, Isaac came home from his playgroup where he heard stories of Santa Claus with the conclusion that Santa Claus was not something he would tolerate. He informed Eva and Alexis at dinner one night that Santa Claus was trouble and that he didn’t have clearance, so they needed to be careful so that he didn’t come into their house. I was in terrible trouble with Alexis when I came for Hanukkah a few days later, she was convinced I had told him that.” Charlie shook his head. “I was in trouble until they got a call from his playgroup and Alexis and Eva were told that they didn’t think that Isaac should be at playgroup the next day because they were having a Santa Claus come in and he had been greatly upset when they had read The Night Before Christmas.”

Don laughed. “And that’s what got you off the hook?”

Charlie nodded. “That and sharing with Alexis my traumatic elf story.”

Ian quirked an eyebrow “Traumatic elf story?”

Don started snickering. “If you don’t tell it, Charlie, I will.”

Charlie sighed. “When I was in High School, I was a member of the National Honor Society and for Christmas they went around and collected toys and brought them to an inner-city elementary school and passed them out to the students with the highest grades. Well…I was the shortest member, so I had to wear the elf costume, complete with pointy ears, tights, floppy hat and curly toed shoes. First, I was stuffed into my locker at the high school and almost missed the van to the school where we were going to pass out the toys and then, I was stuffed into someone else’s locker when we got there…by fourth graders.”

Don shook his head, laughing. “Mom and Dad called the school and yelled at just about everyone they could yell at…the next year, Charlie stayed home that day so no one would be tempted to try it again.”

Charlie looked indignant. “No one ever made you wear a silly costume and you got to stay home with me.”

Don shrugged. “Someone had to look after you.”

Ian ran a hand through Charlie’s hair. “I will inform my mother, that no matter how cute she thinks it would be, you absolutely will never be asked to dress as an elf to help hand out packages and no one will decide this is the year to have someone dress as Santa Claus either.”

Charlie smiled. “Thank you.”

Alan watched from the door to the kitchen for a moment before calling them to eat. His sons were smiling, laughing and happy. He just needed to learn how to be happy for them, it couldn’t be that hard.


	89. Food for Thought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Megan plans for Newtonmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives – return of the holiday ficathon.

Title: Food for Thought  
Pairing/Characters: Megan  
Rating/Category: PG  
Word Count: 317  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Megan plans for Newtonmas  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, its not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives – return of the holiday ficathon.

As Newtonmas approached, Larry’s gifts of appreciation became practically extravagant. Practical, as Megan did have uses for them, extravagant, as they were all top of the line.

His most recent gift was a portable telescope with its own backpack. Megan looked forward to bringing it to the park for Newtonmas. She had read all the instructions and had tested it out to make certain she knew how all the knobs worked. Using a guide to the night sky she had picked up at the library, she and Larry had spent a pleasant night picking out the major constellations and discussing the mythology associated with their names.

But now, Megan was preparing for the entertaining side of Newtonmas. She had purchased, at Larry’s instruction the appropriate brand of dryer sheets that would put the greatest charge of static electricity into the sheets he planned to use for the static electricity ballet. How he had figured out which brand would do that, she really didn’t think she wanted to know, but the practice run through of the ballet had been fascinating.

She focused her weekend on planning the Newtonmas menu. She wanted to serve some sort of snacks during the ballet and although at the beginning she had thought popcorn would be fine, after seeing the initial dry-run, she thought it deserved something more elegant.

She perused her menu notes.

She had decided on white chocolate dipped apple wedges. Newtonmas seemed to definitely call form something apple related on the menu.

But from there she was at a loss.

Perhaps she could serve star and planet shaped finger sandwiches of turkey on white bread and maybe a flavored cream cheese for a vegetarian option.

She knew that Larry’s colleagues did not all adhere to his white food diet, but increasingly the items stocked in their fridge and cabinets fit that particular preference.

Besides, it made for an interesting challenge.


	90. Winter White

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Megan goes shopping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conference Wives – Holiday Ficathon

Title: Winter White  
Pairing/Characters: Megan  
Rating/Category: PG  
Word Count: 223  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Megan goes shopping  
Note: Conference Wives – Holiday Ficathon  
Note: Dedicated to starfevre.

One thing Megan loved above all else when it came to being in love with Dr. Larry Fleinhart was how he inadvertently solved problems before they arose.

The morning she had suddenly realized she had no idea what she was going to wear for their Newtonmas celebration, Larry gave her a scarf embroidered with a map of the stars.

Now she quickly perused the racks of slacks and sweaters for a winter white outfit that would highlight the scarf and provide just enough accentuation to her finer attributes to make Larry blush and all his friends jealous.

She smiled, humming the theme from Holtz’s Jupiter as the store’s speakers continued to loop Santa Claus is coming to town.

It was nice to celebrate a holiday that commercialization had not caught up to, she had ordered her gifts for Larry on-line, they had decorated her living room in garlands of greenery with white ribbons and constellation ornaments she had found at a science website.

The sheets were hung for the static electricity ballet.

Larry experimented with shampoo until he determined which brand would decrease the likelihood of her hair standing on end during the ballet; this suggestion was promptly added to the invitations, right after the RSVP information.

She smiled when the harried clerk at the cash register remarked at how relaxed she seemed.


	91. Secrets are Part of the Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Holiday Ficathon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conference Wives.

Title: Secrets are Part of the Fun  
Pairing/Characters: Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG  
Word Count:214  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: More Holiday Ficathon  
Note: Conference Wives.

For Charlie the difficulty came with how he was going to transport Ian’s Christmas present to Virginia. If he filled out the appropriate forms at the airport, Ian would know and this was supposed to be a really big surprise.

He had e-mailed Dr Webster early in his search for appropriate Sniper Appreciation Month gifts and ideas. Dr. Webster had not responded until he had acquired almost everything, but what he had offered, surpassed anything Charlie could have hoped for.

Dueling pistols.

Dueling pistols engraved with Ian’s family crest.

According to Dr. Webster’s research they had been stolen from the Edgerton family in the late 1800s.

He had found them at an estate sale and picked them up, planning to pass them back to Ian as a thank you the next time their paths crossed.

Charlie had sent him a check and Dr. Webster had sent the pistols in their original case, with his notes and research on their creation, use and misuse.

Now Charlie just needed to get them to Virginia, without Ian knowing.

This required duplicity.

This required obfuscation.

This required clearance.

Charlie contacted the State Department and called in a favor.

Ian’s Christmas present would be delivered via diplomatic pouch to his family home in Virginia at 7:30 am Christmas morning.


	92. I’ll be Home for Christmas and in Therapy by New Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Holiday Ficathon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conference Wives.

Title: I’ll be Home for Christmas and in Therapy by New Years  
Pairing/Characters: Ian, Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG  
Word Count:320  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: More Holiday Ficathon  
Note: Conference Wives.

If Ian had not been convinced that Charlie would have had a heart attack that he had even suggested it, Ian would have seen to it that Isaac was given some sort of sleeping pill.

He didn’t run around, he didn’t make a lot of noise, hell, he didn’t make any noise louder than a whisper and that was only when he was talking to Charlie or to Ian.

Charlie told him a dozen stories, read to him from books and Isaac, did not seem at all like he was going to take even a little nap.

He had been asleep when Charlie carried him through security. He slept at the gate.

The second they had buckled into their seats on the plane, he was wide awake.

He was well behaved, just not asleep.

This meant Charlie did not sleep and neither did Ian.

Everyone else on the plane, with the exception of a few very helpful and awestruck stewardesses, who were beyond amazed at how well behaved Isaac was and even took him up to meet the pilots, slept.

Ian smiled at Charlie.

Charlie smiled back, ruefully. “The book says he sleeps on planes, he slept on the plane before…I don’t know if this is just a one time thing or not.”

“It’s fine, Charlie, he can sleep in the car on the way to the house and for a little while once we get there, everyone always stays up late on Christmas eve, to wear the little ones out so no one gets the idea that as soon as midnight strikes it’s Christmas and they should be allowed to wake the house and open presents.”

Charlie smiled. “Okay.” He told Isaac another story and Ian listened contentedly from his seat on the other side of Isaac, trying not to think about home and family and seeing everyone again. It would be okay. Charlie would be there with him.

Charlie would provide him with cover.


	93. Dogs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Holiday Ficathon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conference Wives.

Title: Dogs  
Pairing/Characters: Conference Wives OCs  
Rating/Category: PG  
Word Count:334  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: More Holiday Ficathon  
Note: Conference Wives.

It was 6am on Christmas Eve. Very few people were awake, some adults putting finishing touches on gifts and packages, some of the staff, working on breakfast and deciding which recipe books to use for the Christmas baking, as cookies would need to be made and Ian would once again not appear for Christmas.

Two old hounds, both graying on the muzzle lounged by the fire. Heavy leather collars displayed their names, boldly burnt into the brown.

Smith was older by a year, but Wesson was no puppy.

They were loyal hounds.

Loyal to son first, but their last ten seasons had been with the father and they served him well, though slower than in their youth.

In ten seasons neither hound had made a sound inside the house.

It was that and their age that had given them the preferred spot by the hearth while the rest of the pack stayed outside in the kennels.

But their old ears weren’t deaf.

Their noses still picked up the scent of game.

And cordite.

They knew that smell a mile off, fresh or old.

This Christmas eve they roused the house like a pair of pups, fresh on the scent.

They raced each other into the foyer.

There they stopped, silent for a moment.

They sniffed at a small spot on the rug and then circled.

Staff filled the hall, trying to determine how to quiet the hounds before all the family was forced out of bed and down the stairs.

Martha, the housekeeper scolded them, but as they caught the scent again they bayed and took the stairs.

Ian finished tucking Charlie and Isaac into his bed in his room and stepped into the hall.

Smith and Wesson stopped at his feet, sniffing his boots and then, sitting obediently at his side.

He reached down and stroked their heads before crouching down between them and scratching their ears, Smith first and then Wesson.

Their tongues lolled out and they grinned.

Their master was home.


	94. Christmas Eve Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Holiday Ficathon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conference Wives.

Title: Christmas Eve Morning  
Pairing/Characters: Ian, Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG  
Word Count:137  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: More Holiday Ficathon  
Note: Conference Wives.

Emily raced up the stairs, determined to silence those dogs or put them out.

But her reprimands fell silent in her throat as she reached the landing.

For ten years she had expected that when Ian returned he would ring the bell or if he chose not to, he would announce his presence from the foyer.

She had not expected that he would slip quietly into the house and only be detected by his dogs, who, despite their age, she knew would be able to find Ian in a snowstorm.

But there he was, crouched on the floor, scratching their ears and telling them they were good dogs, even if they spoiled his surprise.

The dogs had awoken the house, but it was the shocked voice of the Edgerton matriarch that brought them from their beds.

“Ian!”


	95. Christmas Eve Morning Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Holiday Ficathon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conference Wives.

Title: Christmas Eve Morning Part II  
Pairing/Characters: Ian, Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG  
Word Count:570  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: More Holiday Ficathon  
Note: Conference Wives.

Shannon reached him first of his siblings and she hugged him, tight around the neck, up on tiptoe to reach. Then, she smacked him on the back of the head.

“You missed my wedding.” She accused.

Ian shook his head grimly. “No, Shannon, I…I was there.”

“You weren’t. You were not there, Ian. Your present arrived, but you were not there.”

“I was.”

“Prove it.” She crossed her arms.

He removed his wallet from his pocket and pulled out a folded picture. He unfolded it slowly and handed it to her.

She looked at the picture.

A close up of her, facing her husband, saying her vows, from an angle appropriate for sniping.

She looked at him questioningly.

He shrugged. “I scared the organist half to death, but I was there…I just couldn’t stay.”

“Like you couldn’t stay at Christmas?”

He nodded.

“Will you be gone when I wake up this time, big brother?”

He shook his head. “No, I think I would be in very big trouble if I decided to leave before Christmas morning this time.”

“You better believe it.” Her face set.

He chuckled. “As much as I know I would face retribution of the worst kind from you, dear sister…it’s not actually you I’d worry about.”

Emily smiled from behind her youngest daughter. “Charles is here then?”

Ian nodded. “And Isaac.”

“Wonderful. Shannon, leave your brother in peace, Charles and Isaac’s stockings are in the cabinet, please go hang them by the fireplace.”

“Mother…Charles and Isaac…”

“Yes, they are Jewish, I know, but we can’t have them without a stocking to open on Christmas morning…”

“Did Charlie call you?”

“No dear…I will have to go out and get some things to fill them…but I saw stockings that I thought would be perfect…and I hoped Charles could convince you to come…someday.”

Ian sighed. “Yes mother, he did.”

“Good, I need his sizes and Isaac’s, as well as favorite colors and so forth, they will have gifts under the tree and anything I need to make the cook aware of? She will of course make certain everything is kosher for them, but…”

“Mother, Charlie and Isaac are not strictly kosher, we will observe the Shabbat up in my rooms, Isaac has a definite fondness for maple syrup, Charlie is quite fond of lemon and can not have coffee. Sit him between myself and Aunt Caroline, I’ve also stopped drinking coffee. Also, inform father that Charlie does not drink heavily and will likely take it as something amiss if he and Uncle Eugene repeatedly attempt to ply him with drinks. Do not over whelm them, mother, I did celebrate Hanukkah with them and we will be here until after the New Year, so there is plenty of time for you to make them feel welcome. But, mother…we took the redeye last night, would you mind terribly if I caught a little sleep before providing answers to the rest of the interrogation?”

“Of course, dear, just bring me Charles and Isaac’s clothes, I’ll take the sizes from those and Martha can have them laundered, I doubt they will wish to wear whatever they wore on the plane for the party tonight.”

Ian sighed and then complied with her wishes before tucking into bed with Isaac and Charlie, kissing the forehead of one mop-topped head and then the other.

Both father and son smiled in their sleep, but did not wake.


	96. Christmas Eve Morning Part III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Holiday Ficathon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conference Wives.

Title: Christmas Eve Morning Part III  
Pairing/Characters: Ian, Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG  
Word Count:354  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: More Holiday Ficathon  
Note: Conference Wives.

 

The first question on everyone’s lips as they followed Emily to the front parlor as to not disturb Ian was:

“Who’s Charles?”

The second was:

“Who’s Isaac?”

Emily gestured for them to sit and explained. “Charles is Ian’s lover and Isaac is Charles’ son.”

Richard spoke up first to get the next question in. “Mother, you said nothing about this when you returned…”

“Richard, dear, I simply didn’t want to raise anyone’s hopes that Charles might be able to convince Ian to come home, even though I had hoped he would…”

“So, are they living together?” Shannon asked, quickly.

“Yes, they are…Ian couldn’t be reached after Thanksgiving because he had moved to a larger apartment, so that he could give Isaac his own room.”

Richard shook his head. “How old is Isaac? I can’t imagine Ian with a young child…”

“Isaac is recently four and he adores your brother, Richard, how can you say you can’t imagine him with a young child, Ian has always been very good with children…”

“Mother, he was good with children ten years ago and only in small doses…”

“Richard, be nice. Shannon, did you find the stockings?”

“Yes, mother…I did, but…they’re blue…all the others are red…”

“They are blue because they are not exactly Christmas stockings, but I want them to feel welcome.”

Richard blinked. “You picked up blue stockings for Charles and Isaac because they are Jewish and blue is one of the traditional Hanukkah colors?’

“Exactly, dear, now, all of you, get dressed, get breakfast, I will need some help getting presents for Charles and Isaac, filling their stockings and…” She stopped as Ian entered the room, looking slightly tossled, as though he had woken from sleep with something on his mind. “Ian?”

“One thing, mother…before the entire stocking debacle…Isaac has a problem with Santa Claus…not enough clearance…all the breaking and entering…”

The Edgerton clan looked at the prodigal son a moment before Emily spoke.

“Then we will not use any Santa Claus paper or tags for his presents.”

Ian nodded and then returned to bed.

The Edgerton clan entered into a minor whirlwind of preparations.


	97. EggNog is for Lovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Holiday Ficathon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conference Wives.

Title: EggNog is for Lovers  
Pairing/Characters: Don/Cooper, Charlie  
Rating/Category: NC-17  
Word Count: 682  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: More Holiday Ficathon  
Note: Conference Wives.

The phone was ringing. They really didn’t have the luxury of not answering it and they both knew it.

Despite the eggnog dripping down his chest, despite Cooper’s tongue quickly following it, despite the thimble full of southern comfort Cooper had poured into his navel, Don had to answer the phone.

This didn’t mean Cooper had to stop, it just meant Don had to be very very self contained.

“Eppes.” Don was certain his voice just jumped an octave.

“Don? Are…are you okay?”

“Yeah, Charlie…I’m….fine.” Don mentally cursed. “How’s Virginia?”

“Great, great…what are you doing?”

“Umm.”

“Don?”

“I…nothing, Charlie…just…”

“Okay, different question.”

“What?”

“What is Cooper doing to you?”

“Charlie…I’m not going to tell you what Cooper is doing…” Don ended the sentence with a gasp.

“Is it fun?”

Don felt himself blush as he tried not to cry out, Cooper was sprinkling nutmeg and that stuff burned slightly, but not so much to be painful or uncomfortable, just enough to make Cooper’s tongue feel…Don’s eyes rolled into the back of his head. “Yes, yes…it’s fun, Charlie…do not ask me these sorts of questions, Charlie, it’s weird.”

“Hmmm, okay, give the phone to Cooper.”

“What?”

“Just give the phone to Cooper and I’ll leave you alone.”

Don managed to choke out a “Charlie wants to talk to you” as he tossed the phone in Cooper’s general direction.

“Yeah, kid?”

“What are you doing to Don?”

“Well, right now I just stopped licking nutmeg off his cock to talk to you, so, I guess you could say nothing.”

“Right…what were you doing before? Don said it was fun.”

“Well, before I was licking eggnog off his chest and drinking SoCo from his navel, but your brother and I are kinky like that.”

Don stared at the ceiling, blushing.

“And how exactly do you do this?”

“Charlie, are you actually asking me for advice?”

Cooper could almost hear the mathematician scuffing his tennis shoes against the floor.

“Well, you gave me that book and well, I…I read it, but…”

“Okay, Charlie, okay, five easy steps here. First you take a little eggnog, pour it over his chest, not a lot, because it’s a liquid and it moves, plus it’s cold, so he’ll likely move and you don’t want to get it on everything. Second, you lick the eggnog off his chest, before it gets on to anything besides him, make sure you get all of it and none escaped down the sides. You can repeat those steps as much as you like or until you’re out of eggnog. Then, third, you pour a little SoCo into his navel…ever take a body shot, Charlie?”

“Um…once…”

“Then that’s simple enough, that’s step three. Step four is to sprinkle a little nutmeg on his cock, not a lot, we found out that it burns a little, but that’s good, it makes step five even better.”

“Step five”

Cooper heard the distinct sound of pencil on paper. “Charlie, are you taking notes?”

Don sat up, starting to laugh.

“Um, yes?”

Cooper shook his head. “Okay, step five is lick the nutmeg off, that’s all there is to it. Hold on, your brother wants the phone back.”

“Okay.”

Don took the phone and leaned, lazily against Cooper. “Charlie, are you okay?”

“Yeah…I just don’t know about this stuff, Don…”

“I know, buddy…we’ll talk, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks Don.”

“Yeah, you’re welcome, Charlie. See you when you get back.”

“Okay, see you.”

Charlie hung up and Don groaned slightly, though it failed to prevent a chuckle.

Cooper laughed. “What?”

“I can’t believe you did that.”

“Did what? It’s your own fault, Eppes, I told you I would need to come up with ways to get rid of all that eggnog…”

“No, I can’t believe you gave my brother step by step instructions…”

“I’m sure he and Ian will have fun.”

“I don’t need that image in my head.”

“Don…I told Charlie for your benefit.”

“My benefit?”

“The sniper has fun, he’ll want to thank us and he will probably do so with cake.”

Don blushed a shade darker than the canoe.


	98. The Real Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Holiday Ficathon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conference Wives.

Title: The Real Thing  
Pairing/Characters: Colby  
Rating/Category: PG  
Word Count:311  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: More Holiday Ficathon  
Note: Conference Wives.

David left a note for Colby on top of the Santa Claus suit.

Colby read it twice before putting on the suit, making certain the padding was in place and using the spirit gum his grandmother had included in the package to make certain the beard would not come off if pulled.

David had found a domestic violence shelter for them to hand out presents.

His grandfather might only roll over in his grave once or twice tonight.

Colby polished the boots and tied the assorted pouches to his belt.

One contained glitter.

His grandfather always opened that one and let children peek inside if they asked how he got into houses. This was the magic powder made of wishes that let him enter houses.

The next contained sugar cubes, he had gone to the trouble of getting the natural sugar cubes, the ones that were not exactly square and pale brown.

Treats for the reindeer.

The third, all the names David had acquired first names only, so he could reach into the bag and call each child by name to receive his or her present.

Not what his grandfather used to keep in there, this pouch used to contain money, the amount on the bill changed over time, but always a roll of bills to pass out discretely to less fortunate parents who brought their children to see him.

David had already gone to the shelter, counted heads and made certain they had something for everyone, stockings and gifts, as well as verifying names and making arrangements for a donated dinner for everyone there from a local restaurant.

Colby looked at himself in the mirror before shouldering the dark green pack tied with thick gold cord.

Not too bad.

Next year he’d find another suit for David to chase him around in.

This one was just for the real deal.


	99. Disproving the Fetish Hypothesis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Holiday Ficathon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conference Wives.

I really should be working on my research methods assignment for next week - but I felt bad that I didn't get a post up on Sunday - so here you go.

Title: Disproving the Fetish Hypothesis  
Pairing/Characters: Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 189  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: More Holiday Ficathon  
Note: Conference Wives.

 

In the considerable amount of data Dr. Charles Eppes had accumulated on Ian Edgerton, he had never found support for any hypothesis that Ian Edgerton might have a foot fetish.

Gun fetish?

Oh yes, big time.

Feet?

No. No evidence to support that hypothesis.

Thus, Dr. Charles Eppes found himself waking in a state of confusion to the definite sensation of a tongue caressing the arch of his bare foot.

He did not think he liked this development.

He moved, tucking his foot back under the blanket when a second anomaly presented itself.

In all of his data collection, Dr. Charles Eppes had never found support for any hypothesis that Ian Edgerton might possess a very cold, very wet…nose?

Nor had Ian Edgerton ever applied one to his navel.

It was with a rather undignified shriek and thud that Dr. Charles Eppes came to the conclusion that he had not had the opportunity at any previous point to quantify the fact that two determined and well trained hunting dogs can flush a doctor of applied mathematics from a king size bed in time to get a shower before lunch.


	100. Death by Nog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie is the unwilling recipient of a little too much holiday cheer...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conference Wives Holiday Ficathon… can we say avoiding work and RL issues? Yes we can. Is there a slight jump between the last fic and this one? Yes - I'll fill in the gap between the dogs flushing Charlie out of the bed and this fic at some point, but this is where the bunny was...

Title: Death by Nog  
Pairing/Characters: Ian, Charlie  
Rating/Category: R  
Word Count: 334  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Charlie is the unwilling recipient of a little too much holiday cheer...  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, its not mine.  
Note: Conference Wives Holiday Ficathon… can we say avoiding work and RL issues? Yes we can. Is there a slight jump between the last fic and this one? Yes - I'll fill in the gap between the dogs flushing Charlie out of the bed and this fic at some point, but this is where the bunny was...

Charlie was well and truly aware of one thing.

Ian’s Uncle Eugene was trying to kill him.

And Charlie was in a position where he was going to have to be polite and let him.

Yes, not letting Uncle Eugene kill him would be a social faux pas and Charlie had successfully avoided his usual level of social ineptitude all night.

Maybe Isaac was tired.

He could put Isaac to bed and then hide under it until Uncle Eugene forgot he was here.

Or maybe he could talk to Ian’s Aunt Caroline about tea…the woman was obsessed…that should last at least three hours maybe more.

And with the rate at which a body metabolizes alcohol there was a slight possibility that Charlie would survive.

He was certain he had it figured out.

The secret Edgerton family recipe for eggnog: the entire contents of the liquor cabinet, some eggs and some nog…whatever the hell that was.

And someone else, whose name he couldn’t remember just kissed him…again…hell, he was standing under the hanging plant…why couldn’t Ian be here next to him under the hanging plant?

Wait…he was.

“Charlie?”

Charlie motioned for Ian to come closer.

“Your Uncle Eugene is trying to kill me.” He whispered.

“How much eggnog have you had Charlie?” Ian took the cup from him and set it on a table.

“I don’t really know, every time I took a drink of it your Uncle added something to it from a little metal bottle…and he’s very sneaky…”

“Charlie can you walk in a straight line?”

“Yes…”

“Let’s get Isaac upstairs and put to bed…and then perhaps I can help you metabolize some of the eggnog.”

“Okay…Cooper and Don made eggnog sound like such a good idea…”

“Why does that worry me?” Ian raised an eyebrow.

“It shouldn’t…their way sounds a lot safer…for one they don't use cups...”

Ian chuckled and scooped up Isaac and escorted the tipsy mathematician up the stairs.

He would have words with his uncle in the morning.


	101. The Problem with eggnog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian is forced to apologize…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conference Wives - actually fits into the holiday ficathon from last year -sort've after death by nog and before easier said than done

Title: The Problem with eggnog  
Characters: Charlie/Ian, Don/Cooper  
Words: 379  
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it’s not mine  
Summary: Ian is forced to apologize…  
Note: Conference Wives - actually fits into the holiday ficathon from last year -sort've after death by nog and before easier said than done  
Note 2 – Sorry this took so long to post – I can’t even begin to explain all the mess – just imagine – pipes break, garbage disposal breaks, dissertation topic rejected, 93% of 8 years of research thrown out the window (figuratively), job interviews, utter panic, family holiday nonsense and somewhere a partridge in a pear tree is about to shit on my car. Ah, the joy.

The sound of the phone ringing woke Don from a pleasant dream, a replay of the enjoyments of a few hours ago, minus the headache that was slowly forming right above his eyes.

“Eppes.”

“Don, you should get a lawyer.”

“What? Charlie! What happened?”

“Don…I don’t know who found out…but it’s on the radio…”

“What’s on the radio, Charlie? What are you talking about?”

Cooper rolled over and pulled Don close, ready for anything, preferably less eggnog and more sex.

Don was listening to Charlie’s answer when a muffled rustling came from Charlie’s end of the conversation, followed by a meep, a sigh and a groan.

“Charlie? Charlie are you okay?”

After an odd and very liquid sound, Ian picked up the phone. “Sorry Don…my uncle plied him with far too much to drink and there were Christmas carols on the radio.”

“What? Ian, you’re making less sense than Charlie!”

“It is rather simple, Don – Charlie listened to the carols on the radio after we, ah, let's not discuss what we did and was rather amused due to his inebriated state, but then he was seized by a certain level of panic due to what he thought he heard.”

“Ian…I am a little hung over and unlike Charlie, who loves you, I am not going to panic, I am just going to reach through this phone and strangle the life out of you if you do not clearly state in simple language what the fuck is going on.”

“Charlie misheard a line in a Christmas song and thought that your relationship with Agent Cooper had become public knowledge and your career was in danger.”

“What? What Christmas song is that?”

“Deck the halls.”

“How would he possibly come to that conclusion from deck the halls?”

“Well, the part where it says don we know our gay apparel…he thought said Don is now in gay apparel.”

Don groaned. “Oh, Chuck…okay…Ian, just sit on him until he calms down and show him the lyrics, okay?”

“Of course, Don…enjoy the rest of your evening.”

Cooper rolled Don down into the mattress as he hung up the phone. “Crisis averted?”

“Yeah.”

“Good, cause I can think of much better things to do than threaten the sniper and talk on the phone."


	102. Easier Said Than Done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie needs to surprise Ian… somehow…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn it - here I am in Scotland and I can't think of much other than sending fic home to all of you... Continues the holiday ficathon...

Title: Easier Said Than Done  
Pairing/Characters: Ian/Charlie  
Rating/Category: G  
Word Count: 623  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Charlie needs to surprise Ian… somehow…  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, it’s not mine.  
Note: Damn it - here I am in Scotland and I can't think of much other than sending fic home to all of you... Continues the holiday ficathon...

Getting out of bed without waking two hunting dogs and a snoozing sniper is an impossible task.

But Charlie had to try.

His head didn't hurt as much as he thought it should, so he thought he might be able to reason himself out of the bed.

He slipped beneath the blankets and encountered the first setback to his master plan of escape: a very well made bed.

So much for slipping out of the bed at the end. He couldn't get the sheets tugged out from under the mattress.

Right: Plan B - slip out of the bed on the side with the dogs.

Charlie managed to slip between the dogs and was convinced he was going to make it when he found himself nudged and nuzzled back into the sniper's possessive embrace.

So much for plan B.

Right: Plan C.

Plan C, as far as Charlie had reasoned, had a snowball’s chance of success, but it was his only remaining option for getting out of the bed before the messenger arrived with Ian’s Christmas present.

Charlie weighed his options.

It was not going to be possible to go under the snoozing sniper, or around him; thus, he was left with the option of going over the sniper.

Right… not too difficult...

Save the fact that the man was a human mine field, capable of going from sleep to lethal in 2.3 seconds… on average.

Charlie had calculated at least two times when the response was faster and once when the response was slower, but none of this was getting him out of the bed without alerting the sniper.

Right.

Charlie snuggled closer into the hollow of Ian's shoulder until the sniper was forced to roll slightly, allowing Charlie more space.

So far, so good.

Charlie slowly maneuvered his legs over the sniper to the opposite side of the bed and realized setback number two.

From this position and this angle, his feet did not reach the floor.

He was contemplating his next move when the sniper rolled over, depositing the mathematician on the floor.

Charlie held his breath, waiting to make certain the sniper did not wake.

He rolled under the bed. The theme from Mission Impossible was rolling around in his head… well, maybe it was the theme from the Smurfs, but at the moment his heart was beating so loudly he couldn’t exactly be sure… He shook his head to clear it; he'd try and figure that out later. Charlie grabbed his jeans and a sweater and pulled both under the bed. Pulling the sweater over his head, he managed to bash his forehead against the slats.

The sniper moved.

Charlie froze.

When the sniper quieted back down, Charlie weighed whether or not the sniper was now awake and poised to pounce at the next detected movement or if he had possibly just moved in his sleep.

He was wasting time.

Against his better judgment, and possibly self-preservation instinct, he hurriedly finished dressing under the bed.

He moved slowly out from under the bed and, staying low to the ground, made his way towards the door. Smith and Wesson watched this bizarre parody of an old war movie from their position on the bed and, pondering whether or not they should join the caper, they looked for confirmation from the smirking sniper.

Charlie looked back at the bed as he reached for the door handle. Ian feigned sleep and chuckled to himself as he heard Charlie sigh in relief, and the door open slowly and then close with a soft click.

Whatever Charlie was up to, he wasn't going to spoil it by letting Charlie know he had been awake for the entire caper… it was Christmas, after all.


	103. What do you think that’s like?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Challenge from Lady E to use the phrase wild crazy passionate monkey sex and shooting range in the same sentence…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conference Wives

Title: What do you think that’s like?  
Pairing/Characters: David/Colby  
Rating: R  
Word Count: 268  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Challenge from Lady E to use the phrase wild crazy passionate monkey sex and shooting range in the same sentence…  
Note: Conference Wives

 

“So, Charlie and Ian…” Colby began and then stopped looking at David’s face.

“What about them?” David glowered in Colby’s general direction. He hated this.

“They’re together…what do you think that’s like?”

“You are sleeping on the couch.” David scrunched up on the bed and nudged Colby out from under the covers with his feet.

“What? Why?” Colby stood there looking hurt.

“You have some sick fantasy running through your head and I’m not playing this game, you sleep on the couch.” He pointed at the door.

“Oh come on! I was just saying…he’s a sniper, the whizkid doesn’t like guns…”

“So you’re not asking me to speculate about their sex life.” David uncurled slightly.

“No, I’m not asking you to speculate about their sex life.” Colby took this to mean he was no longer in trouble and slipped back into the bed.

“So, nowhere in that twisted head of yours are you envisioning the two of them having wild, crazy, passionate monkey sex on a shooting range.”

“Okay…now you’re sleeping on the couch.”

“What? Why am I sleeping on the couch, the couch is yours, you are the one who screws up and sleeps on the couch.” He puffed up with righteous indignation.

“You are envisioning wild passionate monkey sex on a shooting range involving our boss’ little brother…I was just asking an innocent question about how two seemingly opposites manage to stay together….who says wild passionate monkey sex anyway? What the hell is that?”

“Get your ass over here and I’ll show you.”

Colby readily complied. David shook his head, white boy was so easy sometimes.


	104. State Department Santa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie gets Ian’s present from the delivery guy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conference Wives – Holiday Ficathon (yeah, I know…it’s July)

Title: State Department Santa  
Pairing/Characters: Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG  
Word Count: 369  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Charlie gets Ian’s present from the delivery guy  
Note: Conference Wives – Holiday Ficathon (yeah, I know…it’s July)

Charlie scrambled to the front door and realized he had a problem.

There was a combination of locks and bolts on this door that he had not yet encountered…enough to make the sniper upstairs feel safe, certainly, but also enough for a certain mathematician to lock himself out of the Edgerton house and have to ring the doorbell and be let back in.

Making this morning’s scramble through the gauntlet that is a snuggling, sleeping sniper far more ludicrous than the actual event.

He heard a car door shut and hoped it would be the runner from the State Department with the diplomatic pouch.

He turned the various bolts and then the knob, just as the young man was reaching for the bell.

“Are you from the State Department?” Charlie asked the Santa Claus hat wearing young man holding the diplomatic pouch.

“Yes, are you Dr. Eppes?”

Charlie nodded. “Thank you.”

“It’s cool. I’ve never gotten to play Santa Claus before.”

Charlie smiled. “You’ve got the timing down, perfectly.” He passed the young man a few folded bills with a Merry Christmas and turned around in time to be knocked over by Smith and Wesson.

Charlie shook his head and nudging the dogs out of the way, he opened the pouch and checked the contents. The box inside was wrapped in paper decorated with snowflakes and a tag from Charlie to Ian.

A note from Dr. Webster wished Charlie a happy late Hanukkah and invited Charlie to drop in for tea and see the full extent of his collection.

Charlie smiled and slipped into the family room to place Ian’s Christmas present under the tree, meeting Ian’s brother and elder sister putting the finishing touches on assembled toys for their children.

He smiled meekly and held up the box. “Um, Ian’s present…is there a place for it?”

Elizabeth smiled. “Ian’s gifts are to the left of that arm chair over by the globe.”

Charlie smiled. “Thanks.”

Ian listened quietly at the door to the family room, trying to guess what Charlie could have arranged to have delivered on Christmas morning, then quickly and quietly ordered Smith and Wesson to the kitchen for breakfast, before Charlie could catch him eavesdropping.


	105. Holiday Indulgence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie calls Don from Virginia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> –Conference Wives – return of the holiday ficathon.

Title: Holiday Indulgence  
Pairing/Characters: Don/Cooper, Charlie  
Rating/Category: R  
Word Count: 170  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Charlie calls Don from Virginia  
Disclaimer – if you recognize it, its not mine.  
Note: –Conference Wives – return of the holiday ficathon.

Waiting for the festivities to begin, Charlie called Don to check in.

Don picked up the phone after half a dozen rings.

“Mmmm, hullo?”

“Don…it’s Charlie…are you okay?”

“Mmmm, yeah. I’m fine.”

“Are you drunk?”

“No…just a little over indulgence.”

“What were you drinking at…” Charlie did a mental calculation “Six in the morning?”

“The same thing I was drinking at six last night.”

“I thought Cooper was the one drinking the egg nog.”

“Yeah…he was. I was drinking Irish Cream.”

“You’ve been driking Baileys for twelve hours?”

“Nope. Not Baileys.”

“What other Irish cream is there?”

“Charlie, there are a lot of varieties of irish cream, I just happened to be indulging in a very particular brand.”

“You like Irish cream?”

“Oh yeah, very much.”

“Oh…I didn’t know that…what brand…so I can pick up a bottle for the house.”

“Mmmm… doesn’t come in bottles.”

“What? Don…maybe you shouldn’t drink so much…what brand is it?”

“Cooper’s.”

“What? Cooper makes Irish… oh. Wait. No. Right. Okay, Don. Ummm…just…yeah. Have fun.”

“Mhmmm.”


	106. Peculiar Pancakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edgerton Family Christmas…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conference Wives – Holiday Ficathon

Title: Peculiar Pancakes  
Pairing/Characters: Isaac, Charlie  
Rating/Category: PG  
Word Count: 337  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Edgerton Family Christmas…  
Note: Conference Wives – Holiday Ficathon  
Note: Dedicated to starfevre.

The tradition for the children’s Christmas breakfast in the Edgerton household included pancakes decorated with strawberries and whipped cream until they resembled the familiar countenance of Santa Claus.

The cook, alerted to the fact that Dr. Eppes and his young son were Jewish pondered exactly what to do about the little boy’s pancakes.

Would it be insulting to serve pancakes decorated exactly like the other children’s? Would different pancakes raise too many questions at the children’s table and make the little boy unnecessarily uncomfortable?

She opted to make all the pancakes the same. Next year, if this was identified as a problem she could try her hand at making pancakes that looked like snowmen or something.

Isaac pondered the plate in front of him. It was pancakes, he was sure of it, but something was weird. The bottom half of his pancakes were covered with whipped cream, like an ice cream sundae and there was no maple syrup and the pancakes had eyes and a mouth made of dried fruit. If he looked at it right, it even looked like his pancakes were wearing a hat.

Isaac remembered one of his Malexis’ friends saying that she never ate anything with a face. At this moment, Isaac was inclined to agree with the kinda crazy lady.

With both hands he carefully took his plate to his daddy at the big table with Merlin.

Charlie looked down at Isaac’s confused expression and the peculiar concoction on his plate.

“Isaac, is something wrong?”

Isaac held up the plate. “I don’t think I’s supposed to eat food with a face.”

Charlie leaned over and kissed Isaac’s forehead and took the plate.

Charlie studied the Santa Claus face and then scraped the carefully arranged dried fruit to one side, liberally drizzled maple syrup on the pancakes and handed the plate back to Isaac. “There you go, no more face.”

Isaac grinned and still carefully holding his plate, scurried back to his seat where the other children were attacking their pancakes with gusto.


	107. Candlelight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas morning with the Edgerton family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to starfevre.

Title: Candlelight  
Pairing/Characters: Charlie, Isaac  
Rating/Category: G, but with a tissue warning if you are familiar with the Conference Wives Verse  
Word Count: 75  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Christmas morning with the Edgerton family  
Note: Dedicated to starfevre.  
Note: Conference Wives

 

Isaac watched Ian’s mother light the red, green, silver and gold candles on the mantle as the family assembled by the tree after breakfast to open presents.

They were very pretty.

He really liked the green ones, almost as bright as Meva’s eyes.

He looked up at his daddy for a moment, wondering if daddy thought so too and if so, then maybe they could use candles the color of Meva’s eyes for the Shabbat.


	108. Something New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas morning with the Edgerton family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to starfevre.

Title: Something New  
Pairing/Characters: Charlie/Ian, Isaac  
Rating/Category: G  
Word Count: 114  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Christmas morning with the Edgerton family  
Note: Dedicated to starfevre.  
Note: Conference Wives

 

Ian was happy that Charlie had the grace to be amused by his blue and silver stocking, but he was even happier with Isaac’s fascination with the concept.

Isaac sat with the other children, watching Ian’s nieces and nephews tear into the gifts stuffed into their stockings, examining his own, bright blue stocking, peering inside, reaching in, pulling something out, putting it back in.

Ian turned to Charlie, about to ask Charlie if Isaac might need some help, when a tiny hand patted his knee.

Charlie smiled as Ian lifted Isaac into his lap and helped him empty and sort the items in his stocking so he could unwrap them in order of density.


	109. Anticipation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas morning with the Edgerton family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to starfevre.

Title: Anticipation  
Pairing/Characters: Charlie/Ian, Isaac  
Rating/Category: G  
Word Count: 118  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Christmas morning with the Edgerton family  
Note: Dedicated to starfevre.  
Note: Conference Wives

 

Charlie was almost wriggling.

Ian looked at the box in his hands and then back up at Charlie. He hadn’t even torn a single corner of the wrapping yet and Charlie looked ready to burst with happiness.

Isaac was giggling and whispering in his father’s ear.

Ian slipped the wrappings off the box and stared at the inlay of his family crest.  
He looked up at Charlie for a moment and then flipped the latch revealing a pair of dueling pistols.

Charlie cleared his throat. “Dr. Webster found them for me…well, for you actually and since I talked to him before you did…and you needed a Christmas present…”

Ian pulled Charlie out of his chair and kissed him.


	110. Shorts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas morning, Don and Cooper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to starfevre.

Title: Shorts  
Pairing/Characters: Don/Cooper  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 56  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Christmas morning, Don and Cooper  
Note: Dedicated to starfevre.  
Note: Conference Wives

 

Cooper watched Eppes open the small gift bag and tried to hide his amusement behind his mug of eggnog.

Don lifted the thin silk boxer shorts out of the bag.

“Umm, thanks?”

“You know what that print is, right Eppes?”

Don studied the print a moment. “Some sort of berries?”

“Mhmm.” Cooper licked his lips. “Mistletoe.”


	111. Burning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas morning David and Colby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to starfevre.

Title: Burning  
Pairing/Characters: Colby/David  
Rating/Category: G  
Word Count: 101  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Christmas morning David and Colby  
Note: Dedicated to starfevre.  
Note: Conference Wives

 

David woke to something burning and an empty space in the bed where there should have been a nice warm white-boy from Idaho.

“Colby?”

“In the kitchen, don’t get out of bed!”

“Colby man, what’s burning?”

“Nothing!”

“I can smell it Colby.”

“Stay in bed it’s not on fire!”

“That’s reassuring man, but I think I should come help you.” He started to get out of bed.

“No!” Colby scrambled into the bedroom with a tray and pushed David back onto the bed. “Breakfast!”

“You made me breakfast in bed?”

Colby nodded. “Merry Christmas.”

“What’s burning?”

“We need a new toaster.”


	112. Noon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Year’s Eve Afternoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to starfevre.

Title: Noon  
Pairing/Characters: Don/Cooper, Charlie/Ian, Isaac  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 108  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: New Year’s Eve Afternoon  
Note: Dedicated to starfevre.  
Note: Conference Wives

 

Charlie, Ian and Isaac were home for New Year’s Eve. Cooper and Don joined them for a sparkling apple juice countdown at noon.

Isaac looked at the adults expectantly.

Charlie smiled at Isaac. “What is it Isaac?”

“Kisses!”

Charlie leaned over and gave Isaac a kiss on the cheek.

Isaac shook his head. “No daddy, you haveta kiss Merlin and Agen Don… no Uncle Don hasta kiss Butterscotch.”

Cooper shrugged. “Can’t argue with the kid. C’mere Eppes.”

Charlie blushed as Cooper pulled Don in for a kiss.

Ian scooped Charlie up onto his combat boots. “Happy New Year, Charlie.”

Isaac watched and grinned, drinking the nose-tickling apple juice.


	113. Cheers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Year’s Eve Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to starfevre.

Title: Cheers  
Pairing/Characters: Don/Cooper, Charlie/Ian  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 129  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: New Year’s Eve Night  
Note: Dedicated to starfevre.  
Note: Conference Wives

 

The midnight festivities were a different matter entirely. Isaac was tucked into bed and happily dreaming with 3.14159. Charlie was snuggled tight into the hollow of Ian’s shoulder and Cooper shamelessly stared at Don’s ass as he poured a tray of drinks.

Cooper took his glass. “What, no champagne?”

Don shook his head. “Ian and Charlie couldn’t agree on a brand.”

Cooper raised an eyebrow.

Ian shrugged. “Charlie’s argument was from a purely empirical standpoint – the ratio of bubbles to liquid, mine was based on vintage and personal taste, as Charlie did not have the time or opportunity to determine which of my preferences overlapped with his preferred ratio, we opted for mixed drinks.”

Charlie nodded.

Cooper shook his head. “Right – I need to learn not to ask. Cheers.”


	114. Painful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Year’s Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to starfevre.

Title: Painful  
Pairing/Characters: Don, David  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 83  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: New Year’s Day  
Note: Dedicated to starfevre.  
Note: Conference Wives

 

Don watched David for a long moment.

“Man, what is wrong with you?”

“Cheap champagne and way too much of it.”

“Take some aspirin or something – you can’t work like this.”

“I know, but if I have more aspirin, I’ll overdose. I’ve tried everything – I even drank some sort of Idaho home-brew cure that did nothing more than empty my stomach and convince me that there is no God.”

“Where is Colby?”

“Out in the field, running down leads, chipper as a bluebird.”


	115. Apology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Years Day brings an apology

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to starfevre.

Title: Apology  
Pairing/Characters: David/Colby  
Rating/Category: PG-13  
Word Count: 114  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: New Years Day brings an apology  
Note: Dedicated to starfevre.  
Note: Conference Wives

 

He put his hand in his pocket, fumbling for change.

His fingers brushed the soft, pliant foil, the flimsy tag.

He left it in his pocket, pulling out the change necessary for his coffee.

Out on the sidewalk, coffee in hand he removed the chocolate from his pocket.

“I’m sorry” was written on the tag in careful, small, black letters.

He sighed and pulled out his cell phone.

“Granger.”

“I still think you made me drink that so-called cure of yours just to see me suffer.”

“David…”

“But, I love you and you’re forgiven.”

David could hear the smile as it spread across Colby’s face.

“So…I’m off the couch?”

“Yeah, you’re off the couch.”


End file.
